It's Over

[WillowMarie]

That's it. I've made up my mind. I need to stop this.

I have a best friend who is not good with arguments and can't discuss things. He gets irritated and goes into making everything into how I am acting wrong and over reacting. I mean, yes, there are sometimes where he isn't quite so bad, but I think I have been patient enough with him to know he is not going to change.

And I don't think he wants to, and I have finally accepted that I can't change him. I thought I could make him understand, but I can't waste anymore time and energy on this. Maybe I expect too much. I donno. I wanted him to help me get through things if I was triggered just to help me get through the moment.

I told him flat out, even after he said he doesn't know how to help in those moments, to say that I can make it through this, it will be okay. He said he can't say that because he doesn't want to lie to me. What?? I told him he wouldn't be lying because I WOULD get through it!

I saw a red flag when I asked him, after I noticed he always blames things on my behavior and reactions and never admits that maybe he didn't react the best, to tell me about a time when he realized he could have done something different to create a better outcome. He said he never does anything wrong. There is no having a mature discussion about things with someone like this.

And, yes, I know there are times when I am reacting because of trauma triggers. I usually don't realize it in the moment, but after I calm down, I can think rationally about it.

I need a relationship that has good communication skills. This is something I highly value.

Ugh, I know I should probably be nice and let him know I can't do this friend ship anymore. He has been texting me, but I just can't bring myself to message him about it.

I can just imagine, he blames my PTSD for this. I want to scream at him that the PTSD made me cling on for too long, and that if I didn't have it, I would have made smarter boundaries and decisions and wouldn't have put up with him for so long. That I would have kicked him to the curb sooner. (He likes to blame my ptsd for every time I get upset, like there is not any other logical reason why these things might upset a normal person.)

I kind of wonder, I think his fighting style hit too close to home... I am embarrassed to say it, or ashamed, or want to beat myself up for it.. Because my dad had a he is always right attitude. And was very stubborn. Maybe it reminded me of him. I think sometimes, after I saw this side of him, I thought I could make him change and treat me the way I deserved to be treated, or that he would love me and accept me the way I was.

It is almost like, I clung on harder and kept wishing things would change next time. On one hand, I never want to talk to him again and hate him for how he treats me, but on the other hand I am afraid to lose him for some reason. But I know things will never change.

I don't usually let myself get this close to people, so it is a lot easier just letting people slip out of my life if they don't respect me.

I don't know if that makes sense or if anyone can relate. I am getting anxiety even thinking over my decision, even though it is what I need. Gah.

 

[nursenurse]

What you are saying relates to any relationship on earth, PTSD or not. I think most of us have grappled with that kind of a decision at one time or another. I think you are making a wise decision for yourself, but breaking up is never easy, even when we know we have been treated badly, simply because we cannot turn off the caring so easily as making the decision to walk out. That will take time. I think you are a strong and smart lady. People who do not respect you do not need to be in your life, and you certainly do not need to let them slip. They need the good old fashioned heave ho and a slam of the door on their butts on the way out. You go!

 

[franciemarnie]

I love what you said - I can't change him. That's the truth.

We can't change anyone. We can make our case brilliantly and articlulately and with the best of motives, but we can't make them get it, we can't make them change. Then it is time to let go of trying, and sometimes to let go of them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Did I just write this post?!? Really, I could have! It seems like you're the identified patient so everything can and will be blamed on PTSD. Every. Little. Damn. Thing. Blamed on PTSD... And they want you to change, so you do, then you don't need them anymore, that it was in fact some part of the disorder that was making you cling to them.

 

[Recovery Girl]

What nursenurse said.......Heave Ho!!!

 

[gone]

I can just imagine, he blames my PTSD for this. I want to scream at him that the PTSD made me cling on for too long.

Sounds like you're on the verge of doing what I wish I'd done.

and that if I didn't have it, I would have made smarter boundaries and decisions and wouldn't have put up with him for so long.

That's been my crappy dynamic my whole life. Goodonya for recognizing it now. Huge step in the right direction.

 

[WillowMarie]

Thank you for all of the support everyone. It is so nice being validated. I think I am going to take the easy road and just text him about it being over. That way I don't have to hear his voice or how he reacts. I can leave my phone on silent and not check it.

Maybe not the best method, but I think it is what is best for me right now. Less stress.

And they want you to change

Argh! Yea, and apparently he is always perfect and no faults. *rolls eyes* I guess it is always easier that way, only wanting other people to change. Then you don't have to acknowledge any weakness or fault. Even though it is great when we can see those and accept those and choose to improve ourselves for ourselves.

They need the good old fashioned heave ho and a slam of the door on their butts on the way out.

Um... I think this would be very therapeutic if I actually did it this way... Invite him over just to say turn around and face outside in the door way, and slam that door... Atleast I have a funny visual to keep in mind that may make me smile.

 

[DMerish]

I need a relationship that has good communication skills. This is something I highly value.

Here! Here!!! Me too. A relationships without good communication skills is just f_k'g ______ (drop the blank or fill it in, your choice : -)

I'm all for good communication skills and getting things out of one's system in ways that are non-violet (for the lack of better words) towards the "victim" - do you have an old pillow? Can you toss it in air, in front of the door, and kick it? Repeatedly?