General Just Sharing

[georgie1668]

Hi

Haven't been on this for a while as things have settled with my man. I just wanted to let those of you who are new to the forum and those who may be in new relationships with a PTSD sufferer, that things do improve. But it takes a lot of understanding and pain for both parties before that occurs. I am of course going on my own experience and am not trying to generalise here.

But I wanted to give some hope. I met my man in January and he told me straight away that he suffers from PTSD. I however had no clue of the implications of that and have had to go through several shutdowns where I really lacked the understanding to cope with them. We eventually 'split up' although I didn't want to, just felt it was too hard to go on an emotional rollercoaster. After deciding to continue to see each other, I have realised that in order for me to maintain my own sanity and allow him to cope with his illness, I have needed to pull away and allow him some breathing space, particularly when he has shutdowns. It has taken me at least six months to gain a true understanding of the illness through experience, this forum and reading I have done. I admire him so much for his ability to get through the tough times and keep on going.

He tends to have difficulty in expressing his emotions to me, but I know that he loves me in his actions and that is enough for me. It has, I believe taken a long time for him to realise that I don't expect a 'conventional' relationship from him, and that he gives me so much delight and happiness. In the last couple of months, he has referred to me as his 'partner' which was not the case previously. I think this has come about through building his trust, letting him know that I have my own support network, giving him space when he needs it and loving him. We do not live together and we both have our own lives, which I think is necessary for both of us.

Some time ago, I asked him to let me know when he was entering a black spot and this has really helped me cope. Of course, it is immensely difficult to back off as I worry about him, but I cope by sending the odd message of support, prayer and talking to my closest friends. I am also lucky enough to have some friends who suffer from PTSD - so it has been really enlightening to talk to them.

I just think it is important for carers to remember that their partners have had this illness imposed on them through horrific experiences in their lives. i think it is very hard for them to express how the illness manifests itself and that is what I have had to grapple with. Yes, sufferers need their space but yes they also need to know you are there for them - can be kind of a balancing act but it takes time and human errors to get to the place I am in now. It may never be easy but it is worth it. My man is the most kind, warmhearted, funny and intelligent person, he is also damaged. Acceptance and working around this is the key, for me anyway.

Thanks for reading. part of the reason for my typing this is that my man is experiencing a major shutdown at the moment and is suicidal. Writing this helps me and hopefully will help you cope.

You don't stop loving someone when times are bad. That is what I firmly believe.

Take care

 

[desperate]

I'm glad things are getting better for you. And good for you, for continuing to stick with it even when it seems like all hope is gone.

 

[0305]

Things do get better, just be prepared for the not so good days. I've been working on being there, and trying not to take it personal. I'm sure that is not easy, it's like being on call your supposed to be there for when it's ok to. I love my wife ,and when she is down so am I, sometimes it hard to be strong. Sometimes I think we get ptsd from there ptsd, we never know when or how it will hit. Just know that we love you guys and if you weren't you we wouldn't be ourself. love you ,you know who you are.

 

[dutchieinPA]

Hi


I just think it is important for carers to remember that their partners have had this illness imposed on them through horrific experiences in their lives. i think it is very hard for them to express how the illness manifests itself and that is what I have had to grapple with.

Wow that is a really profound statement. Thanks for sharing!

 

[ISupportHer]

Thanks georgie1668. It is good to hear some hope and of someone who feels things are better.

0305, Man, I am right there with you! When things are OK with her, I am fine. When she is not, I revert to anxiety, hypervigilence for that first time she will act to hurt herself, etc. I do have to say that I do feel, with a few years experience at this, I have learned a lot. I still get really down at times, but not quite as bad, as long, etc. I hope you experience that too. I mean, it will always be there, right? But WE need to be responsible for our own responses and actions. Apply what we learn here and other resources. Of course, I can say that as I am in an even state of mind right now. :smile:

 

[Some1sAngel]

Thankyou for your post. It brings a smile to my face just to know that things can get better. It's been months and months since my sufferer has been dealing with his PTSD and I've stuck by his side. Although it has taken alot of understanding on my part and knowing when to let him be, I have hope that things will get better and we will be able to become much closer than we are now.

 

[georgie1668]

Hi everyone

Thank you for your comments. I am glad that this forum exists so that we can all provide a support to each other.

