Its Midnight And I Am Afraid To Go To Bed

[Criss]

Since all of this has happened, I thought I had explained it well enough to H that I did not need intimacy right now ... just support. That has fallen on deaf ears and we are back at our starting point and I just go with it crying in my head, and my heart. Screaming in my brain until its over and he STOPS touching me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I asked him to go with me for counseling and he refuses says he would just get angry. I dont know what else to do. I live in fight or flight mode at night, cant sleep afraid of waking him .. so I am back to pacing the halls ... Is this a way to live?

 

[ericaboo]

Criss - this sounds untenable - do you a see a therapist? Is there somewhere else you can stay for a short period of time while you see if you can get your husband's understanding?

 

[ericaboo]

If you can't deal with intimacy or being touched - you shouldn't tolerate it right now - at all! If he can't deal with that - it's a very serious problem. Do you know how to access a women's shelter if necessary?

 

[evergreen]

What would happen if you just told him to absolutely not touch you right now because of your PTSD triggers? Have you set the boundries clear and firm?

 

[Criss]

okay without making my H sound horrible, I have tried to explain it to him. He thinks that if he is just easy or sweet about it makes it okay. IT DOESNT !!! Afterwards he asks like how was that??? UH??? I have to say that it was okay...He doesnt know I am crying afterwards. I try to tell him that I do not want that right now. If I do not, he looks so hurt or disgusted at me ... He really doesnt get it .. I asked him again, to go with me to therapy, and he says no .. it would just make him angry. I have my first appt with psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. I have to call my psychologist to make an appt to see her for a bit. I start back to work next wk and I am not sure I can handle it, but financially we need me to go back....

 

[ProudWife99]

At the end of the day it is NOT your responsibility to make sure HE understands your symptoms so utterly and completely to the point that he is not hurt/upset by them. In a relationship it is important to be as honest as possible, but my husband will NEVER understand what I mean when I say he cannot touch me. To a point, it still upsets him. He wants to hold me/touch me/be intimate with me and it makes him sad when I am at a point that I cannot handle that kind of closeness. Is that my fault? Absolutely not.

It is at this point YOU need to take control. If he doesn't get it right now, he just doesn't. Who knows if he will. That is not your priority. YOUR priority should be you and what is best for your peace of mind and comfort. You cannot begin to heal until you feel in a safe place to do so. I could NEVER go to my T and talk about my assault if I knew I would have to come home and relive ALL of those fears again with my H. When I am in a place where we can be close, I allow it. When I am not, I don't. That is one of the first steps in my recovery I took control of. I would say it is time for you to do the same.

It is not easy. It hurts. It makes me sad when he is sad, but my body belongs to me and I ONLY share intimacy when I feel comfortable in doing so. I drew that line in cement and if my husband refused to understand, he would either have to find a new home to sleep in or I would. I would not tolerate being guilted in/pushed into having a sexual experience that I did not want again. You shouldn't either.

I am not saying it is easy. I know it isn't, but it is important. Not just for you, but the sake of your marriage as well. You will grow to resent him more and more and this issue will create more of a divide that is very difficult to cross. Lay down your boundaries and stick to them as it is THOSE boundaries that will allow you to begin to feel safe.

I pray it gets better for you.

 

[Criss]

What if my H decides he cant handle it and decides to leave? That is where I see this going.

 

[ProudWife99]

I live in fight or flight mode at night, cant sleep afraid of waking him .. so I am back to pacing the halls ... Is this a way to live?

Would you have asked the question if you felt your relationship was conducive to a happy and healthy lifestyle?

 

[Criss]

I think I have forgotten or never truly understood what healthy lifestyle is.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Criss, some days I cant tell what healthy is but I know what it is not.

And that is a very safe place to start. Boundaries are going to hurt someone when they bump into them, but that is part of the learning process and what will keep you safe.

Do your best to keep safe, xx

 

[Barberian]

[self edit before posting, the below are just suggestions, I don't want to rewrite the post]

No means no. You have to take care of yourself first. If his feelings get hurt so what? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings and mental health if he continues after you say your not interested. By law when you say no, and he continues, he is in effect raping you. Tell him that, to help him put things in perspective. There has to be mutual respect in a relationship for it to be healty for both partners.

Tell him to go out and buy himself a sex toy or lotion and tell him to use it until you willingly say "yes". The more pressure he puts on you, the longer it will be...

Sorry if I'm to blunt, I'm not trying to offend anyone. I try to stay out of sexual issues but this "man" pisses me off and is probably evident in the tone of my post.

 

[evergreen]

Criss,

I think it is normal for you to worry about him leaving when you explain it all to him fully. I have seen others say they worry too.

I don't think you should lie to him and tell him it is ok. I don't think you should keep it from him that you are crying inside.

It might not be easy--there will likely be tough times--but you owe it to yourself to stop allowing things to be done to you that you don't want done. Take care of you.

Lots of love to you...