@jmni , I think it's a matter of, not what you say but how you say it. Like, I can definitely see where you are trying to come through as encouraging and to say the family doesn't seem all that weird, with to move forward into life. I totally agree that while we cant choose our family, we can choose to live without them, if that is what is best for us to do... At the same time, it's a slippery slope when it comes to minimizing how someone should feel about the situation they are in. But that all comes from our personal perspective, you have likely seen or yourself experienced a much weirder family, but for her, those families aren't affecting her life, her own family is.
Like, I really do feel for her to have to live with a "golden child" brother, who her grandmother would say he has a face a mom would love, but she, not so much. What I heard was similar...from my mother, I can't stand to look at you, you don't even have the face a mother would love, so don't think anyone else will. I'm almost 40, and I still have a hard time with that... And as a mother, I do think its incredibly weird, because I can not even imagine not being able to look at kiddo and not think of how much I love her. I mean, just look at her..she's awesome! (just imagine LoL I know you cant actually look at her, but take my word for it..she is :D)
Though I don't have the golden child issues, my ex was the golden child in his family..him and his siblings are now in their late 30's to mid -40's and the parents / grandparents still treat the others like crap and its a major issue within the family. I got a personal view into how bad it was when, after 4 years together and planning to marry, I found out he was cheating on me with other women... His mother said to me, well....did you ever specifically tell him that you expect to be exclusive? If you didn't sit down and tell him not to sleep with other women, then of course he's free to be with whoever he wants. I was dumbfounded!! It took a couple years before his parents finally could see..okay, maybe he did wrong you. But they still stand by it that there was nothing wrong with him bringing other women over to meet them, knowing we were together. "We love and accept into our family anyone he loves...that's what parents do"...
That was my little taste..his siblings have been going through that and much worse for 30+ years now... I've heard of parents favoring a child a bit more than the others, but they flat out will say, who cares what you do / what you want to do / you'll never be like your brother. That's weird to me too...but then, my mother hated my sister and I equally (ha ha?) anyway, just bringing in some perspective, just that...when one cannot relate, or knows of other really bad situations, it does seem like encouragement to imply being grateful because it could be worse. But for that person, it is a painful situation for what it is, and their feelings are still valid, no matter how much worse it could be in comparison to whatever else is out there.
Anyway, like I said, I can see where you are coming from and that your heart is in the right place, just that to reflect on how you said it could be taken in a hurtful way?
