Just Need To Vent

[crazy_beautiful]

I'm scared, I wont say it out loud but I'm scared. I'm scared to let someone in let someone love me. I question if I'm ever going to be able to. More then half of the men I date are not the best they don't treat me right I know that. I know that and yet I date them anyway's because I don't believe I deserve anything better. I get into relationship that revolve around sex and then I end up feeling like a toy which for a long time was comforting. I was physically abused molested and used for child pornography until I was almost six years old and to those men I was nothing but a toy.

I don't know how to handle someone treating me right and respecting me I know how to handle feeling like a toy but letting someone in and letting someone love me now that's scary. I want to be in a good relationship and find a good guy but that means being vulnerable and I don't want to be vulnerable cause then I feel weak. Weak, I Hate that world I hate not being in control maybe its because as a kid I wasn't or maybe there's just something wrong with me. Most days I just feel like something's wrong with me, like I was meant to just be this. That's what its felt like a lot lately and it hurts. It hurts to think that I'm just the wrong unlovable me. I don't know where this is going all I know right now is that this has been on my mind. Am I capable of letting someone love me and loving someone else? Is there going to be someone who listens to what happened and respects it? Is this fear going to control me forever or better yet am I going to let it?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Crazy_Beautiful,

Recognizing what you are afraid of, is a great step first step in addressing the issue. The questions you posed are the ones that you will have to search find the answers to. In finding the answers to those questions, you will discover much about yourself and what YOU want in terms of a relationship. Being healthy makes for healthy relationships.

Wishing you the best in your search for answers.

Deb

 

[Philippa]

Yes, this is progress, even if it feels painful. To be able to identify the problem is halfway towards finding the solution. It's very brave of you to admit it to yourself, and to look at those limiting beliefs that have held you back.

I've come to recognize that my self-worth has fallen to this level also of late. Judging by the last person I had a friends with benefits sex thing going with, I can relate to feeling like a toy, and it is even harder to admit to myself as I have always had very strong feminist feelings of not allowing men to use me this way...but it's funny how things can change when your self-worth is on zero.

Have you explored any modalities whereby you can release old and outworn limiting beliefs such as this one? It's great that you are delving into this with self-inquiry btw.