It's Starting Again...

[Barberian]

Long ramble, may be pointless, but I needed to write it out. Feel free to not read it or pull the ejection handle at any time.

I started writing this in "What made me angry today" thread, but for some reason didn't feel like it belonged there. Then the post just kept growing... There are a lot of other emotions playing hide and seek in my mind. It may be lacking in organization, well, because my mind is fubar right now.

I know some may feel like saying "HTFU", and I am trying. I'm not writing this for the "Poor me" vote. I'm writing it out as a form of self discovery, with forum feedback if anybody is interested.

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It's starting again.... another one of those days where everything I do fails, everything I touch falls, gets knocked over, drops, breaks, burns, or just lands out of reach and is hard to get, etc...

This happened a week or so ago and I broke my monitor in a fit of rage after half a day of it. I'm going to try and do as little as possible today, and focus on what I'm doing. Maybe I can nip this in the bud before I hurt myself or break something of value again. I'm gonna spend well, I was going to spend time with my cat who seems to know when to come to me to calm me down, but he just laid partly on the keyboard and fubar'ed my screen, I threw my keyboard again, and ***POOF*** kitty ran scratching my legs as he leaped off. Part of the theme for the day... (no kitties were hurt in the making of this post).

Think I'll take some I just took some clonazepam (Valium wanabe). My anxiety which I live with almost constantly is different than usual. It's deeper and more "impending disaster" type of anxiety, instead of the just hyper-vigilant flavor. Something has been eating at the edges of my mind for a while now (probably starving, not much mind left to chew on, lol). I don't know what it is other than the usual suspects - low self esteem, depression, anxiety, quick temper, etc... There is another monster in the shadows that I'm aware of, but can't identify. I don't know if it's a memory I'm struggling with, or just one of the fore mentioned emotions. Emotions are easier in my opinion of dealing with, they are a symptom.(It's a memory I think). If it's a memory that that I'm struggling with, they are much harder to work with because they are a cause - spawning many emotions and much turmoil.

Unfortunately for most mental health sufferers, self diagnosis is like an alcoholic trying to determine if they are fit to drive. I DO know that Syria is weighing on my mind. I do know I feel guilt for not being able to serve my country still (I feel like I should be getting ready to deploy in support of boots on the ground in Syria, which the Prez said he wouldn't do, but when can a politician be believed?). I feel like a discarded piece of garbage that is no longer wanted because I served the high year tenure and was forced to retire (max time in service for paygrade. 20 years for my paygrade). I also feel like a piece of discarded garbage because the way the gov in general and the VA specifically treats me/us vets. The politicians feel free to change (BREAK) the promises that were made to us in exchange for our service, putting our lives and health on the line to keep our country(s) great.

I feel less than a person because I'm mentally disabled, use a service dog, and I often get hassled by people who are ignorant of the law they are trying (unsuccessfully and illegally) to enforce about service dogs. I'm tired of the snide comments people say about me and my dog either to me, or within hearing distance and they know it.. Knowing I stand a good chance of being hassled, particularly at restaurants, makes it a challenge to even leave the house.

I'm tired of walking away from possible confrontations because I can't manage my anger very well. If I become angry, I may very well put someone in the hospital or morgue. So I, as most vets, have to avoid confrontation as a form of self preservation. Constantly walking away from possible confrontations is a big hit on my ego. I feel like I'm acting like a coward, avoiding confrontation. I know it takes more self control to walk away, but I so want to get in someone's face and give them all I have, all I've held back over the years. Walking away makes me feel like less of a man, when my ego already has enough wounds from what caused my PTSD to begin with.

The last two times I went for a late, late night walk with my dog turned into disasters. The first one, I hadn't even left sight of my house and a new car with several occupants who fit the "Gang" description slowed at an intersection I had just crossed right behind me. They then turned in the direction I was going, slowly passing me with the radio blasting. I have noise sensitivity. Loud noises hurt, and drive my anxiety through the roof.

