Relationship Judgment

[BewitchedBewildered]

I've been thinking about judgment a lot today. People judge those with PTSD period, but then people also judge those with PTSD that didn’t serve in the military or served but not in combat or served on "a boat, not real combat" (as someone referenced my ex). This all started earlier when I read some thoughts on how supporters accept some treatment from PTSD that we would not normally accept in a relationship.

I will admit I almost decided to leave the forum because of it, but honestly I agreed with some of it. See, in my head, I never understood how someone could deal with being cheated on or called horrible names saying that PTSD was the cause. Then someone posted berating how someone could actually put up with isolation for longer than a few hours to a few days. That, of course, is my issue with my ex. That got me thinking. I did not like being judged about what I was worried about as an aspect of PTSD and currently hurting over, as many other sufferers have also indicated.

Of course, we all agree that normal instinct cannot be used when looking at a relationship that involves PTSD, but we still apply our own boundaries, beliefs, and judgments. I would never accept infidelity or the anger issues that are often associated with PTSD that I read about here and other places. I am applying my own personal morals or rationale on a psychological disorder. That is, in and of itself, illogical.

I am not even sure how to end this post, but I know, personally, that my ex is a good man. He could not have held up such an elaborate act for almost 3 years. Maybe I am delusional, but PTSD does confound the issue. It confuses and bewilders most of us that do not actually have it. I would only ask that we all try and respect each other and all of our journeys.

 

[KrispyKreme]

Thank you for sharing this thought. I really liked it.

You sound like you are very strong.

Take care.

 

[kahlan]

Bewitched I've been following your story for a bit (not sure sometimes how to say what i want to encourage you or help you feel better somehow) but haven't really spoken. I myself the other day had to walk away for a few because it seemed like every supporter thread was the same over and over and it became honestly a bit overwhelming to me as well.

PTSD is a b*tch. Yes, I just said it. Its so true that things that would be deal breakers in a "normal"relationship may slide a bit further when with someone with a disorder like PTSD. Everyone has their limits to what is acceptable and not. Applying personal expectations to an outsider's problem isn't necessarily helpful. Yes, an outside point of view can be eye opening but the "advise" given may not be practical for the reciever.It is their life, if they unddrstand there is a problem and have new tools to deal its then up to them to.use them. What they do with those tools is then out of any hands but theirs. Constructive advise, giving options and having reasoning behind it is one thing. So often I see "just leave" sometimes that's the best thing to do but you only see one side of the issue, also sometimes there are other things that can be done to mitigate (maybe the person isn't ready to leave, maybe the "abuser" isn't fully aware of how their actions are actually affecting their partner).

Either way each of us handle the ups and downs in our own way. I personally can't imagine how you're feeling right now, mine has been isolating for two weeks and I'm near crazy right now :/.

We are all here for the same reason, yet each of us is different. Respect that. ( Sorry a little tired if I came across as rambly or preachy :$)

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

It seems that you're seeking balance - looking 'what' may or may not apply to an actual PTSD episode, or if the person's PTSD is being used as an excuse to getaway with unacceptable behavior? Go with your intuition... you are strong in character, obviously. And, intelligent... this was a well-thought out post... it addresses the concerns most caregivers and those involved with someone with PTSD...

My guy and I both have complex PTSD - There is no fooling anyone in our relationship - We know each other's triggers and when the other one is trying to control a situation by using PTSD... A work in progress one day at a time.

Warning: The road to recovery is in need of constant maintenance... :)))

 

[nursenurse]

I don't think anyone sits in judgement of the person, but in judgement of their actions. Sometimes the comments around them are taken as a stab at the character of the person behind those actions, and I am quite sure most of us do not mean that to be the case. It is difficult day after day, week after week, to read of people being treated unfairly, and it is because we care, we have researched and lived the lives ourselves that we offer what we can, maybe too bluntly at times. We are all different, true, but there are certain truths to PTSD that individual experiences will never change. On a public forum, you have to expect answers you will not like, and you are free to take or leave them as you choose.

What folks are going through as individuals (I am generalizing, not saying this to anyone in particular) does not make the advice and comments any less valid. But we acknowledge that we are all human, and we are all subject to varying degrees of weakness and vulnerability. I can talk to my friends for the soft shoulder, but I come here for the hard truth. Sometimes it comes with a soft shoulder, and sometimes not. And I try to take it in the spirit it was meant - concern for me and my well being.

 

[Hashi]

On a public forum, you have to expect answers you will not like, and you are free to take or leave them as you choose.

I agree with this, and also that a comment about someone's behaviour isn't automatically a comment about the person's character. Similarly, a different point of view isn't automatically a judgement, or disrespectful of someone's journey.

I'd also say that for some of us our journey has included recognising unacceptable behaviour and protecting ourselves (and sometimes others) from it. Some of us have mental health issues from growing up with one parent whose behaviour was very difficult or even abusive, and another parent who - for whatever reason - stayed with them without taking effective action to protect us from that. Someone posting may have a perspective, knowledge or experience that the original poster doesn't have. Isn't that partly what being on a forum like this is about?

There have been a few discussions about this topic lately on the forum. It seems to me that they all boil down to what's unacceptable or abusive and where to draw a line. People have different views on where the line is, and I think that's to be expected.

I've seen posts where a supporter has stated when posting that they don't want to be told to leave or not accept something, which seems a good way to get round the issue if wanted.