Loving Sex And Flashbacks / Intrusive Thoughts

[cookie]

same boat, here. let me know if you find a magic answer. it is important to tell your husband about your feelings, so he doesn't feel rejected.
cathy

 

[mightsurvive]

Thank you Don

What you have said and suggested is ever so true. I want to give those ideas a go. I really do. But I'm so bad at opening up to anyone. I tried to open up to him last week and it didnt go well at all so the thought of opening up even more to him just makes me want to say "no - no way".

Maybe that is something that will change with time though. I really do hope so. It's just not an option right now unfortunately. But I will flag this post and look at it when one day I am feeling more confident about talking to him so please know that I am ever so grateful for your ideas and comments. It means a lot. Especially to hear it from a man's perspective.

Thanks again and take care.

 

[2Peanut]

Hmmm - im so frustrated.

But that is starting to change now and i dont know why. All i can think of is "i dont want this" But its not sex with my hubby that i dont want - its the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts during it. Does that make sense? put up with the flash backs during sex or i will lose him. Either way im the loser agian.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Sorry just had to get that out.

It makes a lot of sense. I'm dealing with that as well, in that I don't want intimate relationships because it might bring up memories of past abuse.

 

[madjon]

heres some thoughts, not communicating leads to unknown things which in turn leads to doubts and fears, you need communication, feeling rejected unwanted or feeling like being attracted to your partner is somehow a problem can all be feelings that come up when your partners are working through the things they have to deal with when you are going through things, the best way forward is communication talking and understanding, sex isnt just about a physical release, it also involves a fair bit of closeness, all i can say is talk to your partner about the troubles you are having, if they can understand what is going on it makes a big difference, knowing that the reaction they may see and what you are going through dont mean they are being rejected can mean a lot, staying close but working together to understand what is going on is something that will help, hiding it and saying nothing only makes it harder to talk about and to communicate what is going on, and also a lack of communication leads to more problems and fears.
just a few thoughts.

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya Cathy

Sorry to hear your in the same boat. Hard isnt it (rhetorical question). Its good to know that I'm not the only one who has this problem. Not that I thought I was for a minute. You never are on this site. But it helps to have it confirmed that what you are going through is normal sometimes.

One thing I have found though, is that if you have sex in the morning then it is over quicker and so less flash backs / intrusive thoughts.

Hope that helps.

Take care

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya 2peanut

So sorry to hear you are going through this too. You are definitely not alone here. Keep your eyes peeled on this thread because theres already been so many good points raised and ideas. Hope you find something that helps.

If you are not in a relationship and want to start one then any decent person should be able to understand that you want to take things slow... very slow. If they can't understand that then they arent worth it in my opinion and you deserve better.

Take care

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya Madjon

Thank you for your post again.

...can all be feelings that come up when your partners are working through the things they have to deal with when you are going through things

Unfortunaltely my partner is probably in denial about the PTSD and does not seem to think that it something that we need to cope with. I'm not saying he doesnt care. He really does. He wants to help. But he doesnt understand that what I'm going through is normal. So talking about it just doesnt get me anywhere. He thinks it is possible to "just put it all behind you". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Don't seem to be able to convince him that it doesnt work like that.

the best way forward is communication talking and understanding..... if they can understand what is going on it makes a big difference

I agree whole heartedly with that statement. I really do. But how do you do that when he doesnt want to understand more about what I am going through? How do I get the confidence up to talk about it when almost all I have experienced when I have told people about my trauma is rejection and disbelief? I want to be honest and open but I just cant take any more rejection. Its going to take time for me to try and rebuild my self esteem enough to do that. Maybe one day.

hiding it and saying nothing only makes it harder to talk about and to communicate what is going on, and also a lack of communication leads to more problems and fears.

True, so true. But I can't open up no matter how much I want to talk about it. I've had 13 plus years of keeping my cards close to my chest so I guess that its ingrained in me now. Maybe my counsellor can help to change that slowly. I hope so.

