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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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Mom Vs> The Bee

This happened years ago. I was pregnant with my first child and mom and I were out on the porch talking. There was this bee that started flying around us. Instantly I started batting and moving away from the little pest. My mom told me that if I just stood still that the bee would leave us alone. She no sooner got the words out and that bee flew right up under her glasses and stung her right on the nose. I started laughing sooo hard that I almost peed my pants. By the time my laughing was undercontrol I sputtered out that I don't think that standing still was the answer.:rofl:
 
Ingredients: 1 bottle crown royal;
1 cup of water;
1 tsp. baking soda;
1 cup of sugar;
1 tsp. salt;
1 cup of brown sugar;
1 tbsp. lemon juice;
4 large eggs;
1 cup nuts;
2 cups of dried fruit.





Directions: Sample the crown royal in a large glass to check quality.
Take a large bowl, and check the crown royal again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the crown royal is still OK, so drink another cup or two .
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit and the damn cup off the floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, juspry it loose with a drewscrivr.
Sample the crown royal again to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
Check the crown royal.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISMAS TO ALL!
 
hehehe.. my mom had a 'crown royal' moment two years ago with the turkey.. my step-father poured her some mean drinks and she got hammered.. it was funnier than hell.. so just turn that joke into a turkey.. and that was my mom...

Bec
 
A company is having a hard time finding employees and decides to hire a group of cannibals. They all promise that they wouldn't eat anyone and things start to go great. Production goes way up and everyone's happy. Then one day a manager calls all of the cannibals into the conference room and says, 'We have a problem. One of our secretaries is missing. Did one of you eat her?' They all shake their heads no and swear they didn't do it. The manager say, 'OK' and leaves the room. The chief cannibal turns to the other and says, 'You idiots! For months we've been eating managers and no one has noticed. But is that good enough for you people? NOOOO because one of you morons has to go and eat someone that actually does work around here and would be missed.'
 
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