Relationship Learning To Deal With My Boyfriend's Ptsd (hard Times)

[RiverEDGE]

Hi,
I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. He was in the Marine Corps and did a tour in Iraq before I met him. He was very open with me in the beginning about his PTSD, but I really didn't know much about it or it's symptoms and he seemed fine for a long time.

He began to open up about what he had seen and been through about a year and a half ago. I would just listen and deep down I was just happy that he felt like he could trust me enough to tell me those things. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for him going through that.

Everything was going great for a while (almost 2 years), but then "the change" happened. I had no idea what was going on and I must admit I dealt with it horribly. He wouldn't break up with me, but he just wasn't there. He was angry and everything I did seemed to annoy him. I thought that he was over the relationship and wanted to break-up without hurting me. So I did it for him and broke up with him. I never even thought of it being related to his PTSD (immature and self-centered of me to think it was me). It didn't last long though and we were back to normal. I just recently realized it was the PTSD I'm not sure if he even realized it. He isn't the best communicator.

Everything was good again for a long time until about a month ago. He took a trip to California to visit his buddies from the Marine Corps and came back a completely different person. This time it was different though because he just completely withdrew from me. My insecurity again made me think there was something wrong with me and that he didn't love me anymore, but instead of breaking up with him I just asked him what was going on. It took me awhile to finally get him to tell me. He tried to blame it on me getting upset with him the night before for ignoring me, but I wouldn't let him get off the hook that easily. That was a cop out. I basically said,
"No, this has been going on for two weeks now. Just tell me what is going on. I'd rather be hurt by the truth than happy with a lie."
I hated to be so stern, but otherwise he would have just ignored the problem and it would have gotten worse. Plus, it was driving me crazy not knowing what was going on. I told him that I deserve to know what is going on because it directly affects me, not just him. He finally said he just wanted to be friends again so I gave him his space. I knew it was coming, but I wanted him to say it instead of just ignoring that there was a problem. I guess it was kind of like behavior modification he had to at least communicate something before I would leave it alone. I've really been trying to stress to him lately that I'm not a mind reader and he has to tell me if he wants me to back off. He doesn't have to give me a long reason, but he can't just start ignoring me with no explanation. It doesn't work like that. I learned from our mutual friends that he wasn't just withdrawing from me, but them too. This is when I started putting together that it was the PTSD. This was about a week ago.

We were all really worried about him, but not sure what to do. This past weekend was also my birthday weekend and Memorial Day on Monday so I think it was like an emotional overload for him, but he's dealt with these holidays fine before so I'm not sure. I sent him a text Monday to thank him for his service like I always do on these kind of holiday and he text back Thanks. I gave him his space otherwise. He finally called me yesterday and asked me to come over. Since we were going to try to be friends I went over there and it wasn't as awkward as I was afraid it would be. We got to talking and he finally began to open up about what had happened. He had a good time seeing all his buddies in California, but it also brought up a lot of memories of what he had to do in Iraq and the friends he lost. I know that he had to do whatever it took to get home alive, but he is eat up with guilt and depression. Why did he make it back and others didn't? It really bothers him. We talked for a very long time yesterday and he also mentioned that he hasn't been talking to his parents or his grandmother very much lately either, which is really weird because he is so close with his grandmother. I felt better because he was talking to me and seemed to be somewhat like he used to be, but I think this time it's a little deeper and going to take him longer to get back to "normal".

We are still just "friends", but we aren't dating other people or anything. We talked about our relationship and I know that he still loves me because he told me, and believe me, he's never been one to say it very often. Plus, just the fact that he is trying to communicate with me means a lot. He seems to be relieved to finally tell me what is going on, but it took me kind of pushing him to tell me he wanted to take a break and me giving him some space before he could open up. I just listen and try to offer support, but I don't know what it was like for him so even though I am listening it still isn't the same as someone who experienced it with him.

I still don't know what to do for him to help him deal with his PTSD. Therapists have made him angry because he feels they judge him and don't understand what he went through, especially non-military therapists. So he stopped going to them and taking his meds before I met him. He said the medicine made him go numb and feel like a zombie. I asked how his buddies in California were dealing with it and he said they all had the medicinal mj cards so they weren't having to deal with it the same because it's legal there. He can't do that here because it's illegal and he has a really good job that drug tests.