They took the first turn (right) went down a little bit and turned around. They then came back and once again slowly passed me. they went to the intersection which wasn't very far behind me, and either set off an M-80 (very large firecracker, can take your fingers off) or larger or fired a gun, I couldn't tell. I walked as fast as I could away from them, because I don't have any endurance. If I run, that's it, I'm exhausted. They turned around and sped towards my direction, but I hid behind a vehicle. They slowed down in the general area I was as if they were looking for me. They went on around the block. I went around the block because at that point, it was the shortest route home. They then came around the block from behind me, I hid again, and they stopped mid-block in front of me between me and my house. I had to turn around and walk an extra half mile to get home, the whole time scared I was going to be killed before I got home.

I may have taken the whole situation out of context, but there were too many red flags for my paranoid mind to handle. Because of a situation I experience in Dubai, in the Gulf, walking at night, I can get so paranoid, my mind starts to make up shit. What I wrote about actually happened, but I can't prove any motive(s), my mind filled in the blanks.

Then last night, I was again walking with my dog to a local park, half a mile from my house. After playing and walking the dog for a while, I was almost ready to leave. I was letting Sequoia use a kids slide, something she really seems to enjoy. A man about 50-75 yards away started making comments about my dog being a rat. He could hardly see it from where he was and I could only assume he was trying to antagonize me. He was mid 20's, bigger than me, and had several friends I didn't see at first with him. Once again, paranoia set in, and I ended up walking almost a mile further than I had intended to get home safely. I was in incredible pain because of my fibromyalgia.

The above 2 incidents I know are also weighing on my mind.

I'm hitting post now, even though there is more on my mind. I'm mentally exhausted trying to put this stuff in words, and I've probably lost most people who tried to get this far.

 

[Chin Strapped]

Fair enough mate, if the triggers were there and the survival instinct kicked in, it may well have saved your ass; those last two incidents can quickly turn ugly.

You have seen/ done too much for your country to lose it all in a moment of madness.

Chin up Bar, see out the storm.

 

[Sarg]

Perfectly understandable, Jimmy. When I have a big project (like your moving to your new house), I get pumped up for it so I can see my way through it and hopefully finish it. After it's over and done, I get an "anxiety hangover". I feel antsy, unsure if I did the job right, ect. ect. Kind of like a kid racing his car motor, lotz of noise and power but going nowhere. That might be part of it.

Walking away from conflict is a difficult thing for us. It's contrary to all we've been taught. Stand and fight. With the notable exception of myself, if these civilian idiots had any brains they sure as hell wouldn't face off to a seasoned Veteran. Oh, I'll stand and fight, I just usually wind up with my dick in the dirt. But I sure as hell wouldn't go toe to toe with you or Jar or Red, that's suicide.

That causes huge stress, because it rails against a number of triggers. A warrior's training, bravery, manhood, pugilistic ability, disgust for the pools of puke that go around looking for a fight (kids in the car). You add that all up and you've got a pretty full stress cup.

You have a right to feel all of this, there's a lot of stress there.

So, buy a new monitor (I have an extra if you want to come and get it) ($2000 American for airline tickets for a $50 monitor), put leather boots on the cat and try to get back to your "happy place".

Jimmy, there's a fire storm going on within most of us all the time. It takes all we can muster to try to get it down to a dull roar. Pile on top of that the complications of additional stress and strain and most of us would feel the same.

Sarg

 

[JennyMac]

this will pass...although you may not be able to see it from here. I think you did the right thing in those two situations....if that were me I would have either not left my house or chase them with a golf club....either way it would not have been good for the health.

I would say you dodged a bullet there....nothing cowardly about that, I would say you made all the right choices and you are here to tell the tale....no doubt the stress reaction afterwards probably has you exhausted....sleeeeeep if you can, as long as you can. I say again, this will pass just hang on a little longer. and like sarg said, leather boots for the cat and a new monitor will probably do wonders...

 

[Spock]

I was getting wound-up just reading it Bar, glad you made it through the experience and kept your wits. Good to let it out...

