Relationship Loving A Man With Ptsd - Looking To The Future

[Seekinganswers81]

Hi,

I have been in a relationship with a man who has PTSD for six months now. When we first started dating, everything was roses and butterflies, I have never met a man who captivated me the way he does. He was very up front with me about who he was, a soldier who had done bad things and had PTSD, but despite the facts, I did not have the understanding of what he said. As long as I don't do anything wrong, i.e. ask a question the wrong way, ask too many questions, have a bad attitude or carry a bad mood home, things are fine, sugarcoat the truth, not tell him something. I also suffer from depression that started long before I met him.

I worry about our relationship alot, he tells me I should just let things be in the moment. If I ask for something, he says he feels like he is never enough for me. Everything was amazing at the beginning, so much attention and focus from him, constant affection. Then as time has passed (we moved in together after a month), the sex dropped, the touching and attention dwindled. Reading some other posts here, I see that what he does could be a form of withdrawing, burying himself in other things like computer games, etc. and that I should go find my own interests. It just makes me feel crazy, like I am unloved and forgotten.

I love this man, more than life, there have been a million outside signs that we both noticed and saw that said, "this is your soulmate"...but real life says that there are no happy endings, just hard work. What makes me the most angry is that I feel like I am failing him. We had our worst fight ever last night. I try to remember that he has PTSD and not escalate things or push his buttons, but I let my emotion, my stubbornness get the best of my judgement and at one point he was standing above me, breathing in a funny way, fists clenched and I snapped out of what I was feeling and realized that my pushing had triggered something bad for him. I have never worried about him hitting me, but I was scared for just that moment.

I feel like I am failing him. That no matter how hard I try, I just keep making things worse and worse. (He says I am trying to hard, and need to find a happy medium). I read the forums and realize I have it no-where near as rough as some. Yet I can't seem to let things be, be satisfied with how things are as I keep thinking back to how things where. It doesn't help that I've had several other relationships, all peaceful loving relationships. Re-reading this, I can plainly see that I've got my own issues that probably aren't helping...anyways, thanks for letting me vent.

If anyone has real practical advice on how to care for a partner with PTSD, how to care for one's self at the same time...how to find a healthy balance...I'd welcome the advice.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Knowing what his triggers are and trying not to hit them is a good start as he is likely in a red zone of anxiety and doesnt know what he's doing or saying when you hit them but with your depression and his combat PTSD which has its own challeges that i dont face with PTSD due to being raised in a Satanic cult but i think individual therapy AND couple therapy with the same therapist may a VERY good place to start as the more you understand him and he understands himself and the better controled both of your issues are the better everything will be. Im not sure if he can ger therapy outside of the VA or if you can, w/o being married, get help inside the VA but id research and make calls in that direction. Good luck to you and thank you for being willing to understand his issues and i myself has no one willing to do that for me; that in of itself helps.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

The key word for me right now is overstimulation, im really trying to reduce it, which can leave me not to be intrested in my mate as I can be. But you gotta factor in the "normal" stimulation that is out there for everybody in general too. But it's odd because I feel like part of the reason I seek intensity is because the PTSD deadened some of my feelings. So I will have to eat two cup cakes instead of one, & i will need to eat sweets, everyday. ect ect ect.. You can apply that to pretty much anything. Rock, meet hardplace.

 

[scout86]

As long as I don't do anything wrong, i.e. ask a question the wrong way, ask too many questions, have a bad attitude or carry a bad mood home, things are fine, sugarcoat the truth, not tell him something.

Does that really sound like the way a relationship should be? Does it sound like something most people would be up for, long term? To me, it sounds horrible. (And I have PTSD.)

(He says I am trying to hard, and need to find a happy medium).

That can be a very real thing, but I've begun to suspect that a lot of people have trouble understanding it. It seems like, for a lot of people, it's necessary to keep picking at something, thinking that they're "solving the problem" when it actually comes across as badgering. (That might not be what you're talking about.)

It's important, if you're going to make this work, that you be able to communicate. You BOTH have to be able to say what you need to say and hear what the other has to say. I really don't think you can make a relationship work, long term, by keeping your thoughts and feelings strictly to yourself. It doesn't seem like it would be worth the effort either.

Has he had any therapy to help him deal with PTSD?

 

[Fickleme]

Seekinganswers, it sounds like we are dating the same person almost exactly. I feel for you during your difficult times as I am going through the same. I hope you can find support here and feel some calm. I'm always available to talk if you need!