Update: heard from my man after a five day period of silence - he is in hospital which is such a relief to me as he needs the support/intervention - it has been a very difficult five days - but I think my understanding of his situation and my ability to pull back when he needs space will help him to heal - at least I hope it will.

It is very hard to sit on the sidelines when you know someone you love is suffering - but I guess we have to remember that is what they need at the time of shutdown - that it is quite a distinctive characteristic of PTSD - anyways take care of yourselves and remember that someone somewhere is going through a similar situation.

I still stand by what I said - love is unconditional.

 

[godhelpusoneandall]

Oh my goodness, Georgie. Five days. I have been through that with my man, but not for a long time. Since we have been back together this time he hasn't disappeared without telling me, but I remember those days of calling every hospital in town and the police departments. Just so awful thinking about him maybe hurt or dead.

Now, he is good about keeping in touch, but if then length of times when I don't hear from him starts to stretch beyond the time frame he ususally calls, I start to panic...sort of a memory panic, if you know what I mean.

Have the rest of you carers noticed that your sufferers no longer have the ability to express affection?

Kat

 

[Pam]

I have been with my C for five years. At least 4 times, when he shuts himself away and will see no one, I have worried myself to distraction that this time he will put a gun to his head. Over the course of those experiences I have found that the only thing I can do is also back away, just as Georgie posted. I have found that noise, voices, and friends around me do not work. I need quiet and something that helps me focus. So I read, go fishing, or sew. In the summer, I fish. When the weather is bad I read or sew. I think maybe I do these things because that is what I would do if C were here with me and needed quiet surroundings in order to get through the episode of depression.

 

[godhelpusoneandall]

Yes, your right, finding something to focus on helps and when I start to feel panicky, I just, as odd and old school as it may sound, just hand it over to God, and tell him, I can't deal with it, so he needs to hold onto the worry for me. Seems to help quite a lot.

I doubt that my sufferer and I will ever live together again and that makes me a little sad, but it is just the way it is. He needs to be alone alot of the time. Actually, I am so used to it that I think a "conventional" relationship where I had to be with someone for many hours of the day would drive me bonkers! Can anyone identify? LOL Kat

 

[georgie1668]

GodhelpusOneandAll

I can really identify with your post in the sense that we don't live together either. And I could never imagine doing so - he needs a lot of space and for myself having come out of a long-term relationship before meeting him, I guess I do too. Nothing wrong with unconventional relationships anyway - I really don't like when people make assumptions - and you probably get this all the time "Why don't you live together? blah, blah, blah or in my case What happens if you do want to live together? Well I am 41 with young kids and a life of my own. I choose to be with my man, because I love him - no other reason.

Incidentally, my man has always found it hard to show emotions but he has been honest about it from day one - saying he found it hard to know what love is, let alone express it - for someone like myself who is a highly emotional person, this was very difficult to understand at first, but with time and knowledge, I understand where he is coming from. of course I wish he could be more demonstrative but he does what he can - we hold hands, lots of hugs, etc I am talking more about verbal demonstrations here. But I think a lack of affection can be dfficult if you are not secure in the relationship.

Right now, while I sit at home and he is in hospital, it is very hard to manage. I tell myself I am okay, but I miss him terribly - even though we don't live together. Just texts etc. I don't know what the future holds for us - what i do know is despite what well-meaning friends and family think, they will never understand unless they experience a similar situation.

I spoke to someone recently who relayed some information she had heard in a course she was attending to do with Mental Health. That was that PTSD is considered to be on a par with Paraplegia - and that really struck a chord with me. For in the same way that someone who is paraplegic knows they have legs but can't feel them, someone with PTSD knows they have feelings but can't feel them/recognise them. Just added to my understanding.

Take care.

 

[Lola]

Actually, I am so used to it that I think a "conventional" relationship where I had to be with someone for many hours of the day would drive me bonkers! Can anyone identify? LOL Kat

Yes I can identify with your statement. After dating for 3 years, my bf and I actually did try living together for about a year. I found it difficult to be living fulltime with the effects of his PTSD. I think I needed the space more than he did! We bought a place in the country where he stays, while I continue to work in the city. We see each other every weekend and sometimes I visit during the week (it's only an hour drive away). We're both kinda unconventional, so why would we have to fit into someone else's definition of what a relationship should be?:occasion: