Lost Memory

[Beelady]

For the past 10 months I have been hoping to have some memory come back from the night I explained in my intro. I lost 20 minutes I believe and just have flashes of some intense things, no noise really. I want to know what was being said to me and I hate I don't know. I tried EMDR for a little while. Had a hard time with it so my therapist and I stopped. I had tried a new relationship and stopped thinking about this lost memory hoping that would help.

Any suggestions on how to get it back? Any thoughts if I ever will?

 

[Sideways]

Hey @Beelady
I know things are super-crap for you right now, but it's good to hear from you.

Little bit in the same boat - I know there's stuff still missing, big blanks. It makes me feel insecure, and I feel like, as awful as it is, surely I'm entitled to know my life story??

I do mostly talk therapy these days, and we can go for months without any movement at all, then I'll have a few weeks where a whole heap comes crashing in at once. It's like that on an endless cycle. My T assured me that it's just my subconscious making a decision about when I'm ready to process more, which can't really be predicted. Takes as long as it takes.

For me, that's frustrating as hell, because I want to get it out, get it processed and get on with my life. So far, no clue at all how to speed that process up. So for me, it could be a few more months and I'll have the complete picture, but I'm guessing it's more likely that it's gonna take *breathe girl* y e a r s:(

 

[Beelady]

AUGH

Like all of this is not hard enough, huh? I wish too I could get it all out so I can know and move on.

I kept the house a time capsule for 8-9 months. Started moving stuff recently. Heck, I just took the carpet Ben passed away on out of the house yesterday. For months I stood in our kitchen and saw his birthday cards, our wedding momentos and everything from the funeral. Next to where he did this. I am now excited to make our house MY house and clean. Soon I will actually clean haha but even that has been hard to do - I used to clean the floors every week. I really felt if I cleaned the floors I was erasing Ben.

Augh I really do hate this stuff. I am sorry you are going through not fun stuff. I appreciate responding to my ramblings and all - it really means a lot.

 

[Sideways]

Not at all - when I read your post, it gave me a smile to hear from you. But also because I know that for you to be able to even think about this stuff with everything going on - that's a really big deal.

Tough night last night, tough nights ahead, but we'll get there (even if we can't remember where "there" is just yet!!)

 

[Beelady]

hahaa!

Lately I went back to what I used to call "grief brain" - I drive aimlessly, always in the wrong direction lol and today I forgot my purse 3 times. Lock myself uot of the jeep - all kinds of fun stuff. This thing with Tim or it may be coming up on anniversaries has clouded my head, made me numb etc.

Yesterday I said goodbye to a friend I've known since I was 12. He was a good friend of my dads and he became good friends with Ben & I - we took him camping, out to eat etc. because he has been weak (cancer) for a few years. He passed last night and I feel nothing. I cried all day yesterday because Tim packed my stuff. Yet I could not feel anything saying Goodbye to Ray.
Head is so not right...

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Beelady
It's common actually

Your feelings are unstable right now

:hug: It will probably hit you later

 

[Beelady]

When I went to Rays viewing it hit me. He was a singer and they had his music playing. The the sting - it was held in the same place as my best friend./lil brothers service and my Dads viewing. That hurt too. Parking the vehicle brought back a lot of emotions.

Now I ache to be back with Tim. When I was with him I could focus on work, watch movies and didnt want to drink. Now as I am home alone I am fighting the drinking and just cannot focus on work. Been up most nights till the sun comes up and then sleep the morning away. Augh this sh*t sucks :(

I did read about narcissism last night and see eerily similar traits / events that I experienced with both Ben or Tim. or maybe I am reaching again. Either way, I miss the companionship and the good times with them.

 

[Sideways]

It's good to hear from you again @Beelady :)
Isolation is awful, any way you look at it. But when your head starts dwelling on all the good times with Tim, remember to do a quick reality check with yourself - there were some good times, but actually mostly it was a really nightmarish, abusive relationship.
As your head clears, and you move into a healthier place, there will be others, and you'll have a better chance at sifting out the duds.
Hang in there, we're rooting for you:)
*hmm, hope that's not just an Australian expression!*

 

[Beelady]

Thank you Ragdoll Circus :)

Took it easy this week. I think the anniversary stuff is hitting harder than I thought. My birthday this weekend. Then anniversary of Dad passing. All of the 1 year ago today stuff - I get waves of how I felt 1 year ago and it sure takes a toll. Feeling like I could fix our relationship, believing B would stop the bad stuff. Then getting married April 7 and then watching him die April 12. AUGH. The flashes of last year are a lot to deal with. I guess I need to be alone for this.

Hope you are doing ok. I appreciate you saying hello and rooting for me :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Beelady
I understand what you mean. I got hit hard also, and moved into some really old thought patterns
:hug:s I hope you get better soon :)