Hello, My name is Sam. I have been married 19 years to what I thought was the love of my life.
She is a beautiful lady who I had known since the 8th grade when I would walk her home everyday then race home to call her. She was not so keen on my advances and after a month of her mom telling me she wasn't home after just walking her home I finally got the hint.
She called me one night after seeing me out during a break home from college and we had been together every since.
She told me shortly after we started dating about how her step father was treating her but not everything. I encouraged her to get out of that house and she did, she moved in with her uncle and stayed there 6 months till I finished college and then moved in with me. During that time I realized that we were not really meant to be but once she moved in with me I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of her. So I tried to make the best of it. I tried really hard. We married, even after I tried to leave her. She found me and talked me back.
Shortly after we were married one night in bed she told me to stop because I was reminding her of her of her stepfather who abused her. I will never forget that. I was Still was in the dark about what all had happened to her because she would neve open up about it. She would never talk.
We wound up having a child, a beautiful lil girl who just turned 16. I tried my best to spoil my wife, give her what she needed and wanted, but never felt close to her.
Over the past 6 years while I tried to be the best husband I could be she contiuened to drift away from me. I could not hold her, kiss her, sex was out of reward than desire, then the mood swings started getting really bad. I begged her to get help last year. She did try counselling but only went once. Instead she got on meds for her moods. I was upset that she chose that route as I felt they only covered up the problem but was blown away with the results. We had our best Xmas ever then by New Years it was back worse than ever. She had stopped taking them. She went back on them, said she would not stop, then stopped again. I was at the end.
Then Mothers day was a complete meltdown. I had had enough. I forced her to come clean and be truthful with me. I could not handle the truth. We fought almost constantly, about everything but money, and it had wore me down. It was always my fault, no matter what the problem. She was so good at argueing. I lost everytime. I was so lonely, so lost, just wanted a friend. So when she told me what all the problem was with the abuse and how she looked at it, the flashbacks she had been having, the nightmares, the seeing her stepfather when we had sex instead of me I was so hurt and angry. How could she not tell me, her husband, who had always been there for her, changed for her, given her so much, given up so much for her. How could she not tell me, and how could she not try to fix it. I walked out.
Over the summer we tried counselling but I was too hurt and angry. I just wanted a friend. I wanted her to feel comfortable with me and to confide in me but she could not, would not. It wasn't all my fault all along but once she came clean and I chose to leave, well, then it was all my fault. She was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I almost think they should test her for multiple personalities as she has such extreme swings.
We are legally seperated now with only 42 days to go till the divorce can be final. She moved out, our daughter wanted to stay with me. I know that hurt her deeply. She moved on, started dating, which hurt but yet I knew it would not take long as she is needy. It hurt because I knew what she would go through with someone new as I had seen it so many times. She would leave me during sex, just get a look like she was not even there, and I never knew why, till this summer.
I tried to make it the best I could for her, always met her needs in hopes she would want it more only to learn I was making things worse for her. Well now after her dates she has decided she wants me back, that she misses us. I was so miserable with her, but yet feel so guilty for forcing her out, leaving her.
She sits alone in her house in the dark and just sleeps and cries. None of her dates asked her out for a second date because of all of her baggage according to her. I have a plan for my daughter and I. I am renovating a house inexchange for rent throught the end fo the school year so I only have to move her once during school then I have a verbal agreement to purchase another house once our sale is final on ours to redo for us to move into at the end of school.
She had moved on and so had we.
Then she calls and wants me back, comes and gives me her sad story and like an idiot I fall for it. Only to find out she was off her meds again. That is why that day was so hard for her. My daughter went balistic on me when I told her I was going to try again with her. She did not want me to.
I feel so guilty that she is struggling, and I do still care about her but in the time I have been away from her I have learned what I really want in a relationship, and it is something she has never given me, or even something that I feel like she is capable of. I will not settle for any less.
We have talked all weekend, I have bared my soul to her, and still I can barely get her to speak. I want to fix her, but I can't. She asked me to save her. I can't. I need more info on what I am dealing with, so that is why I am here.
I just wish we had some level of friendship prior to all this falling apart. It is so hard to build a friendship with so much bagage and hurt through the years. I just wanted to hold her and give her place of safety and refugee all along, make her feel wanted and loved. She says I did everything right, that I was a wonderful husband. If I was then how could I feel so lonely and lost, like a piece of crap. I just wanted a friend who wanted me as much as I wanted her and showed me, not told me, how much I loved her, like I did for her.
I have left out a lot but I think u might be able to get the idea of what I am dealing with.
Thanks for reading.