I could use any advise on how to help him deal. I guess I really just wanted to get all this off my chest as well. I want him to be happy and I will do anything to make him happy even if it involves me having to leave him alone. He is such a great guy and it just breaks my heart to see him go through this.

Thanks for reading and giving me a space to share our story. I've tried talking to my friends, but none of them have dealt with this before either and I don't really like talking about all of this with people that actually know him because I don't want to betray his trust and it would probably bother him if they knew this stuff.

 

[volgirl]

All I can say is I feel you. My PTSD guy also did 2 tours and was very seriously injured.

I call him my "guy" because I can't really say he's a boyfriend. We dated when we met...then he disappeared...then reappeared..then disappeared...you get the picture. He's opened up again recently - said he really wanted us to see where our relationship could go...thinks maybe there is a serious future for us.

We spent a long weekend together and...you guessed it...save for a brief text the day after, I haven't heard from him since. Bottom line - he's been in my life for a little more than 3 years, too. And I have to say, at this point, I'm just trying to focus on the fact that, for whatever reason, I am a safe place for him. Through the ups and downs he feels like he can trust me. And I'm proud of that.

But the important question to ask yourself is - what do YOU need? What is it that you have to have in a relationship to be secure, stable, happy? Right now, I know that my guy can't give that to me. I think he wants to. But he's just not capable -- and he may never be. Sounds like the same could be true of your situation.

I know how hard it is...you care about him and want to make it better. But the fact is, we could be great for our guys...could be the best things that ever happened to them. But if they aren't the same for us, aren't we selling ourselves short?

I'm trying very hard to not take it personally...after all, he wouldn't be around after 3 years if I weren't important to him. But I'm also trying hard not to lose sight of myself and my needs. I don't intend to abandon him - I hope that we will always be at least friends. But I am being very cautious about investing too much of my heart into a romantic relationship that, unless he/we do some serious work, is not going to be fulfilling.

Don't know if that helps at all...I find that sometimes just reading that other people have had the same experience is useful.

 

[ces__]

Thank you for sharing your story.

At the end of this past summer I started dating someone in the military. Last night, things got really bad, overwhelming and he never acted like that before.

I wasn't expecting it yet at the same time I knew something was bothering him. Reading your story def. clarifies the fact its his PTSD and everything that comes along with it.

Hes being deployed in January, so I was assuming he acted the way he did because of the stress (and he acknowledged it.. He just thought it was OK to make it seem like I was the one with all the problems at first)

Good luck and god bless you!

 

[Bella3]

River-

My story is very similar to yours. I can definitely relate. It's not easy when you love someone so much and don't want to give up them. It's also lonely. Your friends mean well, but because they don't understand the illness, their advice is always to leave him and to look out for yourself. Again, they mean well. But, you wouldn't give up on a partner in a wheel chair. This illness is no different. If you decide that you did the best you could but you want other things, then that would be okay because YOU made the decision.

Trust your heart. Open your eyes and your heart. You will know whether it's worth pursuing.
If you do decide to stand behind him, please just know that this will not be easy. It's always tough on both people, in one way or another. Therapy makes a big difference for you both. For him for obvious reasons, for you to help you cope and to help you decide what you want to do.

The goal is whether you both choose to evolve together. I hope and pray that you do :)

Hang in there girl. And love yourself too! :)

 

[Agirl]

I'm dealing with the same problems and I've asked friends who suffer from PTSD the best way to deal with my guy when suffering and I think the best advice I was ever given is to continue to act the same way towards him as if nothing were wrong. The last thing our guys want is for us to change when they are suffering from PTSD. Don't badger them to open up because they won't want to. Even though you will be able to see something is wrong don't say anything about it just act as if nothing has changed. They will come back faster to you, really appreciate you and apologize for how they have been acting. You will be the best thing to them if you can forget about your feelings during this time and pretend nothing had changed. If you are texting him or trying to talk to him but he won't respond say good morning and say goodnight. If he wants to continue talking he will respond but otherwise don't be that girl that keeps pestering him when he takes awhile to answer. Give one text or call and wait for him to respond that day. (When you say good morning and goodnight be cute about it).

