Looking For Advice...

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Ok so my brother passed away very recently and very unexpectedly.

Life can change in a heart beat..
Or rather a lack of one.

Now my parents have been really needy and I completely understand. However my therapist and I have come to the conclusion that they are both Narcisstic. So dealing with them has been hard to do so gracefully.
My father was informed that he could take a compassion leave from work. He wants to retire but he is also very good at bending the rules so he can still get full pay and not work. He has worked a lot, so once again I can understand. This compassion leave is perfect for him because he can extend the time he is technically employed without having to work. There are conditions to this compassion leave. He has to attend therapy or at least have family therapy sessions while he's off work. Just last week he told me that going to therapy made me 'less of a person' and that I was being selfish by thinking about my brother while grieving. He said not to make this about me because my brother doesn't care and just replaying memories is being selfish. I can't help thinking about missing my brother and now it just makes me feel guilty when I do it.
But now my father wants us all to attend family therapy sessions with him so he can milk the program through work.

I'm scared to go to therapy with them. To sit in a room with them and their crazy opinions. I do not want to be brought to the edge by them. Especially in front of a therapist. Has anyone ever had family therapy sessions? Are there any good tricks to not letting their comments hurt me? or am I over-reacting?

 

[Friday]

Just because it's family-therapy doesn't mean the whole family has to be there!

It's a mode of therapy, doesn't need even more than a single person attending, designed to address normal family issues (births, deaths, divorce, remarriage, school, work, etc. Normal life stuff.) It's one of the few forms of therapy that very easily accommodates more than 1 person, but there is no requirement for more.

After having lost a child, the expected forms of therapy would either be grief & bereavement therapy, or family therapy.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I've been in Family Therapy due to an out of control adolescent son. We were told the therapist would start the session and chime in when needed .i was hoping my ex husband would cooperate and share some thought but he just sat like a bag of beets. It ended up being my son daughter and I chatting with the therapist. We decided based on Dads lack of interest that we would work as a group-the kids and I. We made plans for divorcing him and the split was pretty smooth.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Yes @FridayJones, I understand that it isn't required that the whole family joins under the conditions of compassion leave however my father is forcing us all to attend. He has made this a really big deal and fighting is futile. He doesn't want therapy for himself, he wants the benifit of being employed without working. This isn't about receiving help for him unfortunately. I wish it was as easy as not going!

Thank you for your replies! @KwanYingirl I am glad to hear from someone who's been in that kind of setting. I'm glad things went smoothly for you, I hope the same for myself. I'm mostly scared for the therapists sake and ours. My father will not hold back telling us and most likely her to shut up and other degrading things. I'm scared for how we'll come across and the outcome of my dads actions. I guess what I could do is what I usually do and that's hold my tongue and wait it out. I fear I won't have the strength to hold back, I just don't want to make things worse.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think hanging back while the therapist gets a feel for the others is a good idea. Then she can ask questions that you only have to answer if you want.

 

[SnowBirch22]

I've never been to family therapy so I can't help you there. But my parents were very similar. I was not allowed to cry, though my mother enjoyed drawing me to tears. My mother & father were some of the rudest, most insensitive people around so I had an entire childhood to practice getting a thick skin.

The trick is to focus on your therapist & her reaction. It will also benefit your therapy after the "family therapy" sessions are over because your therapist will get to see first hand what sort of people they are. And in turn come to some conclusions how it would affect you living with those people & experiencing their barrage of crap. Be you, if you want to say something, say it. If you don't, don't. But it's okay to break down in front of your therapist. She or he will understand. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just emotionally draining when people push you that far. But having a rubber band to snap every now & again around your wrist can help to take your focus off whatever annoyed you for a split second. Count mentally down from 10. Focus on your breathing. Turn the anger into something else & see the funny side if they say ridiculous things. If all else fails, focus on the end of the session & the fact that it won't last forever. Only as long as his compassionate leave requires him to be there.