 

[Jimmy1]

Perfectly understandable, Jimmy. When I have a big project (like your moving to your new house), I get pumped up for it so I can see my way through it and hopefully finish it. After it's over and done, I get an "anxiety hangover". I feel antsy, unsure if I did the job right, ect. ect. Kind of like a kid racing his car motor, lotz of noise and power but going nowhere. That might be part of it.



Jimmy, there's a fire storm going on within most of us all the time. It takes all we can muster to try to get it down to a dull roar. Pile on top of that the complications of additional stress and strain and most of us would feel the same.

Sarg

Sarg, the dementia has set in has it mate. roflmao. I did not even remark on this thread until now.

On a serious not Barb, as you know PTSD is an anxiety disorder, it just depends on the level. You have to balance your day depending on that level. For instance, I woke up this morning angry and anxious. I had a whole heap of things planned to be doing. I had already installed a new tap outside which involved turning the water off, then I set up the HDMI and power to the downstairs dvd player.
Margaret told me not to start anything when I was in that state and kama took a turn as I ignored her and went outside to start moving the branches I lopped off with the chainsaw yesterday. What happened.

A whole nest of them and they landed on my back, it's the quickest I have moved in a long time.

The moral of the story, I should of done nothing. Trust your instincts mate, if it dose not feel right and you don't feel right, don't do it.
Have the day off. What could go wrong if you did.

While your there, harden the f*ck up.

Seriously mate, the material things can be replaced and the cat is alive. Chill out buddy, you will appreciate it.

 

[Sarg]

My apologies all around. My piteous excuse was I was super wound up and doing 70 in a school zone. (Note to self...pay attention to what the hell you're doing!)

Sarg

 

[Jimmy1]

My apologies all around. My piteous excuse was I was super wound up and doing 70 in a school zone. (Note to self...pay attention to what the hell you're doing!)

Sarg

That was so very funny my friend, it gave me a laugh. One of those open mouth and change feet moments.

 

[Barberian]

Well, I survived that day. Went out to my truck and slept most of the afternoon away. It was around 100F +/- outside, hotter in the truck because of the aluminum roof. Think - taking a nap in a sauna and your close. I think the half day nap, and the extra take as needed meds helped.

Ended up my mother in law had fallen two days earlier and was unable to get up or get to the phone. Spent the whole night and into today at the hospital, and getting her home and her bedroom cleaned up. Two days on the floor, and bathroom needs happen. Threw most of her blankets and pillows away and bought new ones. Spent most of today trying to catch naps where and when I could, had to spend most of the day watching my granddaughter, then helping my mother in law.

I'd post more, but my brain is scrambled from lack of sleep and stress. Will post more later probably.

 

[Barberian]

I think depression was my overall worst symptom causing this day to be so bad. Usually I can tell how strong my depression is, but sometimes not so much. The two incidents of peeps messing with me when on my night walks really messed with my head. As I said, I had an incident in Dubai where I thought I was going to be killed by five men late at night, while on a walk. Walking at night, and having someone mess with me is a big trigger. Just walking at night can be difficult if my mind isn't in the right frame of mind.

I've lived in this neighborhood since it was built 15 or so years ago and never had any real problems. Then in less than a week, I have two confrontations that make me seriously concerned for my life and health. There are several murders a year in my town from the local gangs. It is not uncommon for gang members from Fresno Ca or L.A. to come here and kill people too. They both have interests in the drug trade here. Usually the murders are among the gangs, but sometimes they kill random peeps just for gang initiation and for the fear factor. Fresno has a very high crime rate and is usually in the top 10 for it's size in the U.S. for murders and such. It's only about 30-45 miles away.

 

[Chin Strapped]

Sounds lovely.

Seriously hazardous to your mental health and would be for mine too. I live in a city, buy that is insanely hostile.

I dream of a house away from any kind of shit like that.

 

[steve1]

The kinda stuff Bar talks about is why I moved to the country several years ago. Too many triggers, gangbangers, crazy shit happening at all hours of the day & night in the city. I grew up in Northern Ontario so this was kinda like homecoming. I get deer and wild turkeys in the yard. If any of you can manage it...do it. The peace & quiet is worth it.