Looking For Answers

[SGT D]

Some times when i'm sitting there I feel like crying for no reason, pictures and people spark memories of the surge in 06 and my chest starts feeling tight. some songs make me cry, some movies too but i try my best to put it away and hold back the tears. I'm not sure how to explain how I feel but it just feel like this feeling is never going to go away. all the friends I've lost and everything we did to live out there feels like even though I don't try to think about, it fills me up so much there's almost no more room for anything else. It's so hard to figure out how to write what i feel, some days i don't think about it at all, others, Iraq is all I can think about. in my head i can't find the words to express how i feel. theres a song though that says it perfectly when it comes to my family. "i hold my breath so you can't see my tears, how can i expect you to deal with something I'm having a hard time handling" guess im just asking can anyone at all relate to this?

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate welcome to the forum. The majority of us have been in your exact situation. It gets better mate, honestly it does, but nothing in life that is good, comes easy. You have to find the right medication to calm your head first then the right therapist to work on the demons in your head.
Just sit back and read through the tomes of information here and you will see we are all similar in a lot of ways.

Keep your chin up buddy. We are here if you have anymore questions

Jimmy

 

[Ted Moen]

Hey SGT D, you don't feel like crying for no reason. You feel like crying now because you are starting to feel safe and those feelings you had to stuff because you had to focus on doing what you had to do at the time are starting to surface. All those thoughts and feelings you stuffed in Iraq, plus others you may have taken to Iraq with you, are going to seep out in a disorganized, seemingly random way. The challenge is to learn to process them without allowing them to generate behavior that interferes in your current situation. Take care.

Ted

 

[Anglesachse]

Welcome to the fold Sgt D.

Rest assured you are not alone, I can fully relate to what you`ve written, and I am not alone, and neither are you. Take a pew and rest awhile.

 

[deborah l. boylan]

Wecome Sgt D! You are talking to the queen of crying. Emotions sometimes get away from you or something that you see or hear will remind you of another time and place. The feelings just come forth. That's why I keep a box of tissue handy. Tears can be cathartic and although not considered macho, they really can help release a lot of suppressed sadness. Know that you are not alone, you have a place to come when you need a shoulder. We're with you!

Deb

 

[Sarg]

Ditto all that's been said, Sgt. D. Know the crying thing. Know I'm not a rock any more. Just a human trying to squeeze a little happiness out of each day. As has been said, it does get better. It takes work, meds and therapy but it will happen. Believe it.

Sarg

 

[JarHed]

Hey Sgt D

You never have to apologize here for your feelings. Just let it out, it's OK. Don't try to hold it all in, it just doesn't really work. In fact I think it makes it worse. If you're as close to it as it sounds like you are you're gonna' have good days and some rough ones as well. Enjoy every moment of the good ones and hang in there during the others. You're not alone here. I'm still quite new but one thing I see and feel is that others here feel like you do and understand. It helps.

Jar

 

[Charon]

Dude you're saying something that I think most of us can relate to, me especially. I was in Iraq '05-'06 and didn't really begin processing things till I left the service in '08 and came back home. Even before then though, if I saw a flag on a transfer case (I worked mortuary) I'd start f-ing bawling, plus Taps took on a whole new meaning for me.

Some days I'd just sit around and cry for hours. One Memorial Day I sat in my room in the barracks and watched "Gardens of Stone" (an incredibly sad movie about guys doing honor guard burials at Arlington) and just sobbed and sobbed and drank and drank.

It does get better man, it really does. I think finding the right meds is helpful and most vets who have PTSD also have depression. I think writing helped me, I've always been pretty into it and since there really wasn't anyone else I could talk to about the stuff I saw/did, I just journaled about it. Sometimes the memories would make me cry, but it does get better. Hang in there man.

 

[SGT D]

Thanks guys, for the last couple of days I've been trying to talk about it more than i have in the past 4 years, I'm seeing a counselor, and am going to start going to group as well. When we returned from Iraq the guys i came back with were all close with each other, 4 years later I've never found that closeness within any other unit I've been in. I called a very good friend of mine from the surge up yesterday and he told me that he feels the same way, same crying, same feeling of being disconnected. I deployed again last year and it was completely different, being the only member of my squad that had deployed when there as combat every day in Iraq no one could relate to what i had been through and almost everyone criticized my reaction when i saw someone cut us off on the road, or people on there cell phones starring at us. all i could think about was, if this was 06 i would have killed them. I'm not happy about that... It scares me that my mind was working that way. I hope that now that i am talking about everything, I will be able to control my emotions a little better. For me its not flash backs, its not cold sweats or horrible nightmares that you hear about on TV, its now and then thoughts of the things we did, or things that happened, friends that died, and times were i should have died, its the triggers that bring memories and feelings that i try to put away. I feel like life would be easier if i could erase those 15 months.

 

[Sarg]

It's only been four years, Sgt. D. You're still up close and personal to all that went down. There's more to come, believe me. BUT, and this is very important, you are doing the right things to head the worst of it off. You're young, and therefore psycologically "flexible", not set in stone like it was for us Nam Vets. You're seeking help and help these days is light years ahead of what we had. We fought the "malingerer" label for for years and years before they started treating us and even then only grudgingly.

You'll do good, man, believe it. Come here and vent! You'll be venting to folks who have been there, done that and it's like salve to a wound, it heals. You're among Brothers, believe it!

Sarg

 

[Ned]

Hello Sgt D, from Sgt Ned. Yep, it's the memories for me too. But that's how we learn, so you can't stop them, just have to process them. Now that you're on it that can happen. Things do change, but what you learned has its uses, you can pass on those hard-earned lessons too. And all those safe-deposit boxes the memories are in can be opened up. I know what you mean about luck, but it is just that, no real reason to feel guilt...

 

[Jimmy1]

Sgt D, there are a lot of guys and gals on the forum who have lost everything, careers, family, friends etc. To them their own trauma and what is going on in their lives could not get any worse.

Just remember these two quotes, they have helped me.

'Rock bottom is solid ground' and 'A dead end is a place to turn around'

We may never be cured from this beast inside of us, but everyday is one more step to managing to live with it.
Some days I still want to give up and ask myself is it all worth it, it drives me crazy, hang on I think I am already part that already. No Sgt D, you have to find something that keeps you going. A family member, a child, something and focus on that.

I saw my grandson taking his first steps yesterday via a video link. That is inspiring to me. And after four years of being alone I have finally found someone who will care for me, accept my PTSD (although sometimes I am mean and nasty to her). We get married next year.

Your not alone mate, and if you need help just ask.