 

[Della]

Well sweetie, remember that it's not you OK? He has a sickness and he has to deal with it as best as he can. Our normal way of thinking is not that way for them. It's like reverse thinking. When they go through certain modes or things trigger their PTSD, sometimes that will draw back from you and stay quiet for days, weeks, or even months. When they get quiet like that, don't push or nag them because if you do, you will make maters worse and push them way until you agitate them to the point to where they do not like you or see you as a threat to them or the enemy. let him come around at his own pace and if he does, try not to be too hard on him ok because he already feels bad about a condition that he really can't control. Look for the up and down moods that comes with the PTSD and the sex spurts versus the dry spells for sex. He will act lovely one minute and then the next, his mood will change and it sometimes happens in minutes. Yes try to have positive or neutral conversations with him. Try to address topics in a calm way as this may help him to open up to you more to talk to you. Patience is the best way to go with PTSD sufferers. If you have trouble trying to do that, then maybe you should try to learn how to have it if you want to keep this man. Best of luck to you sweetie. :-)

 

[Justmehere]

Everything was amazing at the beginning, so much attention and focus from him, constant affection. Then as time has passed (we moved in together after a month), the sex dropped, the touching and attention dwindled.
Reading some other posts here, I see that what he does could be a form of withdrawing, burying himself in other things like computer games, etc. and that I should go find my own interests. It just makes me feel crazy, like I am unloved and forgotten.

It could be withdrawing. It could also be that the new honeymoon phase of the relationship has taken it natural course.

I feel like I am failing him. That no matter how hard I try, I just keep making things worse and worse. (He says I am trying to hard, and need to find a happy medium). I read the forums and realize I have it no-where near as rough as some. Yet I can't seem to let things be, be satisfied with how things are as I keep thinking back to how things where.

By how things were, you mean at the very beginning of the relationship?

I do get the strong sense that you really are disatisfied and trying to get back something that used to be, but isn't anymore. Its almost like you hope that if you were not failing him, then he would pour out all the affection again.

It doesn't help that I've had several other relationships, all peaceful loving relationships.

I think this is actually a very good thing. You have a very clear idea of what you are looking for in a relationship, perhaps what a healthy relationship can look and feel like, what you want to have again.

This relationship probably felt that way at first, and now, it's not like that. I get the sense that this relationship not being that way, you are blaming yourself for that fact.

The reality is, he is just not able or willing to have the same level of emotional or physical connection the same consistent basis he did, or that you were used to in other relationships. Soul mates or not, you can't change him or push him into being more than he is wiling or able to do.

Re-reading this, I can plainly see that I've got my own issues that probably aren't helping...anyways, thanks for letting me vent.

We all got issues. :)

Dating is all about exploring if the relationship, the other person, is a good fit for what you need. This is a very good time to be doing that before you become more committed to each other.

It also may be worthwhile to look into co-dependency. I'm not sure if that is happening here or not, but it does seem like your happiness is wrapped up in his well being or acceptance of you.

There may also be another pattern happening here that happens from time to time with PTSD sufferers who withdraw and their supporters. You are understandably feeling very hurt or anxious about the mini-abandonment you are experiencing with him not being really there for you like he was, and that makes you chase him/the relationship more, and he gets overwhelmed more and pulls away more, and you feel more abandoned, so you try even harder, and then he get overwhelmed more, he says stop trying so hard, and you feel confused and even more anxious/frustrated, and thus you try even harder.... and around and around the cycle goes.

The way out of that cycle? You have already identified it. Learning to take care of you, no matter what.

If anyone has real practical advice on how to care for a partner with PTSD, how to care for one's self at the same time...how to find a healthy balance...I'd welcome the advice.

They are in balance with each other, and often times, they are the same thing. One of the best ways supporters can support is to have their own support and to take good care of themselves. That helps the sufferer too. It makes you stronger and more able to be there for him.

It's also important to balance that with telling the sufferer what you need and want in a relationship. Be gently clear and direct. Then see how he responds. Some can meet the needs a partner has, some can't.

It's important to accept them for who they are, and making a choice about if the relationship as they are right now, as if they will never change, and evaluate if it is the right fit for you. Staying in a relationship based on the hope that it will change isn't fair to the sufferer or you. It tends to set up both parties for a world of resentment down the road - something you may both be experiencing already.

This doesn't mean don't ever make your needs and wants known - not at all. It's important to do that. It's balancing that with knowing that in the end, the only person you have any ability to change is you. You can ask for what you need and want from him, the change is up to him.

So are managing his own triggers and symptoms. You can't do it for him, not even if you tried.

What makes me the most angry is that I feel like I am failing him. We had our worst fight ever last night. I try to remember that he has PTSD and not escalate things or push his buttons, but I let my emotion, my stubbornness get the best of my judgement and at one point he was standing above me, breathing in a funny way, fists clenched and I snapped out of what I was feeling and realized that my pushing had triggered something bad for him. I have never worried about him hitting me, but I was scared for just that moment.

