I have a severe complex ptsd problem. I was removed from my first home at the age of two and put into a children’s home. After a lengthy court case I was returned to my parents for another ten months. Finally I was removed from them for severe child abuse which was both physical and sexual. Just before my fourth birthday I was adopted by a family who previously took me out on weekends and, by the time the adoption process had gone through, had had another child and was not prepared for me - by then a damaged child.
I lived with severe punishments which I took to be the norm not having known any better. I used to wet my bed all the time and had to sleep on a mat on the floor and my nose got rubbed into the wet sheet like the puppies of the dogs my parents were breeding. I was burned in a bath of boiling hot water when I was six because I couldn’t turn on the cold tap of the bath and my parents were angry that I hadn’t bathed yet and I needed to get ready for school… These are just a few of the things that were normal to me.
There were a few attempts in my preteen years to have sex with me by different people.
Then, when I became a teenager, my dad made me his sex slave on an ongoing basis. He threatened that if I ever said anything to anyone I would be responsible for the break up of the family and for hurting my mother etc etc (the usual).
I had to watch porn movies and listen to audio sex stories and then play out the porn star role for him - at every opportunity he desired.
In between all this the guys at school were hitting on me and I learned to hate men in the extreme because nobody ever saw "me", they only seemed to see what men wanted.
My revulsion and hatred for my dad grew to such an extent that I wished he were dead or that someone would somehow kill me.
In the background was my mother with her: "You WILL obey your father and you WILL honour him!" Yeah right.
She never believed me when I tried to tell her what was going on.
The fighting and hatred between the family and me was unbearable.
I learned how to "be someone else", play different roles and to survive.
My brother would reinforce that I was the only "bastard" in the house and I could not argue that fact. I have never felt that I belong or fit in anywhere.
I left home to start work at 16. I did not do my A Levels and they still rip me off for being so stupid for not having "listened" to them, for being rebellious and tell me that I made my bed and I should lie in it. But I have never cared about that because only I know that I HAD to escape from them.
When I was 19 I was raped and the ensuing saga between my parents and I was just too awful for words. My dad told me that I was a prostitute and that I would never make anything of my life.
I contracted some Std (which took years to cure and a lot more humiliation).
I then became suicidal. My mother said I was doing it for attention but when the episodes happened, I could not feel anything and was like a walking corpse. I could see myself and others but I was so far removed and detached that I didn't even realise that it was me I was watching at times.
For some reason, every time I tried, someone would come around or something strange would happen that would sort of bring me back to myself and it would end for a short while.
I have always had commitment/relationship problems. My first marriage ended with a violent husband leaving me, after seven years of hell with him, for another woman which, in retrospect, is the best thing he could have done for I am sure he would have killed me some day.
I have also been attacked in a mugging, lived childhood during a war and have been in several car accidents and burgled a few times (amongst other things). My daughter has also left to live with her father which is probably a result of how I am. That hurt a lot.
My son still loves me and tries to understand - and he is someone I treasure above all else. He really was sent to me as a precious gift!
I have a lovely husband who started off being supportive once he understood what the problem was but I think his frustration and anger at me are getting too much for him now. I really don't want to lose this man. He is special to me.
I studied and did post graduate courses and made a success of life for the children and myself and have learned that you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to!
In my work I excelled, knew what I was doing and had no problems until I got married. But now, in my home life - it’s a different story. I do freelance work as I never know what frame of mind I will be in from one day to the next, but it also gives me more flexibility with myself and my family which helps.
I have no trust to speak of in anyone, a very poor self image, no confidence and I'm always afraid that my husband will have an affair or fantasizes about other women or that he will use me for other fantasies that he may have and not love me for who I may possibly be.
I have a number of triggers, from violent triggers, to things that make me feel really sad (like when people hurt children/animals) to those that spark off a deadly rage and deep anguish. This is the unusual one: If my husband so much as looks at another woman who may or may not be partially clothed I lose the plot completely, he reacts and I feel hurt, he gets frustrated and I zone out and go to a "safe" place where I don't feel anything at all. This can last for days to weeks. I know now that it stems from the abuser’s mindset and how he viewed women and that I project those thoughts on to my husband or other women, but it doesn’t change the fact that it happens and can’t be stopped!
I know he is frustrated and I feel really sad and bad because I am the cause of all the discord but as much as I try, I can't control its power over me.
The way I see certain things in life is also different which, until a year ago, I didn't realise.
All-in-all I try and stay positive and live each day as if it were the last and I believe that our life experiences help others. It’s not all bad and we appreciate the good things when they are there. There is always someone in a worse situation than us.
I am seeing a hypnotherapist and its slow going and his plan is to get me to a point where it is more manageable but he doesn't seem to think that in my case I can be cured. I accept that anything is better than the way I am and I will keep on trying.
There has been documented evidence of people with this strange trigger. (It’s most humiliating and very poorly understood by "normal" people).
Is there anyone who has a similar trigger????? I need to learn how to control it.....
I would appreciate any help in this area.
I lived with severe punishments which I took to be the norm not having known any better. I used to wet my bed all the time and had to sleep on a mat on the floor and my nose got rubbed into the wet sheet like the puppies of the dogs my parents were breeding. I was burned in a bath of boiling hot water when I was six because I couldn’t turn on the cold tap of the bath and my parents were angry that I hadn’t bathed yet and I needed to get ready for school… These are just a few of the things that were normal to me.
There were a few attempts in my preteen years to have sex with me by different people.
Then, when I became a teenager, my dad made me his sex slave on an ongoing basis. He threatened that if I ever said anything to anyone I would be responsible for the break up of the family and for hurting my mother etc etc (the usual).
I had to watch porn movies and listen to audio sex stories and then play out the porn star role for him - at every opportunity he desired.
In between all this the guys at school were hitting on me and I learned to hate men in the extreme because nobody ever saw "me", they only seemed to see what men wanted.
My revulsion and hatred for my dad grew to such an extent that I wished he were dead or that someone would somehow kill me.
In the background was my mother with her: "You WILL obey your father and you WILL honour him!" Yeah right.
She never believed me when I tried to tell her what was going on.
The fighting and hatred between the family and me was unbearable.
I learned how to "be someone else", play different roles and to survive.
My brother would reinforce that I was the only "bastard" in the house and I could not argue that fact. I have never felt that I belong or fit in anywhere.
I left home to start work at 16. I did not do my A Levels and they still rip me off for being so stupid for not having "listened" to them, for being rebellious and tell me that I made my bed and I should lie in it. But I have never cared about that because only I know that I HAD to escape from them.
When I was 19 I was raped and the ensuing saga between my parents and I was just too awful for words. My dad told me that I was a prostitute and that I would never make anything of my life.
I contracted some Std (which took years to cure and a lot more humiliation).
I then became suicidal. My mother said I was doing it for attention but when the episodes happened, I could not feel anything and was like a walking corpse. I could see myself and others but I was so far removed and detached that I didn't even realise that it was me I was watching at times.
For some reason, every time I tried, someone would come around or something strange would happen that would sort of bring me back to myself and it would end for a short while.
I have always had commitment/relationship problems. My first marriage ended with a violent husband leaving me, after seven years of hell with him, for another woman which, in retrospect, is the best thing he could have done for I am sure he would have killed me some day.
I have also been attacked in a mugging, lived childhood during a war and have been in several car accidents and burgled a few times (amongst other things). My daughter has also left to live with her father which is probably a result of how I am. That hurt a lot.
My son still loves me and tries to understand - and he is someone I treasure above all else. He really was sent to me as a precious gift!
I have a lovely husband who started off being supportive once he understood what the problem was but I think his frustration and anger at me are getting too much for him now. I really don't want to lose this man. He is special to me.
I studied and did post graduate courses and made a success of life for the children and myself and have learned that you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to!
In my work I excelled, knew what I was doing and had no problems until I got married. But now, in my home life - it’s a different story. I do freelance work as I never know what frame of mind I will be in from one day to the next, but it also gives me more flexibility with myself and my family which helps.
I have no trust to speak of in anyone, a very poor self image, no confidence and I'm always afraid that my husband will have an affair or fantasizes about other women or that he will use me for other fantasies that he may have and not love me for who I may possibly be.
I have a number of triggers, from violent triggers, to things that make me feel really sad (like when people hurt children/animals) to those that spark off a deadly rage and deep anguish. This is the unusual one: If my husband so much as looks at another woman who may or may not be partially clothed I lose the plot completely, he reacts and I feel hurt, he gets frustrated and I zone out and go to a "safe" place where I don't feel anything at all. This can last for days to weeks. I know now that it stems from the abuser’s mindset and how he viewed women and that I project those thoughts on to my husband or other women, but it doesn’t change the fact that it happens and can’t be stopped!
I know he is frustrated and I feel really sad and bad because I am the cause of all the discord but as much as I try, I can't control its power over me.
The way I see certain things in life is also different which, until a year ago, I didn't realise.
All-in-all I try and stay positive and live each day as if it were the last and I believe that our life experiences help others. It’s not all bad and we appreciate the good things when they are there. There is always someone in a worse situation than us.
I am seeing a hypnotherapist and its slow going and his plan is to get me to a point where it is more manageable but he doesn't seem to think that in my case I can be cured. I accept that anything is better than the way I am and I will keep on trying.
There has been documented evidence of people with this strange trigger. (It’s most humiliating and very poorly understood by "normal" people).
Is there anyone who has a similar trigger????? I need to learn how to control it.....
I would appreciate any help in this area.