<Paragraph breaks inserted for ease of reading by Amethist>
She is a beautiful lady who I had known since the 8th grade when I would walk her home everyday then race home to call her. She was not so keen on my advances and after a month of her mom telling me she wasn't home after just walking her home I finally got the hint.
She called me one night after seeing me out during a break home from college and we had been together every since.
She told me shortly after we started dating about how her step father was treating her but not everything. I encouraged her to get out of that house and she did, she moved in with her uncle and stayed there 6 months till I finished college and then moved in with me. During that time I realized that we were not really meant to be but once she moved in with me I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of her. So I tried to make the best of it. I tried really hard. We married, even after I tried to leave her. She found me and talked me back.
Shortly after we were married one night in bed she told me to stop because I was reminding her of her of her stepfather who abused her. I will never forget that. I was Still was in the dark about what all had happened to her because she would neve open up about it. She would never talk.
We wound up having a child, a beautiful lil girl who just turned 16. I tried my best to spoil my wife, give her what she needed and wanted, but never felt close to her.
Over the past 6 years while I tried to be the best husband I could be she contiuened to drift away from me. I could not hold her, kiss her, sex was out of reward than desire, then the mood swings started getting really bad. I begged her to get help last year. She did try counselling but only went once. Instead she got on meds for her moods. I was upset that she chose that route as I felt they only covered up the problem but was blown away with the results. We had our best Xmas ever then by New Years it was back worse than ever. She had stopped taking them. She went back on them, said she would not stop, then stopped again. I was at the end.
Then Mothers day was a complete meltdown. I had had enough. I forced her to come clean and be truthful with me. I could not handle the truth. We fought almost constantly, about everything but money, and it had wore me down. It was always my fault, no matter what the problem. She was so good at argueing. I lost everytime. I was so lonely, so lost, just wanted a friend. So when she told me what all the problem was with the abuse and how she looked at it, the flashbacks she had been having, the nightmares, the seeing her stepfather when we had sex instead of me I was so hurt and angry. How could she not tell me, her husband, who had always been there for her, changed for her, given her so much, given up so much for her. How could she not tell me, and how could she not try to fix it. I walked out.
Over the summer we tried counselling but I was too hurt and angry. I just wanted a friend. I wanted her to feel comfortable with me and to confide in me but she could not, would not. It wasn't all my fault all along but once she came clean and I chose to leave, well, then it was all my fault. She was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I almost think they should test her for multiple personalities as she has such extreme swings.
We are legally seperated now with only 42 days to go till the divorce can be final. She moved out, our daughter wanted to stay with me. I know that hurt her deeply. She moved on, started dating, which hurt but yet I knew it would not take long as she is needy. It hurt because I knew what she would go through with someone new as I had seen it so many times. She would leave me during sex, just get a look like she was not even there, and I never knew why, till this summer.
I tried to make it the best I could for her, always met her needs in hopes she would want it more only to learn I was making things worse for her. Well now after her dates she has decided she wants me back, that she misses us. I was so miserable with her, but yet feel so guilty for forcing her out, leaving her.
She sits alone in her house in the dark and just sleeps and cries. None of her dates asked her out for a second date because of all of her baggage according to her. I have a plan for my daughter and I. I am renovating a house inexchange for rent throught the end fo the school year so I only have to move her once during school then I have a verbal agreement to purchase another house once our sale is final on ours to redo for us to move into at the end of school.
She had moved on and so had we.
Then she calls and wants me back, comes and gives me her sad story and like an idiot I fall for it. Only to find out she was off her meds again. That is why that day was so hard for her. My daughter went balistic on me when I told her I was going to try again with her. She did not want me to.
I feel so guilty that she is struggling, and I do still care about her but in the time I have been away from her I have learned what I really want in a relationship, and it is something she has never given me, or even something that I feel like she is capable of. I will not settle for any less.
We have talked all weekend, I have bared my soul to her, and still I can barely get her to speak. I want to fix her, but I can't. She asked me to save her. I can't. I need more info on what I am dealing with, so that is why I am here.
I just wish we had some level of friendship prior to all this falling apart. It is so hard to build a friendship with so much bagage and hurt through the years. I just wanted to hold her and give her place of safety and refugee all along, make her feel wanted and loved. She says I did everything right, that I was a wonderful husband. If I was then how could I feel so lonely and lost, like a piece of crap. I just wanted a friend who wanted me as much as I wanted her and showed me, not told me, how much I loved her, like I did for her.
I have left out a lot but I think u might be able to get the idea of what I am dealing with.
Thanks for reading.
<Paragraph breaks inserted for ease of reading by Amethist>
