DeadParagon
New Here
Last night, while having an episode (rage attack? emotional floodgate opened?). They really, really suck. And leave me cursing God, asking him to kill me. I only got 2 hours of sleep after posting in the combat forum. It was a good 2 hours of sleep (surprisingly) after letting all that crap out. Anyway...
I think this might be long and I apologize in advance.
So Im finding out I have childhood related PTSD as well as combat related PTSD. I thought it was just combat related but by working with a therapist and other people, Ive been exposing a seemingly complex web of traumatic events, some way more profound than others.
I guess it starts with the normal stuff, like, me being very attached to my parents and father leaving when I was 3. Always cried every time they left, maybe afraid I'd lose them forever? I was extremely sensitive, with no siblings, I isolated in my own world I guess. Pretty sick memories in my head from the time I with my mom and step dad (don't really wanna mention them). I was 5 and I remember him going berserk one day, beating my mother and somehow pushing me down a steep flight of stairs. He didn't mean to (didn't think this would hurt but it does). I spent some time in leg braces. Im not sure why, memories are vague. I remember a kid making fun of how I walk. I still get flashbacks of the dumb kid. I know it sounds stupid but it screwed me up (embarrassing fear of walking in public). Screw it! I might as well throw it all out there.
My mother kept leaving me places (she was working and going to school), kept taking her boyfriend's sides over mine. I detached from her. I acted out a lot. I would run away from camps and other places she sent me to. Cursing people out, no respect for elders. Calmed down after starting catholic school. I really tried to fit in but couldn't. Things happened in this time that really screwed me up.
Tried to validate myself in HS by joining gangs and acting out even more. That had its moments like, when members of the same gang didn't acknowledge my set and came after me. I had to leave my school. Too much running from my gang and other gangs in the area. I went to about 7 different HSchools. I think it was number 4 that really screwed me up. It was a boarding school called Laurinburg Institute in NC. The school was a sham. Living there was like being in a prison with no guards. Every time I called my mother and told her how it was, she didn't believe me (boy who cried wolf). So she wouldn't let me come home.
I had permanent gang scars that I tried to hide, cause when I got there, I was the youngest and most of the other kids were rival gang members. Couldn't run anywhere this time. The school was surrounded by 4 crazy projects and if you were from NY they'd shoot at you. I had really traumatic events out there. Got my first taste of panic. I was abused until I snapped. I tried to set the place on fire and threatened to kill a few of them. I started standing up for myself. They left me alone. I started to like it there. I was a full blown alcoholic. I cant even remember doing school work. I turned 15.
The start of the school year, a lot of new kids came in. The dorm leader couldn't control anyone. He would lock himself in his room and sniff coke. I only seen him come out when this poor kid was being stomped out in front of his door. At 3am, kids would run around the dorm kicking other kids' doors down. Some kids had guns. An older kid I looked up to committed murders out there like it was okay. Im gonna stop there with this part of my life.
I went home thinking, "Im a man now, I earned my respect". Instead, I couldn't go back to a regular HS because my panic attacks were debilitating. So I drank to self medicate. I ended up in treatment centers/schools for troubled youth. I learned how to solicit and abuse prescription drugs like ridalin and aderal. I will fast forward.
At 17 I was in really bad shape but someone thankfully brought me to AA, where I stood and got better. Had relapses here and there, but I later enlisted in the Marine Corps at age 20. A great decision, that really straightened me out. I was in the reserves so I still had a life over here to tend to. Had some ups and downs but at 22 started a promotional gig in times square. The mass interactions with so many different people help me tremendously. I came to love humanity. I felt I had found myself. Finally!
Then I deployed to Iraq.
You can read that part of my story in the combat forum. But in a nutshell, I came home worst than ever. Haven't been able to find myself since. I wish I could go back to the war, but I got into trouble when I came home and was other than honorably discharged. I really hate myself sometimes. I think part of me subconsciously wants to die.. always! I feel I am an extremely sick person. If I don't fix me.. Im dead.
I remember getting a lot of auditory flashbacks and people yelling and screaming in my head from all angles at age 16. That was some REALLY scary shit. Now I get mostly emotional flashbacks from the war.
Ive had nightmares all my life. Ive grown used to them. I could be Stephen Kings lost relative or something.
I became so apathetic because of the war. Always under constant stress and anxiety. Im a ticking time bomb. I can play it off like Im keeping my cool for a very limited amount of time until I go into another episode (rage attack, isolation, panic, depression etc).
I love making my music. When I immerse myself in it, there's not much room for negative and intrusive thoughts. It's the only thing that doesn't seem to be completely affected by my apathy (It does happen once in while).