Hope this helps.

 

[lostintranslation]

RiverEDGE
I read your post and can't believe someone else has and is dealing with what sounds like my exact story.

 

[alicia112w12]

It is crazy that I am not the only one. Its so lonely and I bounce around thinking I deserve to be treated this way for past wrong doings and that I'm better than this and deserve better. I have been with my fiance for 4 yrs I met him the week he got out of the army for medical reason being hurt in iraq(mind you it was during an army sponsored football game in iraq). my guy supposedly and i do believe him didn't experience any front line combat in fact he ran VTCs for the air force and didn't see much action.

I've asked if he lost friends and he only mentioned 1 who died when they were stationed in Germany because he got too drunk and they all went swimming and lost track of him and he drowned. I know he prob lost other acquaintances but nothing lose to heart. I try and put the pieces together and one thing he's mentioned several times is the fact the base was constantly getting attacked and the alarms were always going off to find a bunker. He told me he never went to the bunkers when the alarms rang because it was a waste of time if they were getting bombed they were all gonna die anyway.

I think the mentality of constantly being shot at and bomb threats changes a person. I also think war wasn't the only thing or even the biggest contributing factor to his PTSD. When he was at his basketball championship senior year in high school his step dad who he was very close to shot himself and left a note for him, his mother and his brother which had blood spatter and brain fragments(which were obviously wiped off but he knew it was there). At that time his mom who was already a "recreational" drug addict and alcoholic went crazy for 4-5years . when he had his first kid at age 20 with HS (epic biotch) gf his mom had to move in with them cuz she claimed she was dying of cancer and was taking prescription pills claiming they were for the cancer.

His ex told me that she scared her especially with a new baby and that she was frustrated by my man's lack of acknowledgement of the problem and refusal to talk about it. 11 months later he had his second kid (yes they were delusional for thinking that was a genius plan even tho I'm so happy He was born.) mom got sent to her parents in Idaho where she got better still an alcoholic but she's a very kind woman who lets my man treat her like garbage because she thinks she deserves it. His upbringing was dysfunctional, mom drank away rent and lost houses and college money while dad (they divorced when he was 1.5 yr old after his brother was born) had a constant string of crazy gf and his idea of "being there" for them was throwing money at the situation.

So my man raised his brother and was the star athlete of the city who was being recruited by d1 colleges for basketball but he threw that down the toilet with partying. When his 2nd kid was born he decided to be a man and step up since his way for paying for school was being the town's coke dealer selling to his mom and her friends. So he joined the army and while away at basic training his fiance/baby mama was hanging out with a lot of guys. He got orders to deploy to Germany where he woukd be stationed and his kids and baby mama was going with him. She backed out the day before flying out and to th i s day still tells his boys he abandoned them. In Germany he met a girl in his unit an married her she was all sorts of crazy too and they divorced after he was medically discharged back home where his wife according to his step mom ,who is the craziest person I've ever met and has it out for him, his dad had an affair with his wife.

I don't believe it but his dad is so flirty and has made me feel uncomfortable at times. So step mom and baby mama are bff and after we got together which was as his divorce was being finalized, a fact he failed to mention to me, she started up an epic custody battle that 4 yrs later we are still dealing with and step mom has gotten and still gives,ex sensitive info such as his financial records, she has told ex we do drugs which ex told the kids yada yada yada crazy crazy crazy. Seriously it's the most dysfunctional family I have ever met. I'm so chill and drama free with a loving family and tons of friends and it has taken a heavy toll on me. So I think his PTSD is part being that everyone that was supposed to be there for him has screwed him over or made life difficult. now the first year was great, HIS KIDS love me and we were madly in love and so incredibly lucky.

I would always think about how lucky I was. Then after year and half 2 yrs he changed. He blames me for everything, he gets cut off driving it's becuz I was talking, we can't afford something it's because I'm lazy and won't get a better paying job, mind you I was 23 when I met him fresh out of college and he was 30. He is annoyed of every thing I do. Someone else or he will do the same thing and it's fine but if I do it it's like the most idiotic, naive, infuriating thing. And I mean everything. I have to ask to go to the bathroom, I walk too loud, my voice is too loud and especially when I'm excited to tell him something he cuts me off pissed off telling me to shut the f**k up.