I'm not dismissing what you are saying at all Jon. You make so much sense and I want you to know that. I just dont seem to be able to do it no matter how much I want to. I'm sure that if my counsellor can help me with opening up then I will find that I can take action on what you have advised. So again thank you ever so much. Your words will not be wasted.

Take care

 

[madjon]

if he doesnt understand maybe he should talk to those who do, point him towards the partners forum section on aest.org.uk it may give him something to think about and people to talk to if hes open enough to talk, doesnt mean you dont have to talk, just may be he will understand more if he talks to others who have the same things to understand and deal with, anyways hope it is of use,

 

[mightsurvive]

Hi Jon
I'm afraid that I have already tried that and he shot the idea right out of the sky. He doesnt want to try the info section or the carers section. I was gutted about that - not because he said no but because of what he said about ptsd. Thats why I dont think I can talk to him. Its going to take too much guts that I havent got to try that again. I think I need to give him time to get used to the idea that PTSD wont just go away that easly.

 

[madjon]

well it was worth mentioning, hope things go well with you, and he comes round at some point, some people try to hold on to things which arent there such as a belief things go away if you dont acknowledge them, anyways i hope things go well with you and you can both move on from this point of lack of acknowledgement soon,

 

[WorkingThruIt]

After our last fight about sex, I was looking for a book to buy her about PTSD. She called me the next day and said that she went out and purchased PTSD for Dummies. I know there are other suggestions in the book thread by Anthony. Perhaps you could encourage him to educate himself in another way. A website with people with issues he doesn't understand may be a little too daunting for him.
My girlfriends attitude has changed some since she started reading the book.

 

[nezer]

Hi mightsurvive... This is my first post.

Your name is very insightful about your current state of mind. The irony is, of course, that you already have survived. It's tempting to see PTSD and the trauma event as different, but really they are all one and the same.

However, holding this awareness still doesn't make it just go away. I think it can take a long time for that part of our "brain" to get and accept that message. In fact, to me it feels as if I am having to use the higher-functioning parts of the brain to plant and nurture that seed of truth in the lower-functioning part. I believe this is the polar opposite of how our brains and survival-intelligence (and all of us has very strong survival intelligence; after all you are reading this) are designed to work in normal circumstances. This simply takes time and an insane amount of effort but I believe it is doable. If I didn't I would have killed myself (and I think most people reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about). In fact, I have already seen amazing progress even if a large part of me wants more.

All I can really say is that I'm sorry he is so dismissive. It is very hard for someone who hasn't experienced this to understand. It might be impossible. However, understand or not, at seems as if his lack of acceptance of your experience is damaging to you and possibly a trigger. Unfortunately he can be the only one to investigate where that comes from. Probably the best thing you can do is explain how important it is that he respects your experiences even if he doesn't understand them. Conversely, it is also equally important that you accept his experiences as his reality.

Both my wife and myself are dealing with PTSD currently. It's been a long hard road for both of us. It is most helpful, if both of you are willing, to seek a couples therapist that has a fair amount of experience in dealing with trauma patients. However, this means that both of you will need to work on issues both independently as well as together. The reality is that you are already doing this but probably not in the most healthiest of ways. This is where a therapist is a massive asset.

I hope this helps. Writing this really helps me keep my eyes open and look more objectively at my situation.

Hang in there. The bad stuff will work itself through. It takes patience with yourself and acceptance of yourself but the good minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years will come in time. As hard as this has been for me, it has been helpful to think of it as nothing more than a growing process. Uncomfortable for sure but I *know* I'll come out of this a stronger person. In many ways my pain is a gift to even have in the first place--I could be dead. I'm thankful I'm not even if it means I have to suffer through some crap.

Life (or perhaps some higher force) as taught me that suffering comes from within, that it is always temporary and it is a necessary component of our humanity and perhaps even life itself. I had this realization when I was on the verge of committing suicide. It was, quite honestly, my first step on this long journey of healing.