It's About Time....

[J_trustno1]

I leave this hell hole!!!!

I'm sorry for so many posts on this site. But this will probably be my last post because I'm going to leave this house.

Last night my mum's asshole brother arrived back in Auckland in his house. Hearing about his arrival in this country was more than enough to have nightmares let alone him being in this city. Last night I had nightmares about him and my mother's sisters plus my grandfather physically beating me. I could not sleep the entire night therefore I was tired and sleepy the whole day.

Today I get to find out that when my mother and brother went to meet that bastard at his house yesterday night when he came with his Third official wife, he was insulting my mother and my brother about them not listening to our father for letting our father's relative live in our house. Mum's brother was insulting my mother and brother for being unthankful to our father for everything he's done for us and all the f*cking imaginative sacrifices he's done for us. Yeah right! That man (father) never supported us financially let alone emotionally or physically being there. We've been working from the age of 12 to support ourselves and our mother which she considers nothing!

I was very pissed off at how he treated my mother and my brother. When I told my mother why the hell did you listen to his crap? Couldn't you tell him to shut the f*ck up and if he has problems with them then they should never meet? Guess what??? My mother's done what she's good at doing to me! She told me to shut up and told me that I was making the argument go ahead like what her brother was doing last night! I am being compared to that bastard!

Then my mother yells at me like I was a kindergarten kid like always. I told her that I felt insulted by her behaviour and feel like a doormat for me. Guess what she said,??? "What have you done for the home? You don't cook or clean or do jack shit at home and what is your problem?"

I'm really hurt!! I pay for my expenses. I do the dishes and try helping whenever i'm mentally calm. I pay her for my living costs and I was going to pay her for the car. But I am not enough!

I've f*ckING had enough of this shit!!! AND I WANT TO ESCAPE THIS PRISON!!!! I'm crying my heart out while writing this out. I'm hurt.

I was never good enough for these people and never will be! MY VOICE NEVER mattered and was always made shut and it suffocates me to NOT have a voice!!! Whenever I tell my mother that I DO NOT want her husband or her brother or her sisters or the pedophile brother-in-law to attend my future events or my wedding because of how they ruined my life, she tells me to leave it to future and not think about it now but I know that this woman can go down to any level to be noticed by her siblings. NO MATTER WHAT the f*ck I do I mean nothing!!!


I need your suggestions how to go about living alone as it will be my first time and I don't want to live in this hell hole anymore!! I know that I will never be enough so what's the f*cking point of living by their bloody rules?

P.S. My father is the same man who tried forcing suicide on my mother several times, he held a knife against her throat when I was 10. He also strangled me when I was 10 !!!

Mum's bastard brother lived in our house because he was building his house in year 2013! All the time he lived in our house, he berated me, humiliated me. He said some of the ruthless shit to me and it still hurts till day. My mother kept him in our house because he had an argument with his parents and he didn't want to live in their house so my mother "trying" to be generous and obedient sister and daughter allowed this bastard to live in our house on sake of my mental health. She always knew how her brother bullied from ever since we arrived in NZ when I was 12 and how he forced child labor on me but she chose her brother over me to repay him for helping us get the NZ residence. huh!!

I am pretty sure that same shit is about to happen again and I'll be in the same situation I was in 2013 and I f*ckING NEED TO ESCAPE!!! I don't want to get back to where I was in 2013. That was the year when I was diagnosed with Ptsd, I was depressed the whole year and I visited the bridge every single day wanting to end my life!! I WANT TO LIVE IN PRESENT not to be their puppet for the rest of my life!!! ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

lots and lots of :hug:s

I know its hard to have a mother who chooses other people over you. My situation is a little different from yours, but yes, I did have a mother who would never defend me to anyone, let others verbally berate me, and never stood up for me. Much of the time she'd stay silent. And lemme tell you this, she's not the type to stay silent about things so it wasn't a matter of her having a quiet sort of nature or anything like that! My brother and sister were in the same boat (sort of) but my sister never really did anything wrong, so there wasn't anything my mom had to defend her for, and my brother's situation isn't as bad as mine so he didn't receive as much criticism as I did. But yes, it all around sucks having to accept that you got the short end of the deal in the mommy lottery. I've tried to confront my mom, and she does the deflection thing, too. She can't take responsibility.

