Just Have To Love Supportive Family

[sidekick]

My mother is not speaking to me at this time and hasn't since the beginning of September when I notified her of what happened to my Daughter and she didn't respond back to me. A few days later she called and left a voice mail on my Daughters birthday and made no comment about what was going on. She also sent an email, general chit chat, made no comment about what was going on.

I now know that this triggered me severely. I sent her somewhat of a nasty email and brought out some old burried anger about her not being there to protect me when I was little and being sexually abused (thought I was over that).

I was angry that she showed no concern for her granddaughter or daughter. Her response made no sense and I know I flipped out on her and we went back and forth for a few emails. I reminded her of the abuse she dished out on us kds that she has no memory of. I reminded her of my brother raping my brothers and sisters and asked if she knew about it or if she was in denial of that also. And you get the drift.

This all going on triggrered my newest set of flashbacks where I am beginning to believe my father also molested me. I am not 100% sure but my gut is saying yes. My sister has always said he did to her and I always said she was foolish and making stuff up. I am the oldest. I threw this in my mothers face in the last letter I emailed her and asked if she knew about this also since she worked nights most of our lives. Her response, I never worked nights and you are a piece of work and I have not heard back.

I have written to her once, telling her that I will not apologize for what I said because I spoke the truth. I will apologize for how I said some things. That I know I needed to work on some anger issues since I was raised to not show any emotions what so ever, especially anger. That I had every right to be feeling the feelings I was feelings and to give me that at least.

I needed some info on a place we visited when we were up there last year visiting to finish a scrapbook page. I kept it simple and free of emotions and to the point. No answers.

I hear nothing at all. I get this email today called Attitude: Real cute

It shows a bunch of pictures of a little handicapped boy with no legs and a bunch of prostetic (spelling) legs near him. The caption above the picture reads:

Your attitude towards life defines not only who you are, but the quality of life you are after.

Then it shows him doing all kinds of amazing things. At the bottom of the last picture it has this saying:


Whatever it is that has been bugging you, doesn't seem so bad anymore, does it? If only we all could have the spirit that this little boy has!

And to make matters worse, I noticed that she forwarded this to my father. They divorced in 1988 and have only spoken a handful of times. She HATES his guts with a passion and has made no secret about it to any of us kids. He just got out of prison and she is now chatting with him? She is happily married. Is he going to lie some more to her and she continue to by his stories?

I am fuming. She has always told me I needed to get over my past and moved on. That obviously therapy wasn't doing me any good and to just let it rest.

She was sexually abused also and lived with parents who drank and her mother was hospitalized a few times. I know there is more than she probably did share. One of her brothers (the one that lived with us twice and I have no memories of him) is a known pedophile (sp?) and tortured his brothers.

She was horribly abusive to us kids and my father and I know is suffering from severe PTSD herself and possible other issues.

She is a nurse and took physc. classes.............and she still tells all her kids to get over it and she tells me that she has dealt with her issues.

She is angry that I have brought this back up and that I got mad at her.

I am furious that she sent this email to me as I feel that it is a huge slap in the face to me. Yet once again, I am being made to feel like I am the ****ed up one for not being able to move past this shit and that everyone else in the family is normal (which, they are not, they all drink/do drugs/jail). I just want to scream!!! :wall: :crazy: :dontknow: :stupid: :poke:

But for now these smiley's will help me vent some of those feelings I have towards her. I know it is an unhealthy relationship and that is why I moved across country in 04. To get away from my family and to get my children away from their abusive fathers.

Vent over...Thanks to those that took the time to read...

 

[CCurry]

Thanks for venting, hope that helped a little bit. I can relate to the non support. My mother wanted me to get over my brother molesting me for years, couldn't understand why I was still having a problem with it.

Too bad you couldn't choose your parents because I would have traded in years ago!!

 

[sidekick]

Thanks CCurry. I get frustrated sometimes because I keep hoping/expecting her to one day just say what I want to hear and get it.....since she went through it herself I think how can she NOT get it?

I always have thought of her as the good mom and then the monster mom..It's how I was able to survive being around her. The loving nice mom who did fun loving mom things with us kids. Then the mom who became a monster in a matter of a second. It wasnt my mom, but a monster took over....

