Relationship Letting Go

[JennJenn]

Today I told him that I am letting go. I tried to find a time for us to talk in person today, but he pushed me away and said he was busy. I decided to send him email instead. This is what it said:

"I wish that I could have this conversation in person with you, but it is probably better this way. Ever since we talked the other night I have been thinking.

First off I want you to know that I have loved you from the beginning, and still love you to this day. I don't think my love for you will ever fade away.

I have spent so much time trying to figure out what I can do to make our relationship work, but that isn't what I should have been doing. I should have been asking myself, "What does Matt need?" I've been scared to ask this question. I am constantly trying to make myself happy by keeping our relationship together. I would do anything to be with you.

I finally asked myself that question, and I know the answer. You need to focus on yourself and become healthy again. The part that makes me sad is I know this isn't possible with me in the picture. I have been holding on so tight to our relationship because that is what I want. I think it is finally time for me to let go. The thought of this is terrifying because I know when I let go it will be the end of our time together.

Holding on to you makes me feel so guilty because I feel like I am continuing to force you to deal with this. I know you say that you keep fighting just like me, but if I quit fighting you will too. You will think that by letting me walk away you are doing me a favor. Part of me (probably still a large part of me) will always hold on to hope of us finding our way back together, but I am going to quit pushing. I am stopping because I think that is what is best for you, not because I don't think you are worth the fight. Please know that if I didn't think I was hurting you more than I was helping I would keep fighting.

If one day you think you are up for trying a relationship again, I will be here. Honestly, I hope we are still able to keep some kind of friendship. I know that right now you need some time apart from me. Hopefully one day we can grab lunch, watch a movie, or play the video game, but if I can control myself I am not going to contact you anymore. I am going to try and let you reach out to me when you feel like you are ready to start talking to me again. I will miss you so much."

 

[kacee129]

That has brought me to tears because I feel the same way...and I am also letting go. You are not alone in this battle. And maybe "they" are right in letting us go. I like to think that my sufferer is still the person I remember when we were 15. Good luck to you and yours.

 

[JennJenn]

@kacee129 Thank you for our support. I wish you the best in your situation. This is definitely the most painful situation I have been through in my life.

 

[WillyKat]

I know this hurts and it has to hurt for a while. Take good care of yourself!

 

[JennJenn]

He sent me a message back and told me that he if he was able he would continue, but he can't right now. He told me that if I needed to step back so that I could get to a happier place that I should do that.

What he doesn't understand is I'm not stepping back because that is what I want and need, but because that is what he needs. I urged him to contact me if he ever wants to. I need him to know that I still want to to be able to hear his voice, see his face, or even just send messages to him.

I'm just so scared that by me telling him this he will take it as I can't go on because of my own happiness.If he still wants contact I am more than happy to stay in contact with him.

 

[kacee129]

Mine always says he knows he needs to live alone, in a room, where he won't bother anyone. He tells me he knows he is messed up. By him saying these things it makes me more sad. Like he doesn't mean all that happens (and I do know he doesn't)) - it is the way he is. He says he is resolved to that. He always tells me he doesn't mean to hurt me. And I do believe him, but it does hurt. I have tried to overlook things, to try to detach, to try not to take it personally. I have not been able to do that. I end up in a state of total anxiety. And then I lash out. It is not good for either of us. I just don't understand why he won't or can't or doesn't want to see that if he only tried to get help, maybe his life would be better. Like today..he is so stressed about having to move, not having enough money, everything negative he could think of. I kept my mouth shut, but all the while thinking why won't he give it a try? And of course I think "am I not worth it to him?" but I know that is not the case. He has even told me that I don't deserve to have to put up with his S***. That he doesn't want to hurt me. But doesn't he realize I am hurting anyway? I can't change my mind and tell him to stay. It would not help him at all. I just hope that maybe somehow, someway, he will "get" it. I'm not putting too much faith in that thought. Only because he has been living with this demon for many years. He is 64...Is a VietNam vet. Sometimes I think that this is the only type of living he knows. He was so young. Maybe trying something different is too scary for him. I just don't know anymore.

