Just Another Day

[desiderata310]

It's been a busy couple of days. I've been moving boxes and all the small items I could stuff into my car and transporting it to my new house about a mile away. Tonight, I came back with some groceries and started putting them away and noticed something out of place. I have very specifically placed a small squeeze bear of honey BEHIND the boxes of tea. I had done this because is medicated and I didn't want it out should my landlord stop by while I was out.

I went from 0 -90 in less than 2 seconds: standing in the middle of the kitchen dry heaving and crying. My friend Z, texting with me said I was probably mistaken. *sigh* I ...

I want to believe that. I do. but I don't.

I'm so f*cking tired of this. Why can't I just feel SAFE in my own goddamn house? I've spent the last couple hours trying to come back down. I feel like I pulled a muscle in my back from crying so hard.

Just a day in the life...

 

[shimmerz]

The gift that keeps on giving. I know how it feels to go into 'auto pilot' when something is out of place. It speaks to how dangerous life once was. A few people on the board have helped me 'figure out' how other things may have happened instead. It has been helpful but first the brain needs to slow down a bit. It seems impossible at times.

I also know the friends trying to help saying 'you must be mistaken' or 'but that doesn't make any sense'. All invalidating stuff. I am certain your friend is trying to calm you but that never really helped me much. Just made me feel 'crazy'.

I don't have the right words Desi, because I don't have them for me yet either. It doesn't take much to spin me out in that way. The last time we worked through it on the board here though we came up with ideas and it turned out that there was a reason that was not tied into 'my past'. That will give me stronger ground to stand on next time it happens (and it invariably will as there is always stuff that seems 'out of place') We can't keep it all straight all of the time.

Standing with you Desi. I hope you are feeling better and that you were able to sleep. :hug: