Looking For Help...Serious Hormonal Reactions

[Madame Bunni]

Hey, everyone! I'm new, and decided to join the forums after reading a very interesting post that kind of relates to me...

Let me tell you my story.

A little over two years ago, I was sexually assaulted by an acquaintance of mine. I'd only known him for about a month, and our relationship was just a business matter (I was a freelance graphic artist and he was a client)...well...it was to me. But he wanted something else...and to make a long story short, he took it. I don't really want to get into details about it, because when I think about it, it still feels like my fault. I let him guilt trip me into being in an abusive relationship with him because "it was the right thing to do" (since I was in a relationship with someone else when this horrible event happened).

Well, it lasted two months before I decided that one of us was going to die before it was over with (he was starving me to death, and it got to a point where I became mute and trembled violently every waking minute of my time there because I was afraid for my life), and my survival instincts finally kicked in, and I was rescued by a family member I had decided to contact who had mercy on me (I'm not very close to my family...).

So shortly after that I was harassed for a while, and managed to close all contact with him and start a new life. I moved from the area he was at so I would be less likely to see him again. I had horrible, violent nightmares about being gangraped and tortured for about a year and a half. Constant, vivid nightmares that would make me wake up crying, gasping, and disoriented. I was in a new relationship and doing well in school, but I was miserable and wanted to die. I felt like trash. I also felt abandoned spiritually, and the God I once looked up to, was no where in my life.

Just recently, only about a month ago, I thought to myself, "You know what? I can forgive him. I know that he will get his, and being angry and blaming myself is only hurting me." And then I thought it was over with, and I could move on.

Now, I've just started college and I don't live with my parents, so I'm pretty broke after all my bills. I wanted to get therapy, but certainly couldn't afford it. I've always been strong, and thought I could get over it myself...eventually.

The thing is, since this has happened, I've noticed that during "that time of the month", I get crazy. Really really crazy. I cut myself and break things and yell at people and cry and cry and cry. I had started to OD on some of my medications just so I wouldn't feel anything anymore. (But that has since stopped because I made myself REALLY sick). It's very odd, because I'm not usually like that at all. I start to hear voices even, and suffer from formication! When I look in the mirror, I see that I've gained 100 pounds (not exaggerating either) when I'm really just fine! It's weird, because my ovulation period just ended (that's usually when I feel the effects of PMS, is two weeks before I start), and when I looked in the mirror, I looked REALLY REALLY thin, when yesterday, I was ready to have liposuction. I didn't feel fat. I actually saw it, and was convinced that I couldn't pull the same shorts up over my knees that are almost too big for me today. And that was just yesterday!!

I've never experienced hallucinations during PMS before, but it's very serious now. In fact, until this event happened to me, I'd get a little irritable, and then have very painful cramps. Never anything like this though. Sometimes I feel like I should be committed during this time. Whats even stranger is I don't even feel cramps anymore. And when I think about what I was feeling like yesterday, I can't even believe I was acting so crazy! It's unbelievable.

I'm wondering if this hormonal reaction is somehow related to any repression I'm experiencing. I really felt like I was over what happened, but I didn't get crazy like this until after all that. Maybe my subconscious is dealing with it by pushing it back, and somehow my hormones bring it to surface during my ovulation period? I don't know the science of any of this, I'm just guessing!

Well, I'm sorry this was so long! I just wanted to say hi, share my story, and hope that maybe I can get the therapy here, that I can't afford in a doctor's office. Just having someone understand helps a lot.

Nice to meet you all! ^___^

 

[Mina]

Hi, Madame Bunni, and welcome to the forum :hello: I'm sorry to hear you've been through such an ordeal, but glad you are out of the situation.

You mentioned God - are you at all involved in a church? I attend a large inter-denominational church, and I know they offer counseling services. Perhaps that would be a low or no cost option for you?

As far as hormones go, I don't have any great advice. You may very well be on the right track with thinking it's related to what happened to you. Our bodies have incredible memories, and the subconscious is capable of amazing (and bizarre) things, so just about anything is possible :crazy:

May you find this a place of help and healing. I wish you the best in your journey!

 

[Luthien]

It sounds to me like you might have Pre-menstrual Dysmorphic Disorder. PMDD.
It is most likely not related to your trauma at all, but just things in your body changing, possibly from the starvation you mentioned, or other homonal factors.

I would see a doctor. There are things they can prescribe for PMDD that are extremely helpful, and if it isn't PMDD, they'll have to look into what it might be, as it sounds serious..

I have PMDD, and am on Yasmin (a birth control pill) to regulate my hormones and help with the PMDD, and I literally feel this pill has saved my life. it is one that specifically helps with PMDD. I had the same symptoms you mentioned, and other symptoms as well..

I really recommend you seek medical advice for this, because I don't think anyone on here is going to be able to help you solve it if it is a hormonal imbalance.

'Hope you find some answers, and as a result, some relief.

Take Care.

 

[Looking4Peace]

I don't know that your menstrual cycle is causing all those things, but I do know that horomones can make already existing problems much worse! It has really helped me to learn this because I usually become very depressed just before I get mine every month. When I was younger, it was so bad that I ended up trying to commit suicide. I was already depressed and dealing with PTSD, but things got so much worse just before I was about to start my cycle each month. Now that I know that, it is a little easier for me to deal with those feelings because I know why I'm feeling them and that they will go away soon.

 

[JillyB]

Don't give up on yourself, It's not your fault. I'm so sorry for what you went through and glad to hear you are out of there.
It does sound like your hormones might be out of whack. Does the school you go to have any sort of medical for the students?

 

[Daisy_May]

I experience this as well, I'm a completely different person. An insane one.

I think your uterus stores sexual assault as a 'body memory'. One tip is to not fight it. Go with it. Listen to it, the pain, don't try and 'act normal', just lay in bed or go for a long long drive by yourself, cry as much as you need to, recognize your thoughts and note any that are shameful, or use 'always' and 'never'.. and know those voices are not rational, and you will be better soon.

It's like a trip to hell. I'm going through this right now. Frig.

 

[Daisy_May]

PS from all the research I've gathered, it's not the hormones but rather a change in the brain that receives the hormones.

 

[bluesky]

Hey and welcome!

i also go crazy for the two weeks between ovulation and menstruation. It only got really bad the past three years and is significantly bad now. I've had an ED since I was a teen and didn't have the damn things for a year, and when I got it back the pms just got worse and worse. I have mostly recovered, and I swear it's gotten worse since I've eaten 'normally'.


I think once your body has been through any ordeal including shock it struggles to cope. I have found vitamin E, B and evening primrose has been beneficial. I went on Yasmin and although I didn't have the PMS, my body retained fluid and I had too many bad body memory feelings. I am actually thinking of going back on it.

Other than that, I hope this forum is helpful!
bluesky

 

[anni]

You've had super replies so can't add except that if you can manage to concentrate long enough then, as simple as it sounds, try taking up running? Jogging, moving-forward, whatever- honestly- it helps hugely. I've read why and can't remember all of it so won't try-all I know is that when I can't because of an injury, etc. it's very, very much worse hormonally. The difference it makes is just amazing, that's all-maybe would help until you can get to a doc and/or T as finances improve later. I try every day ( when not injured! :) )-almost scared not to now. :)

 

[azsummergirl]

I totally agree with the possibility of PMDD.

There are medications that target that specifically. I think, from my own experiences with body memories, that it could be both, a physical condition with a psychological component.

In my case, I have had female problems, I believe that are from trauma memories, but they are still real physical things.

Sorry to hear about how disturbing this must be, I hope you can get some help soon,

Carrie