D
Deleted member 34535
I have lived as a person with multiple mental health diagnosis for the most part my entire life. I finally realized it a little more than two years ago. These past 2 years have undoubtedly been the most painful 2 years of my life. Having to accept that for sure one of your parents abused both myself and my brother. Not knowing about the other deceased parent's role regarding mistreatment and/or the abuse of both myself and my brother. My brother knew he was going to commit suicide and planned all of his after life arrangements his self. On his mosolium plaque, he removed the suffix Junior as well as his middle initial which was the middle name he shared with my father.
So as if it wasn't enough to deal with the realization that my mother and most likely my father were both abusers of myself and my brother, there was my so-called son. He just had his 24th birthday. He moved in and out of my home 4 times and neither time did he ever come and talk to me face to face that he was leaving. As I got my medication and got myself a little more stabilized, I realized it was all about one thing. He wanted to get a disability check for the rest of his life from the Federal Government. He wanted me to go to the Psych Ward and spill my guts about my brother committing suicide via a shotgun to the head and all of the problems I had in my life. Once I figured it out, I pretty much told him to pound sand. At a later date, I found out that he is into Satanic Worship. There isn't much you can do with that. My belief in God is something he can't tolerate, and that is just fine with me.
I have been working my lily white ass off at one simple thing, survival. I have suffered more than even I thought I could stand. Yes there were times when I thought about what it would feel like not to hurt. Something kept me saying just make it through today and see what tomorrow will bring. And here I am, I made it through another day. Yes I still hurt every day, but the amount of time that I hurt is diminishing. I have survived what these evil individuals tried to do to me. I promised my brother, when I figured all of this mess out, that I would do the best I could to live for the both of us.
It would have been very easy to allow my heart and soul to get as hard as a rock. But I did not. I remain a person who loves to do for other people. I took a little mini-vacation from work. This morning I took my neighbor, who is in poor health, to Wal-Mart, dropped him off, and picked him up when he was done. I took his groceries in for him. I help him do little things from time to time when he needs help. After that, I went fishing for 4 hours. Long story short, I can still be one who does for other people which is who I have always been. I can still keep what makes up my core. I don't have to be a person with a hardened soul. And for me, that is victory. I did not become them or anything like the people that they are. For me, that is a monumental accomplishment.
So as if it wasn't enough to deal with the realization that my mother and most likely my father were both abusers of myself and my brother, there was my so-called son. He just had his 24th birthday. He moved in and out of my home 4 times and neither time did he ever come and talk to me face to face that he was leaving. As I got my medication and got myself a little more stabilized, I realized it was all about one thing. He wanted to get a disability check for the rest of his life from the Federal Government. He wanted me to go to the Psych Ward and spill my guts about my brother committing suicide via a shotgun to the head and all of the problems I had in my life. Once I figured it out, I pretty much told him to pound sand. At a later date, I found out that he is into Satanic Worship. There isn't much you can do with that. My belief in God is something he can't tolerate, and that is just fine with me.
I have been working my lily white ass off at one simple thing, survival. I have suffered more than even I thought I could stand. Yes there were times when I thought about what it would feel like not to hurt. Something kept me saying just make it through today and see what tomorrow will bring. And here I am, I made it through another day. Yes I still hurt every day, but the amount of time that I hurt is diminishing. I have survived what these evil individuals tried to do to me. I promised my brother, when I figured all of this mess out, that I would do the best I could to live for the both of us.
It would have been very easy to allow my heart and soul to get as hard as a rock. But I did not. I remain a person who loves to do for other people. I took a little mini-vacation from work. This morning I took my neighbor, who is in poor health, to Wal-Mart, dropped him off, and picked him up when he was done. I took his groceries in for him. I help him do little things from time to time when he needs help. After that, I went fishing for 4 hours. Long story short, I can still be one who does for other people which is who I have always been. I can still keep what makes up my core. I don't have to be a person with a hardened soul. And for me, that is victory. I did not become them or anything like the people that they are. For me, that is a monumental accomplishment.