Its just been getting worse over the years. He doesn't open up to anyone not even me. He has pushed away his family and is always in fights with them, he doesn't speak to my family and they are fed up, he has started fights with my friends they don't like him so I don't see them much anymore, if I want to go see my famiky or friends he gets super pissed making it seem like all I do is hang out and I'm not serious. Also everything out of his mouth is an insult either to a heavy person in the car next to us that he has to point out and yell at or ME. I have become the punching bag(verbal), he hasn't given me a compliment and not even a dinner was good comment and especially never you are beautiful In years .

I confront him of this becuz he gets mad that I worry about my looks cuz he has diminished every ounce of self esteem I had. Everythi bf I do is wrong and he will sometimes scream at me to do something a certain way but is just 're wording what I said but then saying I'm wrong and I'm lying about being right and it being the same thing. Our fights are starting to get more violent he chases me and then restrains me covering my mouth and nose and twisting my arms up saying I was going crazy and he was just trying to get me to stop. One night he was sleeping and put me in a choke hold and started squeezing and I really thought I was gonna die and that is the worst feeling in the world. When he was choking me he was crying. At first when he woukd verbally attack me I woukd stay quiet and cry.

Now I can't help but tell him to shove it and so our fights are more frequent and more volatile. I also see that he has to control me or he freaks. And he controls everything, I have,no money I always owe him don't know how that happened, so I will drive to him and if he's pissed he'll kick me out and I won't have gas to go any where so sleep in car. He told me once that he was going to throw me out of my own car if I didn't shut up and he wouldn't care if he was on the freeway or not. I'm stuck and drowning in debt. We will drive somewhere and he will get mad and leave me and tell me find my own way home 40 min drive away and no money.

He cones back tho but it's still a couple hour ordeal. He is so angry at everyone intense road rage for no reason and nobody wants to hang out with us so it's just us. He doesn't get affectionate with me I have to initiate everything and it's never about me it's all about him getting off. I don't hear I love you or anything but your stupid(which I am far from), annoying, bitch constantly, liar and a cheat. He won't let me ever get anything out of the car or his desk without his supervision. He is crazy and mean and I'm smart and still got my looks and I don't know why I'm still with him. I suggested counseling that was a big no becuz I'm the problem. The army just keeps writing him Rx for percs and I know he's an addict.

I'm scared if I leave he will kill himself or die from something else. I'm miserable and I want to be starting a family now but not with him the old him yes but not this guy. He is hard on his boys and they rely on me for love and attention since their parents are obsessed with trying to screw the other over in court making the boys feel guilty for loving their dad. I'm all they got and if I leave I coukd be the reason they lose their father. My life consist of crying constantly and being told I'm nothing. I don't know what to do I know I HAVE to leave and never look back but for some reason I still love him. Just keep ho p ing he will come back to me.

Sorry got carried away with writing I have to keep a journal so I can seemingly say it out loud. And one last thi n g he can never admit when he is wrong. When I prove him wrong he gets mad at me and rarely says sorry only when he really crossed the line which I think it's all the time. Good luck to all you with similar situations my advice which I need to take is LEAVE my mom once told me which is so true you can't find love until you love yourself so we both need to learn to love ourselves again without each other cuz sometimes there is just too much hurt to move past.

 

[Glara]

Welcome to the forum. It's a great place to come, because only people experiencing this can understand. Just keep reading and posting questions. It'll help you be able to cope and as I have been told over and over and over again, on this forum, take care of yourself first!

 

[Stormy Llewellyn]

I met my Marine when we were fifteen. I fell for him in a matter of months, but he was a total "player" in high school, so I was happy to just be the best friend. He struggled with drug abuse in high school, but when we graduated, he went completely clean and sober, and immediately enlisted. We wrote back and forth all through his basic, but he was deployed to Afghanistan almost immediately after he finished there. His first tour was in 2009 - 2010, and he got to come home for Christmas of 2009. We still hadn't ever dated at that point, but on Christmas Eve he showed up on my parents' porch (I was there for Christmas) in his dress blues, sword at his side, the whole nine.