As for how you feel about your brother... You have every right to feel sorrow & to mourn him in your own way. It's not normal not to feel or to think about your brother's passing unless you hated him which you very clearly don't. Therapy helps you work through grief & helps you process it properly. Because it can manifest itself in unhealthy ways & people sometimes don't get over the death of loved ones, friends, spouses etc. for years & years. What I can tell you, is it gets better. It doesn't stop hurting, but it hurts less often as time goes on. Your therapist will help you grieve, process, & deal with your brother's passing in a healthy way, & in your own way. Your parents sound very manipulative & what they said was very heartless. It was also untrue. But they also don't sound like the kind of people that would listen to any criticism or advice so just try to ignore them as best as you can. They think their way is the right way & anything different from what they think is right is wrong. That's just not so. Be you, & feel what you feel. Nobody gets to tell you how to feel.

Although, bare in mind your father may be grieving too. He may just be the sort that bottles things up & will be more angry & obnoxious than usual.

Good luck & keep strong!

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Thank you so much @SnowBirch22. Everything in your post helped me. I do agree that that's the best strategy. I will take the therapists lead and try the elastic band and counting. It's unfortunate because the family session is being provided through a different therapist than my own. So I hope she is up for the challenge. If it was my therapist I would be so thankful because I know he would understand. However I know this won't last long, my therapist explained that it's probably only three sessions that would be required.
I've made it through my whole life with them this far... I will just have to tough it out. I do love my brother, he was the only thing that resembled hope for me. Thank you again.

 

[SnowBirch22]

There's always hope. My childhood was pretty rough with my drunken mother & my father who was mostly absent through work but they had violent arguments all the time. I also had a crap time in school. It gets better. Life is worth living & you'll grow up one day & leave home. It'll be okay! And may your brother rest in peace. He's watching over you. It helps to write him a letter you know. Or write to him in a journal. Or even if you get to be alone somewhere for a bit... Just talk to him. Light a candle for him. If you live near the sea; pick a flower & cast it into the sea for him as often as you like. Whatever helps you honour him & what he means to you. It's going to be okay. Trust me on that.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Your kind words hit home... Thank you @SnowBirch22. He would want me to hold on to hope. You are truly inspiring and I'm really thankful you responded to my thread. Made me cry, but I needed to cry. (Glad I read it in privacy)

 

[SnowBirch22]

:hug: A hug if you'd accept it. You sound like you need one. So there you go... Hope you're as okay as can be.

 

[Chava]

Family therapy was not a good experience for me. But luckily I didn't have to attend very long. Even though I was supposedly the problem, the therapist quickly wanted to work with just my parents, so thank god I was let free of that scenario. And of course the most volatile and blaming parent quit the therapy for everyone.

So, not sure this is even helpful. But hopefully the therapist can read between the lines and not let any yuck get directed in the wrong ways, or just allow you to leave if you are too uncomfortable.

I haven't heard of this sort of family therapy for a leave. What will the focus be? Is it to help with grief? Then it might be okay. For me, it was focusing on family dynamics and shared responsibility for how a kid could struggle so much, and my parents wouldn't have it. I was the f*ck up and they were "fine".

I'm sorry for your loss and hope this therapy goes okay for you.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

My dad is playing it off like I need him to take this compassion leave and that I need the extra help. When in reality I'm going through the process of grieving quite normally, although it doesn't help my PTSD or depression. My therapist and I have a great relationship and he assures me I am not the issue.

The therapy is for grief, however I read the contract and it states that if the therapist recommends staying in therapy so he can maintain the absence from work, than that's a possibility. I'm 99% sure my dad will forgo the therapy and the leave when he doesn't have control over the room. But I'm nervous that things could go exactly his way and the therapist agrees I'm the problem.
I don't even live with them, I find the situation a tad bit overwhelming because I have been trying to distance myself up until recent. With current circumstances I would feel guilty if I didn't show my dad support during this hard time. I don't need another thing they can use against me. Right? Lol

Thank you for sharing your experience @Chava, I'm glad the therapist obviously saw you were not the problem.