Loneliness

[Catherine]

Does anyone ever have an overwhelming feeling of loneliness?
I try to go out, walk around a crowded mall, or anything that means i'm not physically alone, but that doesn't change the feeling inside.
Does anyone have any suggestions to help make this feeling go away or how to cope with it?

 

[Nyx]

I'm sorry you feel like this. I understand the feeling perfectly and I'm sorry to say I haven't found a "cure" for it. Even though I am not alone, from time to time I do get this overwhelming feeling that I am. Maybe you could try talking to someone who is close to your heart when you feel like this. It usually helps ease the feeling for me...

 

[Ted Moen]

I used to chat with my therapist about a Catch-22 thing where if I was a safe distance emotionally from people it was so lonely life wasn't worth living but if I was involved emotionally in activities with people the anxiety and panic became so intense I had to do whatever I had to do to push them away and get back to a safe emotional distance, and there seemed to be no middle ground for me. I was either in a clinical depression or an extreme state of panic and anxiety.

The answer was in very small steps with a lot of theraputic support to participate emotionally in relationships and activities appropriate to my age and situation, enduring the feelings of panic and anxiety while focusing on acting the way I would have myself act if I weren't feeling the panic and anxiety. Successfully participating in activities and relationships is the answer to the depressed side of the Catch-22, and with practice the feelings of anxiety and panic gradually reduce.

Ted

 

[cherryblossom]

The thing is you can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. Loneliness is an emotional feeling, not just whether you are physically in the company of others. So just being around people won't solve loneliness. A person needs to be around others that they have an emotional bond with. It is a basic human need.

I think the only way is to take things slowly, as Ted says, and gradually allow people into your life. And that doesn't start on any deep emotional level, it starts with meeting people, and gradually building friendships and trust.

 

[Catherine]

Meeting people and making friends (a two way friendship) scares the crap out of me. I am afraid to get close to people on any level, as I am afraid that they will cause me harm. A big thing is that i don't trust myself to "pick out" people that won't hurt me.

My therapist suggested group therapy to me as a step in that direction. So I am trying to get involved in group therapy, but the wait lists are long, and there are few group therapy sessions where i am from that occur in the evening.
At this point as I am realizing how much my traumas are affecting me and my work; I would gladly to give up my full time job to do group therapy, but i know that is not the answer that i need at this point in time.

 

[Catherine]

I used to chat with my therapist about a Catch-22 thing where if I was a safe distance emotionally from people it was so lonely life wasn't worth living but if I was involved emotionally in activities with people the anxiety and panic became so intense I had to do whatever I had to do to push them away and get back to a safe emotional distance, and there seemed to be no middle ground for me. I was either in a clinical depression or an extreme state of panic and anxiety.

That is exactly how it is with me too.

 

[cherryblossom]

Meeting people and making friends (a two way friendship) scares the crap out of me.

Yep !! I think I forgot to mention, that it's far from easy!! Easy to write about, much more difficult to put into practice :eek:

But seriously, the only way forward. Of course your safety is the most important part.... and group therapy may well be a good place to start.... but if it's not available right now, perhaps you can try something else?

You mentioned work, perhaps you could start there? If there are other staff members in your place of work, try having more conversations with them. Trust and friendship has to be built on, from both sides. Like I said, it doesn't start with deep and meaningful conversations.

If you feel like you don't know what to say to people, ask them questions. Most people are happy to talk about themselves on a general level. If they have kids - ask after them. Parents usually have something to say about their children. Maybe take an interest in the local or national news - that can be another starting point for conversations, or a TV program, or film you've seen. Just start small and build your confidence. Smile, while you are chatting .... I know that probably sounds silly, but it will make others see you as much more approachable.

If work isn't a place to make friends, then you need to look at some other activity, that will get you meeting like minded people. If there's something you are interested in perhaps you can enrol in a class, or voluntary work in that area. Maybe there's something you always wished you'd tried? A joint interest is a great place to start, with making new friends.

But however you proceed, if you want to avoid future loneliness, you need to work out a way to engage with people, or learn to live with it. Small, baby steps, and build up from there.

 

[anndeb]

Making friends in life is a key for me to my emotional and mental health.. It was so hard in the beginning when I was so depressed and isolated, many years ago. I started in 12 step meetings (emotions anonymous) and used their phone list to call people, one call per day, one day at a time. And one trip out of the house per day one day at a time. Even if it meant only going to the corner mail box to mail a letter and back home. It takes a lot of work but is soooo worth it I think. Not all people are friendly or treat us well but the more we try the more likely it will become that we will find some good people to help support us in our lives i think.