TawkyTawny
New Here
I'm new to this group, and I am just learning about PTSD. I occasionally have these attacks, and I just had one.
I took the train from Brooklyn into Manhattan. As soon as I got to the train station, I started getting irritable. People are walking slow in front of me. There are women with strollers standing in front of the turnstiles, just idling, and it makes me furious. Then I descend to the platform and there are more people there then at rush hour during the week. Why is this? There should be more trains. Then I start thinking about the MTA and the mayor, etc.
Those are probably somewhat common reactions to a situation like. I start getting more and more intense. My head is just going on and on in all sorts of negative trips, revenge fantasies. I get to the city, to Penn Station. By this point I am just a mess. The crowds are freaking me out. I go and do my business, then I decide I want a burrito, I look up some places on Yelp and I can't find anything or the place is a dive that doesn't serve the burritos that I like. And there are just so many beautiful women everywhere. It's making my head spin. I haven't been in a relationship in a year, and that was a three month nightmare with a woman with BPD that ended with her having me arrested on false charges.
This is how I felt in the city: I could not stop moving. When I couldn't cross the street due to traffic I would bug out. I was somewhat disoriented, I knew where I was but I was afraid that I might get hit by a car. I guess I was dissociating, sort of experiencing these micro-episodes where I would just be so in my head that I would momentarily lose track of my surroundings.
I just had to get out of the city. I get to Union Square. I start singling people out on the street that I have to get away from. I see this one guy moping along and I start to run, so I can get to the stairs before him because the thought of having to share the staircase with him, or even worse, having to be stuck behind him as he trudges along. Then I get to the platform, and it is packed. Packed full of beautiful women and their dates and of course I am alone as always. I can't stand still on the platform, and I'm walking back in forth, I just want to explode, and I'm scared because that's a narrow platform. I'm starting to get aggressive when my way is blocked.
I get on the train after an excruciating ten minutes. It started to get super-intense. There were no seats, and I'm just going berserk in my head. I'm thinking about it now and kind of laughing to myself, but it was torture at the time. All of a sudden I hear this way too loud cheap synth rhythm track and then this oddly dressed man starts playing "Puttin' on the Ritz" on the trumpet and I wanted to collapse. He got on at Canal St, which meant he would be in our car for the entire ride over the bridge. I needed to sit. There were several delays and then we finally stopped at DeKalb St. I see a sit free up,and I rush to sit, but this old woman with bags steals it. My heart was going to explode. I accepted defeat, then the frigging guy gets on the PA and says that there are delays and we apologize and we appreciate your cooperation and my reaction, which is the reaction I always have is thinking, "How dare you. We have no choice but to cooperate. ^8$%#$" I start thinking about how everything is a lie, just everything. All information that was presented before me for processing during that whole city trek was BS nonsense gibberish.
I learned about Edward Bernays a few months ago, and that information has really given me a serious thought virus. He was Freud's nephew he used Freud's ideas on the human mind to basically create the modern consumer class. He saw how the Nazis were able to use propaganda to during wartime to get everyone to fight, and he figured that he could do that over here to control people's desires so that they would not want to fight. The implications of this, to me, are overwhelming. I don't want to get into why, it would take another thread, but it has me incredibly terrified of advertising, as it is unavoidable and whether you like it or not, it is influencing your decisions and desires. It's not paranoia if it is really happening. I'm digressing if you want to know more google him or the video doc The Century of the Self.
I had to get the hell off the train. I've never felt that way before. I storm off. As soon as I get off, the doors close. I punch the train hard as it is pulling away. I have to walk anyway, get out on the street and walk for a bit. I carry a pedometer and I try to get 10K steps a day. I start to chill out as soon as I hit the open air and there's a lot more space, no crowds. However, I am obsessing over how I want to exact terrible vengeance on my aunt. That's for another thread, but those are the worst, most terrible thoughts of all. I hate them.
I get back on the train at the next station and ride it home, it was not fun. I started to unwind as soon as I got off the train. I had an intense craving for a coca-cola. I only drink Coke when I am in one of these states. I get really thirsty for sugar water. It's probably a dopamine thing but it helps. I bought a Coke, and two bottles of fruit punch. I was craving.
I'm feeling lucid presently, I've been home for about an hour or so.
I am on medication, I have a new psych who is adjusting my dosages, he just added Lamictal to counter the Wellbutrin and Ritalin that I am taking. I've taken it before, and it was working quite well all week, but it failed me today.
Learning about PTSD, I'm starting to think maybe these medications are kind of not prescribed correctly. ADD is genetic, PTSD is a response to trauma. The medicine doesn't work when there are triggers.
I often have these attacks when in crowd like that. Especially when there are a lot of attractive people and I feel disgusting. I really loathe my self image. I am 38 years old and I've just recently come to the conclusion that my feelings of unattractiveness are completely irrational, yet I still feel them. I go into the city every day for work and I don't have these attacks, not in the morning at least, but in the evening when I go home, sometimes I just want to throw people down the escalator. This drives me up a tree - there are two lanes on the escalator. one for standing and one for moving. There's often some oblivious idiot blocking the path. What the &$(W* are these people thinking? It sends me into a fury. It's even worse in whole foods. I hate myself. when i'm in public like that, i think about how abnormal and alone i am and how I don't know how my life will ever get better, because I don't know how to change my behaviors. I don't know how to stop avoiding people.