He told me he had to go back overseas soon, but when he was done, he was going to come home and marry me. My heart soared. Since then he's served 2 more tours of duty. Two years ago, while he was in Afghanistan again, his convoy was decimated by a series of IEDs, and he was the only survivor. He was honorably discharged a few months later and came home. I knew PTSD was a very definite possibility before he ever made it home (I'm in the psych field) and so I thought I knew what to expect. For the last couple of years, things went pretty well, although I know he's been abusing drugs again.

This month is the two year anniversary of the explosion, and even with his meds, he's a wreck. He's despondent, he gets in these fits of rage where he smashes things and screams, then he'll suddenly just sink to the floor and cry. He used to be a very physical partner - he held me all the time, we were always holding hands, I'd rub his shoulders, etc. For the past two weeks, he won't let me touch him. It took me a couple of slip-ups before I figured out I just have to not touch him at all. I totally understand where he's coming from on that, and I respect his wish for no contact.

I want to honor him in all things. But I am such an intimate person, and the fact that he hasn't touched me for two weeks is agonizing for me. Touch is my "love language," that is, I feel most loved through hugs, cuddling, that kind of thing. I love him so much. I will never, ever do anything to hurt him or go against his needs or wishes while he goes through this. But I feel like I'm withering on the vine.

There's no one I can talk to about it, because his family is the very definition of dysfunctional, and my family doesn't accept us because of religious differences. I just need to vent... I feel like my heart is a 600-pound weight in my chest. I love him. I want to do everything in my power to give him exactly what he needs to recover and to feel safe. But I have needs too, and I feel like I can't ignore that forever. What do I do?

 

[catlover26]

Thanks for sharing your story. I just found this forum. I am dating a Vietnam vet that is 16 yrs older than me for over a year now. I can completely understand the feeling of not having anyone to talk to that understands. I have been divorced and my sisters don't really want to hear that much about him I don't think and I have been too busy and tired from work and other reasons not made friends since I have moved here. He does not trust the VA therapists so doesn't tell them all what he is going through. So I end up hearing a lot of it. Although he worked on plane's navigation systems while in Vietnam he still has some horrific stories to tell. For me and my own sanity I have had to realize there is a line I have to 'draw.' Some days I am good at 'drawing that line'. After seeing him last night I am worried about him and thinking too much about things he was telling me. So today I have had to find a place to 'talk' to someone. I, like you, don't want to 'walk' away. I want to be in his life somehow. This is just not what I had expected. I feel we will end up being friends but I am older than you, 55. So that effects my decision because I am not looking for someone else. But you are so much younger and have your whole life ahead which makes the decision so much harder. I have a great poem that a counselor gave me once. I don't remember if you said you had gone to any counseling but it helps to have someone to talk to. This poem really is so important for women and learning to take care of ourselves. It's called 'After a While' if you want to look it up. I have it on my mirror in the bathroom. I have several things posted there that has helped me since my divorce.

Hope things get better for you. There is always someone on here to talk to. Take Care!

 

[Ty Gant]

This has helped me a whole lot.. I have a guy that I have been dating for almost a year now. I never understood our argument's or his anger towards me... It made me feel like he hated me at times.. I always wondered why he would forget thing's that we had just discussed a day or two ago... I started noticing the pattern of us getting into in every week or two weeks.... I was about to give up because it seemed not to bother him that my feelings was heart and he handle's everything so aggressively ...now I feel bad.. Like I own him an apology for not doing my research sooner

 

[catlover26]

Yes, I have definitely learned a lot from being on this forum that explains his behavior. This week we have decided to take a break from each other. We haven't talked at all. He says he doesn't want to end it. But his actions to me seem other wise. Sometimes, well it seems like lately a lot of the time, I can't tell what he wants. He says he just doesn't want the conflict between us. We don't really argue he just can't take any kind of conflicting discussions now. His depression and sleeping problems are making him on edge I think. I hope for the best but prepare for the worse. He is also a recovering alcoholic for 30 years so I have been going to Al-Anon meetings so that has really helped me.