Im sorry I wrote so much. I feel a lot of relief since finding this forum last night. I think its helping to write/type this stuff out. A couple of you already reached out to me and I'm really grateful for that.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I think this might be long and I apologize in advance.
So Im finding out I have childhood related PTSD as well as combat related PTSD. I thought it was just combat related but by working with a therapist and other people, Ive been exposing a seemingly complex web of traumatic events, some way more profound than others.
I guess it starts with the normal stuff, like, me being very attached to my parents and father leaving when I was 3. Always cried every time they left, maybe afraid I'd lose them forever? I was extremely sensitive, with no siblings, I isolated in my own world I guess. Pretty sick memories in my head from the time I with my mom and step dad (don't really wanna mention them). I was 5 and I remember him going berserk one day, beating my mother and somehow pushing me down a steep flight of stairs. He didn't mean to (didn't think this would hurt but it does). I spent some time in leg braces. Im not sure why, memories are vague. I remember a kid making fun of how I walk. I still get flashbacks of the dumb kid. I know it sounds stupid but it screwed me up (embarrassing fear of walking in public). Screw it! I might as well throw it all out there.
My mother kept leaving me places (she was working and going to school), kept taking her boyfriend's sides over mine. I detached from her. I acted out a lot. I would run away from camps and other places she sent me to. Cursing people out, no respect for elders. Calmed down after starting catholic school. I really tried to fit in but couldn't. Things happened in this time that really screwed me up.
Tried to validate myself in HS by joining gangs and acting out even more. That had its moments like, when members of the same gang didn't acknowledge my set and came after me. I had to leave my school. Too much running from my gang and other gangs in the area. I went to about 7 different HSchools. I think it was number 4 that really screwed me up. It was a boarding school called Laurinburg Institute in NC. The school was a sham. Living there was like being in a prison with no guards. Every time I called my mother and told her how it was, she didn't believe me (boy who cried wolf). So she wouldn't let me come home.
I had permanent gang scars that I tried to hide, cause when I got there, I was the youngest and most of the other kids were rival gang members. Couldn't run anywhere this time. The school was surrounded by 4 crazy projects and if you were from NY they'd shoot at you. I had really traumatic events out there. Got my first taste of panic. I was abused until I snapped. I tried to set the place on fire and threatened to kill a few of them. I started standing up for myself. They left me alone. I started to like it there. I was a full blown alcoholic. I cant even remember doing school work. I turned 15.
The start of the school year, a lot of new kids came in. The dorm leader couldn't control anyone. He would lock himself in his room and sniff coke. I only seen him come out when this poor kid was being stomped out in front of his door. At 3am, kids would run around the dorm kicking other kids' doors down. Some kids had guns. An older kid I looked up to committed murders out there like it was okay. Im gonna stop there with this part of my life.
I went home thinking, "Im a man now, I earned my respect". Instead, I couldn't go back to a regular HS because my panic attacks were debilitating. So I drank to self medicate. I ended up in treatment centers/schools for troubled youth. I learned how to solicit and abuse prescription drugs like ridalin and aderal. I will fast forward.
At 17 I was in really bad shape but someone thankfully brought me to AA, where I stood and got better. Had relapses here and there, but I later enlisted in the Marine Corps at age 20. A great decision, that really straightened me out. I was in the reserves so I still had a life over here to tend to. Had some ups and downs but at 22 started a promotional gig in times square. The mass interactions with so many different people help me tremendously. I came to love humanity. I felt I had found myself. Finally!
Then I deployed to Iraq.
You can read that part of my story in the combat forum. But in a nutshell, I came home worst than ever. Haven't been able to find myself since. I wish I could go back to the war, but I got into trouble when I came home and was other than honorably discharged. I really hate myself sometimes. I think part of me subconsciously wants to die.. always! I feel I am an extremely sick person. If I don't fix me.. Im dead.
I remember getting a lot of auditory flashbacks and people yelling and screaming in my head from all angles at age 16. That was some REALLY scary shit. Now I get mostly emotional flashbacks from the war.
Ive had nightmares all my life. Ive grown used to them. I could be Stephen Kings lost relative or something.
I became so apathetic because of the war. Always under constant stress and anxiety. Im a ticking time bomb. I can play it off like Im keeping my cool for a very limited amount of time until I go into another episode (rage attack, isolation, panic, depression etc).
I love making my music. When I immerse myself in it, there's not much room for negative and intrusive thoughts. It's the only thing that doesn't seem to be completely affected by my apathy (It does happen once in while).
Im sorry I wrote so much. I feel a lot of relief since finding this forum last night. I think its helping to write/type this stuff out. A couple of you already reached out to me and I'm really grateful for that.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
