Just Found This Forum...

[helena]

Hi DP,

Glad you came over to the forum here and told your story.

Good talking to you the other day in chat - hope to catch up with you again

Helena

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi again DP,

I've had the pleasure of chatting with you a few days ago, and I've read your thread, and another one.

Like everyone else, your story and mine are different. You've been through quite a lot from what I'm reading. Sounds like we’ve both beaten ourselves up quite a lot during our lives.

Today, with all the work I did on myself, I rarely do that. It took a lot of work in my case, some would say an obsession, but I've dealt with the reasons, beliefs, etc, as to the whats and whys behind my thoughts and feelings.

The thing that jumps out at me most when you chat/post is the high level of self-awareness that you have. And a lot of people I've met who have PTSD are generally that way too. Being highly self-aware myself (since an early age when I monitored everything including my breathing for fear of criticism), I know how painful it is to be that way when under stress or if very self-conscious.

Painful as it was, being self-aware is the choice I made to get better, as I tried denial, wishing thinking and stuff like that, only to have to come back eventually to the drawing board and do the work. That may explain why I hated schoolwork!

Also like you, music is a passion and helps me stay connected to all things good and my feelings. Last night I joined three other drummers for a project, and we are all doing basic technique, which I have trouble doing, so it’s like free lessons, and I had a blast. Drumming is in my blood and sounds like music is in yours.

I encourage you to pursue your music, because it sounds like you are really good at it. I wish you the best in whatever decisions you make about your future, and look forward to reading more of your posts and chatting.

JM53

 

[DeadParagon]

Wowww... I just typed like 10 paragraphs and LOST EVERYTHING! That sucks!

Long story, but Ill try to make it short. I had a bad case of isolation for the past 3 days. I decided to lock away my PS3 console and my cable box to try to stop this pattern. Ehh.. It really sucks that I lost everything I typed :(. I had a lot written about this...

Anyway, I wanna thank you all for the responses.

CC, Im really glad that things are looking up with you and your boyfriend. The fact that he could express those feelings is a really good sign. There was (and still is) only one person I was able to express those feelings for since coming home, and that was my ex from before I deployed (weird...the song that just came on is relating to what Im writing :/ ). Unfortunately, I lost her to someone else. I haven't been able to reconnect like that with anyone else since. So its a really good sign that he can express those feelings for you. He doesn't wanna lose you. Give him space when needed but try your best to stick by him.

I could really understand wanting to go back for the wrong reasons. "Looking for trouble", its so true. I feel like it's either war or music cause if I don't make it home, the music is done, finito!

And I can relate to everything military being comforting. I went into the recruiters office at a National Guard base a couple of weeks ago. That whole day I felt like crap.. just plain horrible. But when I went into that base and spoke with a few soldiers, I felt so good. I was happy, smiling, talkative. Probably cause I know most of them could understand me. When I was discharged from the Corps, I felt like I lost my home and my whole family. I was really heartbroken. I still am. So anything military is really comforting for me. But like Clydie wrote, Im lucky I got music cause that comforts me. Thank you for the support Clydie.

I hope to talk to you again soon Helena. That was a really good conversation and you helped me out a lot.

Hows it going Johnny. I hope I can continue to work on myself without all the gaps in between. I keep falling off.

And that self awareness and hyper-vigilance are killers. I watch EVERYONE, and I can't help. And I watch everyone watch me. Aren't we some great mind readers :D ? Joking, of course. Towards the end, the alcohol couldn't even numb those feelings... Sometimes it made it worst! Im ALWAYS on guard. And all my little mind tricks don't seem to work. I really need help with this. When I was taking too many meds before, I think they made it worst, especially anti depressants. And the mood stabilizers turned me into a dud. They calmed me down a lot, but I felt like zombie and my self awareness increased because of it. I only take propanalol now.

Once again, seems music is the key. BTW, Dr. DVD is hilarious man. Keep it up!

Im gonna try to go to bed now. I hope to talk to you all soon.

Mike

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hiya Mike!

Well ya that sure does suck!! Had that happen to me today due to a power outage. Wasn't no 10 paragraphs though (yikes - you must have been royally pissed off!).