I'm proud of you for making the decision to move out! Its great that you're employed now as you have financial resources for moving forward.

Are you going to look for an apartment for just yourself? I think that would be optimal if you have the ability to find a place of your own and not have to deal with roommates. I've found good roommates and not so good roommates over the years. But, even the good roommates can bring on stress because you still feel pressure to act a certain way around them....well, at least I did. It was hard to have "bad days"......erm, more like bad weeks or months because when I'm alone, I can let the housework go to pot and don't have to worry about much, but with a roommate, there's the constant stress of having to keep the apartment clean, etc. And then if you need alone time, that can be problematic too.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Solara. I'm worried about the budget and how it will all fit in. I don't want to flat with other people because it gets messy when people don't take responsibility for cleaning and you are the only one left to do everything. I don't like anyone in my personal space. I am thinking of doing it alone. I'm sick of human beings anyway. I'll probably keep a cat with me if I'm allowed to have pets in the apartment.

Another thing which is worrying me is my Job contract. I've already worked for 6 weeks and my contract finishes in less than 5 months. What will happen to me if I don't have or get a job after that period?

 

[scout86]

I've thought all along that you need to get out of there. Go for it! My biggest suggestion is that you find a place that's not close to your family and isn't connected to your family in any way. (Don't rent an apartment for someone you know is friends with a family member.)

It's not hard. You're smart, you're responsible. You're an adult. All you have to do is pay the bills and keep your promises. Not a big deal and I think you'll be a lot happier and can focus on your own recovery without having to relive the past 24/7.

What will happen to me if I don't have or get a job after that period?

The best time to find a job is while you have a job. I'd start looking now. In fact, I'd suggest that you ALWAYS keep your eyes open for better opportunities.

I don't know enough about your country or city to offer suggestions on possibilities. Sorry! The budget? You know how much you earn. You'll have to pay for things like rent, electricity, water, garbage, etc. Sometimes that stuff is included in your rent, sometimes it's not. Just ask around and get an idea on what typical expenses are. Ask people you work with, they are getting by on incomes like yours.

One step at a time and the next thing you know, you ARE someplace. I think you'll be glad you got out.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @scout86 , I seriously am sick of being told to shut up each time I make a suggestion or a comment.. My voice NEVER meant anything. I have NEVER done anything according to these people. I have helped my mother with so much money that she doesn't take that into account. She thinks that I am a parasite on her and I do absolutely nothing. Yes, when I am deeply depressed I don't do much around the house but I try helping her with the dishes and I don't rely on her for my expenses even when I was unemployed. I paid for my expenses from my savings not asking her for things.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Did you mention before that your employer tends to renew contracts after 6 months? I think that can give a bit of relief, but its also good to keep looking for other work!

There are lots of ways to live frugally and on a budget, so hopefully you'll be able to save some of your income just in case you end up in a situation where you're out of work for a little while.

 

[shimmerz]

This brings back a ton of memories for me. J, you are doing great. It is awesome that you are angry about this, not frozen. You have choices! Keep up the great work! :hug::hug::hug:

 

[moonbeam]

Good! Good for you! Its so good to see you getting angry and taking action. You should absolutely change your situation and get out of there.

Scout said everything I would have said. But you are a competent adult. You can do this!

 

[Recovery4Me]

I'm sorry for so many posts on this site. But this will probably be my last post because I'm going to leave this house.

In our country the library has computers, is it the same in yours? Just a thought, may not be a good one.

 

[J_trustno1]

Mum and I had a conversation which started with an argument. I told her that I don't want to live with her anymore. She said she didn't mean to upset me and wants my best. She said that she's not concerned about her brother and our official father because they are not worth our time. She only cares about me and my brother because she only considers us her family. She told me that she left her brothers house when he was barking at them and she does not plan to invite him or his new wife to our house. She said that they can go to hell.

I was relieved to hear this. I thought she let him run over us for the rest of our lives but she chose not to.