I am almost sure we will still stay in contact. I just have to be strong to stand my ground. I will pray for us and also you and your yours.

 

[JennJenn]

Mine has told me that I don't deserve what this disorder has to offer. After we broke up last time I confessed to him that his unwillingness to try made me feel like I wasn't worth it. This time around he was actually, but neglected to tell me. I would have felt better knowing he was actually trying to get help.

Our relationship was very strange because even though he had PTSD the only symptom that he ever exerted towards me was avoidance. I know there are so many others have to deal with their partner being harsh, lashing out towards them, or being verbally abusive, but he never did this. His PTSD actually comes from being a protector of someone who is involved in domestic abusive, so he would never do anything like that, so his way of coping is avoidance and pushing me away.

I am in a better place with this break than I was with the last. I blamed myself for not being good enough for him, for not trying hard enough to make the relationship work, and for not being worthy of love. Now I understand that these are all false. Accepting that you are not able to fix the relationship is the hardest thing.

My relationship with him is very complicated because I am his trigger. Loving someone triggers him. From what I have learned relationships suffer because the partner's symptoms cause stress within the relationship. The relationship is the what causes stress. Without the relationship he can return back to a normal healthy life.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Jen, very similar situation as mine.

Mine, at times, didn't like crowds, but no angry outbursts, no nightmares, but avoidance and isolating and depression episodes. I do not know if I was an actual trigger for him, but I know being in a relationship was.

I'm having a hard time letting go, but I'm trying. Hard not blaming yourself and wondering how they read it. Mine just isolated, no contact. He's just gone. I guess it may be healthier for him, in his mind. Less stress and all that, but still think sometimes why couldn't he want me enough to go back to therapy? Why couldn't he let himself trust me enough to let himself really love me?

He always told me his isolating had nothing to do with me, but I know I added to his stress. Its just terribly hard knowing that you'd fight for him, but he just can't fight for you- not really. I know I'm not supposed to take it personally, but it's hard not to sometimes.

I hate that I feel like a failure. Like I failed him, but all I can do is move on. Logically, I know that's best, but emotions can really kick logic's butt sometimes.

Sorry, I really rambled. I just wanted to support that you aren't alone in what you're experiencing. And it really hurts. It is so different from anything else I've experienced. The loss seems greater Or more poignant. And the worrying is an issue.

I hope it gets easier for everyone trying to let go.

 

[Philippa]

Such an honest and bittersweet expression. It brought tears to my eyes (and the music I'm listening to right now didn't help either. :D)

Loving someone sometimes means being able to let go of them, if it's in their best interests. That's real love, and it's beautiful. Kudos to you for being so brave and loving him enough to let go.

 

[JennJenn]

@BewitchedBewildered I'm also trying to be logical about the whole situation, but heart and emotions keep getting in the way. I have always been more of a logical thinker, and didn't rely on my emotions to make decisions. Ever since I have been faced with situation I have been letting logic take a back seat.

You are not a failure. Giving something your all does not make you a failure. The only way you can fail is not trying. If you tried and learned anything from the situation you did not fail. I had the same problem. I kept thinking I failed, but it isn't true. Also, something that yours might not tell you, but feels is that he appreciates the effort you put into learning and fighting.

The greatest thing I am taken away from my relationship is that even though we were not able to make the relationship work, I know that if I am ever in need of something he will be there for me. I'll miss him terribly, but I don't think he will ever completely be removed from life. I will always have a place for him in my heart.

 

[nz16]

I feel your struggle. I am currently going through the same situation with my "fiancé." I came to a realization that the more I was trying to hold on to the relationship, the more he pushed away. The more I learn about combat PTSD and PTSD in general, the more I realized that he needs a friend, lots of help, and support, not a relationship. Painful realization; bitter sweet. Sending you lots of hugs and best wishes. xo

 

[JennJenn]

Thank you all so much for the hugs and best wishes. I am sending the love right back to all of you.

One day it will get better for all of us.