Happy to read that you're enjoying Doc DVD. We sure need a laugh after what we've all been through.

Awareness and hyper-vigilance. Oh ya! An amazing gift and a bloody curse all at once.

Well, what can I say. It seems that both music and war have been here forever.

Music soothes the soul (or pisses off the neighbours...lol) while war can free the oppressed, defend freedom and democracy and save lives, at a great cost of course.

It's a hard call to make and I can only imagine your dilemma. Soothe the soul and bring joy to others, or save the lives of innocent people.

We couldn't compare the two of course, as saving a life takes the cake.

Lately, I've been thinking that good, bad, learning and loving experiences aside, what will matter to me in the end is how I lived. Did I try to change? Was I honest? Did I try to make a better life for myself? Did I take responsbility for it more than not? Did I learn to forgive those who hurt me? Did I help or hinder people, life, progress, etc.?

And it seems to boil down to two events: what I will think and feel like on my death bed when I ask myself these questions? And if there is something beyond, how I will feel if I am asked those questions by some supreme being, assuming there is something beyond. And I may not get the chance or the time to reflect on these, as I could die instantly, and death could be final.

So now I ask those questions as if today was my last day. I gave my life to become who I am...was it worth it??...I guess that's what life asks of each of us.

You seem fully aware of your situation, so what I'm wondering is whether maybe you really want to go towards music because that's where your heart and soul is at, but maybe you feel a bit guilty because you think it's selfish to do so.

From what I've read about and chatted with you, many would say you've "paid your dues to society". You've been through a lot of bad, and you're still struggling after all these eyars, and yet you made the responsible choice at some point.

Something inside you made you make the right choices - so you know you can trust your instincts. So just follow your heart Mike. Your head will always want to debate it however.

Maybe your answer lies in the question to: What will help you heal faster? War or music?

As for isolation, I see we both have a mouse hole to run to. LOL Not fun is it?

I use to isolate to avoid feeling awful/worse, or because I was so deeply depressed, I didn't want to be around anyone, including myself. I got to a point last year where I stopped fighting it, and just stayed with it. I thought "If I stay here depressed for three days, a week or two, so be it." I stopped fighting my feelings, tried to figure out why I was feeling that way and what could I do to change it. If I couldn't figure it out, I'd just not fight it.

Later, I bought yet more books, by Eckhart Tolle, on non duality, etc, and the funny thing was, they all said that suffering was caused by "resisting what is", and that non-resistance (letting it go or happen) was the answer to end suffering.

And I was doing that, slowly, but wasn't aware it was a concept or technique.

Now I try (keyword being try) to do just that - to witness what is happening to me - inside and out - and just be aware of it. And I notice that it's not only easier than fighting my feelings, I seem to be healing faster. But I should mention I have very little stress in my life. But I had to work on that one.

My post is long (as usual). I'm tired. I'm going to go sleep in by box of straw (I'm a mous e don't forget...lol)) I may not be making much sense. So I'll end here by saying that I hope someday to be watching TV, at a concert, or walk into to a music store and say "OMG! He chose music and made it big time!"

JM53

 

[CCurry]

CC, Im really glad that things are looking up with you and your boyfriend. The fact that he could express those feelings is a really good sign. There was (and still is) only one person I was able to express those feelings for since coming home, and that was my ex from before I deployed (weird...the song that just came on is relating to what Im writing :/ ). Unfortunately, I lost her to someone else. I haven't been able to reconnect like that with anyone else since. So its a really good sign that he can express those feelings for you. He doesn't wanna lose you. Give him space when needed but try your best to stick by him.

I could really understand wanting to go back for the wrong reasons. "Looking for trouble", its so true. I feel like it's either war or music cause if I don't make it home, the music is done, finito!

And I can relate to everything military being comforting. I went into the recruiters office at a National Guard base a couple of weeks ago. That whole day I felt like crap.. just plain horrible. But when I went into that base and spoke with a few soldiers, I felt so good. I was happy, smiling, talkative. Probably cause I know most of them could understand me. When I was discharged from the Corps, I felt like I lost my home and my whole family. I was really heartbroken. I still am. So anything military is really comforting for me. But like Clydie wrote, Im lucky I got music cause that comforts me. Thank you for the support Clydie.