Any thoughts?
I took the train from Brooklyn into Manhattan. As soon as I got to the train station, I started getting irritable. People are walking slow in front of me. There are women with strollers standing in front of the turnstiles, just idling, and it makes me furious. Then I descend to the platform and there are more people there then at rush hour during the week. Why is this? There should be more trains. Then I start thinking about the MTA and the mayor, etc.
Those are probably somewhat common reactions to a situation like. I start getting more and more intense. My head is just going on and on in all sorts of negative trips, revenge fantasies. I get to the city, to Penn Station. By this point I am just a mess. The crowds are freaking me out. I go and do my business, then I decide I want a burrito, I look up some places on Yelp and I can't find anything or the place is a dive that doesn't serve the burritos that I like. And there are just so many beautiful women everywhere. It's making my head spin. I haven't been in a relationship in a year, and that was a three month nightmare with a woman with BPD that ended with her having me arrested on false charges.
This is how I felt in the city: I could not stop moving. When I couldn't cross the street due to traffic I would bug out. I was somewhat disoriented, I knew where I was but I was afraid that I might get hit by a car. I guess I was dissociating, sort of experiencing these micro-episodes where I would just be so in my head that I would momentarily lose track of my surroundings.
I just had to get out of the city. I get to Union Square. I start singling people out on the street that I have to get away from. I see this one guy moping along and I start to run, so I can get to the stairs before him because the thought of having to share the staircase with him, or even worse, having to be stuck behind him as he trudges along. Then I get to the platform, and it is packed. Packed full of beautiful women and their dates and of course I am alone as always. I can't stand still on the platform, and I'm walking back in forth, I just want to explode, and I'm scared because that's a narrow platform. I'm starting to get aggressive when my way is blocked.
I get on the train after an excruciating ten minutes. It started to get super-intense. There were no seats, and I'm just going berserk in my head. I'm thinking about it now and kind of laughing to myself, but it was torture at the time. All of a sudden I hear this way too loud cheap synth rhythm track and then this oddly dressed man starts playing "Puttin' on the Ritz" on the trumpet and I wanted to collapse. He got on at Canal St, which meant he would be in our car for the entire ride over the bridge. I needed to sit. There were several delays and then we finally stopped at DeKalb St. I see a sit free up,and I rush to sit, but this old woman with bags steals it. My heart was going to explode. I accepted defeat, then the frigging guy gets on the PA and says that there are delays and we apologize and we appreciate your cooperation and my reaction, which is the reaction I always have is thinking, "How dare you. We have no choice but to cooperate. ^8$%#$" I start thinking about how everything is a lie, just everything. All information that was presented before me for processing during that whole city trek was BS nonsense gibberish.
I learned about Edward Bernays a few months ago, and that information has really given me a serious thought virus. He was Freud's nephew he used Freud's ideas on the human mind to basically create the modern consumer class. He saw how the Nazis were able to use propaganda to during wartime to get everyone to fight, and he figured that he could do that over here to control people's desires so that they would not want to fight. The implications of this, to me, are overwhelming. I don't want to get into why, it would take another thread, but it has me incredibly terrified of advertising, as it is unavoidable and whether you like it or not, it is influencing your decisions and desires. It's not paranoia if it is really happening. I'm digressing if you want to know more google him or the video doc The Century of the Self.
I had to get the hell off the train. I've never felt that way before. I storm off. As soon as I get off, the doors close. I punch the train hard as it is pulling away. I have to walk anyway, get out on the street and walk for a bit. I carry a pedometer and I try to get 10K steps a day. I start to chill out as soon as I hit the open air and there's a lot more space, no crowds. However, I am obsessing over how I want to exact terrible vengeance on my aunt. That's for another thread, but those are the worst, most terrible thoughts of all. I hate them.
I get back on the train at the next station and ride it home, it was not fun. I started to unwind as soon as I got off the train. I had an intense craving for a coca-cola. I only drink Coke when I am in one of these states. I get really thirsty for sugar water. It's probably a dopamine thing but it helps. I bought a Coke, and two bottles of fruit punch. I was craving.
I'm feeling lucid presently, I've been home for about an hour or so.
I am on medication, I have a new psych who is adjusting my dosages, he just added Lamictal to counter the Wellbutrin and Ritalin that I am taking. I've taken it before, and it was working quite well all week, but it failed me today.
Learning about PTSD, I'm starting to think maybe these medications are kind of not prescribed correctly. ADD is genetic, PTSD is a response to trauma. The medicine doesn't work when there are triggers.
I often have these attacks when in crowd like that. Especially when there are a lot of attractive people and I feel disgusting. I really loathe my self image. I am 38 years old and I've just recently come to the conclusion that my feelings of unattractiveness are completely irrational, yet I still feel them. I go into the city every day for work and I don't have these attacks, not in the morning at least, but in the evening when I go home, sometimes I just want to throw people down the escalator. This drives me up a tree - there are two lanes on the escalator. one for standing and one for moving. There's often some oblivious idiot blocking the path. What the &$(W* are these people thinking? It sends me into a fury. It's even worse in whole foods. I hate myself. when i'm in public like that, i think about how abnormal and alone i am and how I don't know how my life will ever get better, because I don't know how to change my behaviors. I don't know how to stop avoiding people.
Any thoughts?
