Learning To Love And Be Loved Is So Confusing!

[pixi]

Sometimes, positive changes are the most painful and confusing...

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. He is very loving and has no problem listening to me whenever I get anxious. He is incredibly patient and has already challenged many of the negative beliefs I hold about myself and my challenges with PTSD - he constantly reminds me that I did not have a healthy upbringing and that I am very brave and strong, things I am quick to forget when I am triggered. (*My trauma involves both parental abuse/neglect as well as psychological abuse experienced in foster care, so I often fall into self-destructive thought patterns.)

I knew pretty early in the relationship that I would be challenged by it, because I don't have a lot of experience being in close contact with an unconditionally loving, supportive relationship. In fact, this is my first intimate relationship of this kind. For whatever reason, us trauma survivors do have a hard time accepting love.

I still find myself closed off from him from time to time. Little things agitate me and make me worry. He tells me that he loves me a lot, for instance, and it unnerves me! I love hearing it, but I am not used to hearing it as often as I am now. Also, for no obvious reason, I don't want to touch or be touched sometimes, and I don't want to hurt him by telling him. Or I'll get annoyed with him for no reason, and it confuses me to no end!

It seems like my mind is trying to block him out and convince me to fall out of love with him before something bad happens, and it's manifesting in these ways. Meanwhile, my rational mind tries to come up with reasons *why* this is happening - I know he won't hurt me, I know this is a good relationship, but my trauma mind thinks otherwise. And it's hard reasoning with trauma instincts!

Also, I've always lived alone and we recently moved in with each other (I know it's early - it was the right decision for me/us). So while being all by myself for days on end wasn't fun or healthy, it's all I know.. as much as I love sharing a home with him, sometimes I simply don't know how to balance "me time" with "us time" yet.

He is a good man. He is emotionally available, he always considers my needs, and even cooks for me when I am too depressed or drained to cook for myself. I love and care about him deeply, and usually enjoy him company. I want to give him the love back - I really do. He knows that I need space, but I feel sad when he comes home from a long day at school and I still don't have much to give him. I'm afraid that if I give in to my need for space, our relationship will suffer. I don't know if making my body do something that my mind is telling me not to do (cuddle on the couch, say "I love you too" countless times a day) will heal or harm me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation who can shed some wisdom for me?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you *don't* make "me time", your relationship will suffer. Have you considered this as opposed to your current belief? I don't think that cuddling when you don't want to and saying I love you too a million times a day will "heal" you. Not everyone, not even non PTSD people, are always in the mood to cuddle, and some hardly ever say "I love you" but the love is obviously there, regardless.

 

[nursenurse]

Agree with SoL. I read somewhere, possibly on a thread here, that constant "I love you's" can be a sign of insecurity, and in reality, who of us in any relationship PTSD related or not, can admit to not feeling insecure at times. Each participant in a relationship needs "Me" time. This is not selfish, it is healthy and necessary for a balanced relationship.

If you are not in the mood for a cuddle, just tell him, in as nice a way as possible. I have told my sufferer to do this, otherwise, if he starts to feel overwhelmed by unwelcome attention, he will snap, so to speak, and that would leave everyone feeling badly all around. It is not hurtful, at least to me, to be told what his needs are at the moment. The hard thing is not to take it personally, but with the proper reassurance, it is not an insult to me, simply a need of his that has to be met at the time for him to function. Fortunately he is "present" in the relationship regardless of instances like this, and for this I am blessed and thankful. And he is loving and affectionate in between.

 

[SilentWarDiva]

The hard thing is not to take it personally, but with the proper reassurance, it is not an insult to me, simply a need of his that has to be met at the time for him to function.

This is something I struggle with in my relationship. My wife is very touchy-feely and affectionate--I am not. She often takes it personally when I do not want to hug, cuddle, etc.

Do you have any suggestsions, i.e., how has your husband been able to effectively communicate his needs in a way that doesn't hurt your feelings?

Thanks,
Diva

 

[nursenurse]

The reassurance is usually that he tells me he loves me, but just can't handle whatever at the time. I can't say that I don't ever feel hurt, especially when for me the affection is a necessary part of the relationship. It's the in between stuff that strengthens it, i.e. the fact that he is loving and affectionate, holds my hand, will cuddle on the couch, in bed, wherever, repeatedly, meaning inbetween the times where he feels he is being overwhelmed.And, knowledge is power. I started on these forums early on in the relationship, so I am not surprised, generally, by what happens. Your wife should do that too, get on here and educate herself.My guy is point blank about stuff, in fact brutally so at times. I have had to tell him that how he says something is as important as what he says. He'll always say that he loves me, that the problem isn't mine, and he will usually give a time frame, usually a day or two, before he will be back to himself. Usually it is sooner than that. And never spoken in frustration or anger, just a matter of fact, like "We need milk."

But, if you asked me the single biggest factor, it was reading here, and educating myself to what might happen, and asking here when things did happen. I was prepared. Then it was down to how he says things, and thank goodness, he is open to suggestions and is trying very hard to be mindful of my feelings, and kind in how he puts things. Doesn't work 100%, but I know he is trying. And that is all i really want. Hope this helps :)

 

[SilentWarDiva]

Thanks for the input, nursenurse. I will think about that stuff going forward.