 

[goingonhope]

sidekick, I did read all of what you shared, and I'll tell you I'm convinced that all of mankind is capable of anything. And, this excludes no one, IMO. It's not that we do it, or we'd necessarily do it, but I'm convinced that under the right set of stressors and circumstances so many, many, many people will and do choose hateful acts of cruelty when there is always yet another response that being gentle acts of love and kindness. (I know gentle acts of love and kindness likely sounds silly, but it's great, .......and healing.)

I'm sorry sidekick about your Mom's lack of support!

I too have a doozy for (or called) a mom, as well. If I'm a pillar of strength, I'm now useful; not always though my strengths use to threaten her, and I mean just having them. But now, she has and would love to make full use of me again, but in a different sort of a way.

And, I gave her more years of me because I thought it was the right, good thing to do and underestimated the power of her 'mental illness in denial' and her weak spirit, or perhaps overestimated my strength; Yet, all at an enormous price.

I'm not very strong as of late due to something traumatic, and so she has no use for me.

One day she's the woman I've struggled yet also enjoyed thinking I'm getting to know these last several years and the next day (just recently) she lays into me with her COMPLETE BS, negativity and trickery for the first time in years; (Complete) is the keyword here. (She selected the wrong time to do this! And, I mean the wrong time, though knowing her she thinks it's probably exactly the right time.) You can tell I don't trust her anymore again.

I was maybe 2 wks out of something very traumatic and she's herself one day and turns on me the next when I ask for the simplest of help from her.

This isn't so for all Mom's. Mom's are Great! But this (bio-related-woman-to-me) is history, she's taken far too many pieces of me and always at opportune times, ......when I am already desperate and terribly frightened;

Omg, recently it was like her attempting to pry off my fingers and hands as I was hanging from a cliff asking for a little support. I much more easily could've taken a simple No for an answer, but certainly that wouldn't have accomplished her full task at hand.

This woman (bio-lady-mom) went through a very similar experience as I did many years ago, she gets it, she just can't and won't handle the reality of it; She most likely has Ptsd herself, but the difference is she oblivious. She's full, and I mean full of fear and it's not her fault, but she will need to be held accountable, as I cannot knowingly allow myself to be anyones target, anymore.

I don't know what good this is, outside of some identification with you sidekick.


What you may need to do IMO, is look outside, away from your mother for the support you need. It's a terribly hard pill to swallow, and of course it's your choose.

Sidekick, is your mother's stuff all patterned, predictable behavior for her? Has she ever sought and/or found help for herself?

 

[sidekick]

Goingonhope: My mothers stuff is very patterned. Well worded question an a very soul searching one also. She says she is a private person and has gone to therapy and gotton past her "issues". Her life/actions/comments says otherwise. She is an alcoholic (sp?) and is completely blind to the fact that the three kids (well not kids, they are adults) that live near her are all druggies and drunks. The only way any of them can be near her is if they go out and smoke a joint and drink when over there. The boys have spent most of their adult lives in jail and she continues to walk around her little world like there is nothing wrong. Her youngest child, my sister has a husband who strangles her on a regular basis in front of her two little children. My mother is aware of this and she says they have such a happy little family and that my sister is such a good mommy. I could go on and on.

She displays many ptsd symptoms. She is so paranoid its not even funny. Even living across the country she still acuses us of talking about her...of course there are times that my sister and I have of recent...She is extremely jumpy and she has a trigger hair temper. My sister was telling me that when she was back home for a visit last year they were in a restraunt, there was a little child behind them (a glass booth/wall) pounding/tapping on the wall/glass and my mother snapped and jumped up and threatened to beat the shit out of the kid if she didn't stop it that second.

I know the look my mother has and my sister said she grabbed her purse, took my mothers hand and tried to get her to leave and she left the place. Just thinking of my mothers "look" turns me to jello.

No I do not think she got help, she is in denial of all the abuse she did to use kids. She may have talked to someone about what happened to her as a child but since she denies ever laying a hand on us, never mind an object and says all us kids are out to get her and made all these horrible stories up, then I say no, she has not dealt with her issues.

In the past I have on a few occasions gone up to 2-3 years without speaking to her and keeping my children away from her and my siblings. Setting my boundries. It seems I need to do that again for my mental health. Even seeing her the one time a year was causing so much anxiety and stress to me, having to pretend all was perfect and so on, just as we were kids. I can't do it anymore.

That email she sent me just proved that I need to move on and stop seeking support from her. I will never get what I need from her. I am thankful I have a few other people and my husband who has begun to visit this site and learn about PTSD and go to therapy himself.

This site has been a lifesaver also. I truly thought I was going crazy.