Hi DP,

I hate when I've typed paragraphs and then they delete on me and it's happened a few times here AND I still haven't figured out how to use the quote button properly.

I'm glad someone else can relate to the whole comfort of being surrounded by army because for me I thought it was a bit strange. I mean as a civee I would be inclined to run away from gun firing sounds so I don't understand the concept of running toward it....lol. I could totally see my OH feeling so at home at that National Guard base so ya you and he can relate. Anyway thanks for telling me this and now maybe I'll think it's not as strange as it sounds.

For me personally, I believe we have more than one soulmate in our lifetime and so DP you never know who'll bump into! That's the one thing about D, even though he's not the same being in this ptsd spin cycle he still can express himself and still manages to tell me how much he loves me more than a few times a day. I can't imagine walking away just because we are going through a really rough patch!

I'm glad music is an escape for you and speaking of music I never really enjoyed Country until I met D and now I love it, it has so much meaning and I'm not talking that twangy stuff just real honest to goodness lyrics. What kind of music are you into?

And because I don't know how to use the quote button properly, Johnny I thought what you said was so profound, the line about what matters is how you lived your life. Well said and I'll carry that with me today!

C

 

[DeadParagon]

Hi guys,

I gotta make this quick because I have to get ready for tomorrow and finish some projects.
Johnny, I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power Of Now and I try to resist less but I have a hard time with it. I know it works though.

Very profound statement you made here...

Maybe your answer lies in the question to: What will help you heal faster? War or music?

The answer to that is tooo clear. Music 100%.

Im on new meds now. Klonopin. It helps a lot but I can see myself having to take it for the rest of my life. Scary thought.

Ive been isolating less since I locked away the console. Now I just spend my insomnia making music ;D .

Hi CC,

I know there's a special lady out there for me. Im dating this Japanese girl now (I really dig asian girls :). So far, so good. I find myself liking her more and more. I just hope I don't hurt her emotionally somewhere down the line.

Speaking of music, I never really enjoyed country either, but if you had a change of heart then maybe I can too. Im a rap artist/producer/beat maker composer. I get inspired by all types of music from classic soul/rock, metal, alternative, drum & bass, techno, trance, ethnic music from around the world etc. I think thats what makes me so versatile. I could listen to anything as long as it sounds good.
Im an emotional, political, rebellious, angry, loving, sensual, inspirational, story telling rapper. LoL, a lot of my older songs suggested I had PTSD before I even knew I had it or knew what it was.
Now... Im not a big fan of all the "music"(garbage) that's out right now (only very little). It's like the message is, "heyyy, Im an asshole with no talent and a lot of money and you only WISH you had it like me, so Dance B**** Dance to this dumb song I wrote(or someone else wrote) so I can take your money ;D".
They say the only way to really make a name for yourself is to appease the radio station monopolies and the idiots first, and THEN you can be yourself and be creative.

I got a few stupid songs (very few.. mostly collabs). But theres still a story or meaning behind every song. All my songs have messages(some subliminal) and truth to them. I couldn't make a Soulja Boy type song if someone put a gun to my head. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I can make intelligent songs with truth and hidden meanings that can even appease the idiots. Most of my music is self therapy.
I got lively angry songs that make people wanna fight. But if only they knew, I made those songs for myself as an outlet for my rage. Its REALLY how I feel. And its really how I get when I go into rage episodes.
I make sexy songs for the ladies because I really like the ladies.
I like to make songs that make someone taking a trip into my mind more like taking a trip into Ripley's Believe it or Not or Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory(the classic, creepy one).
I like to make songs about political and government corruption and examples of our inhumanity.
I like to make songs about survival, inspiration, perseverance, and hope and the fact that we CAN change for the better.
I like to make songs that let the world know how dark, sinister and/or screwed up I can be.
On the flip side of that, I like to make songs that let people know how much I care for humanity. And none if it is a mistake or confusion. I do it to show the world my duality and expose my inner conflicts and demons.

LoL this was supposed to be brief. I can go on and on for days on this. If you're interested, send me an email and I'll email you back with one of my latest songs.

Take care guys
Mike