I don't care what buttons you push, PTSD or not, he is responsible for his behavior and for managing how he responds to having buttons pushed. Even if you do it intentionally, and I'm not sure you did, he's still responsible for managing his response. There is no way on planet earth any human being could be in relationship with a PTSD sufferer and never push any buttons. People inevitably push each other buttons in every relationship. In PTSD, it comes with added layers of reactivity, and the sufferer has to be given the full responsibility to manage his reactions, set boundaries he needs, etc etc. It's not on you. It's not your fault he acted in a scary way.

Only your behavior is your responsibility and it sounds like you maybe were falling apart out of feeling so abandoned by him and not getting what you used to have and really need and want now.

It is concerning he acted in a manner that scared you. Please don't blame you and please do not take on the responsibility for what happened for him - it's not yours and it's not helpful to him for you to even try.

I suggest having a conversation with him when things are calm about what happened, how it scared you, and to set boundaries about what is and isn't ok with you. Even if it's all a PTSD symptoms, this is ok to say this behavior is not ok with me. Don't just stuff it or ignore it until it explodes for you both.

And remember, you can't change him. If he isn't willing or able, then you have to accept who he is, what he is willing or able to do, and decide if it is enough. Don't keep trying to change him into being enough if this all isn't enough. You are both just going to keep getting really frustrated. Evaluate and decide based on the experiences you have had, just as he is now.

In the end, that's how you take care of you and figure out how to best support him. Sometimes it means staying, sometimes it means staying with stronger boundaries and clearer communication, and sometimes it means walking away.

 

[Friday]

I feel like I am failing him. That no matter how hard I try, I just keep making things worse and worse. (He says I am trying to hard, and need to find a happy medium).

1) His triggers aren't your responsibility, don't take them on. We are each of is responsible for our own triggers, just like we're responsible for our tempers, and everything else. There is no way on planet earth to avoid triggering someone with PTSD. It will happen. Period. You don't have to be a dick and deliberately trigger someone, that's just cruel, but walking on eggshells is pointless. Triggers happen. More to the point, IME, is how the both of you respond when he does get triggered.

2) You can't fix him. You can't make him happy. IE you can't "fail" him. He will have PTSD whether he's in a relationship with you, or not. If you think/hope being in a relationship with you will squish all his broken pieces back together again? It won't.

As long as I don't do anything wrong, i.e. ask a question the wrong way, ask too many questions, have a bad attitude or carry a bad mood home, things are fine...

So these are some of his boundaries, what he need/wants in a partner. Are they something you can live with and be happy with? At the moment, it doesn't sound like it. It's not that asking too many questions, or using a certain tone, or having a bad attitude, or coming home all pissed off is wrong, it's that it's something he doesn't want in his life / in a partner. A different person (with or without PTSD) may find the exact same things sexy, or of no mind. While someone else (with or without PTSD) may find some of those things sexy or not be bothered by them, and the other half absolutely intolerable.

Dating is all about lining these things up, ya know? What we love, what we like, what we're not bothered by, what we don't like, and what we cannot stand/will go toe to toe over (either it changes or we break up).

Everything was amazing at the beginning, so much attention and focus from him, constant affection. Then as time has passed (we moved in together after a month), the sex dropped, the touching and attention dwindled.

Aaaaaaand these are some of your need/wants in a partner. So just like the 2 of you will be negotiating the things he wants (coming home in a good mood barring exceptional circumstance, generally having a good attitude, what tone of voice you use when asking him something, how many/ what kind of questions are asked of him when/where, etc.) , so too, negotiating the things you want; sounds like you have a higher libido than he does, can that be squared? Attention & focus, what levels/kinds/etc. Physical contact. Etc.

***

Both of you have unmet need/wants. Can you two line things up so you're both happy? This is that time period when dating, where you figure that stuff out. Honeymoon is over. Time to sort logistics / see if something can be long term or not.

 

[scout86]

I don't care what buttons you push, PTSD or not, he is responsible for his behavior and for managing how he responds to having buttons pushed.

I totally agree with that.

There can be a point in a disagreement when I KNOW that I need to walk away if I don't want to lose my temper. (And I typically don't want to lose my temper.) Now and then, a SO will decide that letting me walk away at that point is not acceptable. If I say, "I need a break, I can't talk about this any more right now." They'd better let me walk away. I try to be responsible for my triggers and my temper, but I also need the need for time outs to be respected. My T says time outs in that situation are fine, but the people involved also need to agree on a "time in" procedure. (His suggestion is that who ever calls "time out" also calls "time in" but they really do have to do it.)

I'm not saying that's something you do, just pointing it out because I think it's something that sometimes causes problems.

 

[shimmerz]

As long as I don't do anything wrong, i.e. ask a question the wrong way, ask too many questions, have a bad attitude or carry a bad mood home, things are fine,

I wouldn't want this. This is asking for you not to be human. Have you spoken to him about this?