Low point

[Pauline]

I am getting therapy two times a week I think I am having flashbacks from my sexual abuse everything is really hard and confusing for me right now, everything seems constant and irritating and I'm self sabotaging everything in my life I have a self harming addiction and every time I see a young girl I burst into tears and regress back into a younger version of myself and the pain and grieve I feel is unbearable I still don't know who sexually abused me I have no jobs no friends and no money everything is so wrong the only thing I am doing is sticking to my appointments therapy each week I feel so unstable and I don't want to give up my self harm I just am trying to for my mothers sake as she cried and she's cried twice now I can't bear her sadness everything is a mess I hate this
I am trying to walk everyday do some yoga and tai chi but nothing gets rid of the self harming or wanting to be a younger girl or the sadness of wanting to be a younger girl away and I feel I will never get better has any other survivor experiences this or does anyone have advice or input it's just so hard X

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now @Pauline . You are doing so well though I know you are suffering. You are killin' it right now P, doing yoga, going to therapy and resisting harming yourself. That is enough for the toughest man or woman. Please go easy on yourself as you process trauma, lots of self-care if you are able.

 

[Pauline]

Thank you I don't really like the person I've become through all this I don't know how I got so dark I don't know what fully happened to me my abuse is buried deep but it's effecting my present I want to change my current self harm patterns and myself and I want clarity and full answers I hate this extreme dissociation and wanting to feel younger it's not fair and really disturbed and painful I have been going through this since I was sixteen and it's so unbelievable and hard I just want a light at the end of the tunnel with my issues and I'm not getting one X

 

[VioletButterfly]

What do you feel like you could do that would be gentle and comforting with yourself right now that would center you in the present? How could you show yourself compassion? When you have a flare-up, could you hug yourself or a special stuffed animal or real animal, fix a cup of tea, go to a special/peaceful place, walk in nature, or does drawing or writing bring you peace.....?

I've been dealing with this for a long time, and it's been the seeking and finding of how I can be kind with myself that has made any sort of difference. I'm way back on the trail, but awareness and credit for trying to help myself has seemed to help when I can get there. I have sensed my wanting to go back into a child-state in the past few days due to stressors, and have allowed a bit, but I understand that the "wise" part of my being needs to run the show. I check in with how little VB is doing and comfort her. It's important to try to stay connected.

I, too, have repressed memories that I'm trying to keep in Pandora's Box; they're not too cooperative. I had a horrible T who pressed, pushed, coerced to her preferred end of determining answers. This did a lot of harm that I'm still trying to work out. A fellow traveler told me that my mind would release to me what it thought I was ready to handle. Sometimes, I've foudn that in pressing in, stuff pops up more intensively and I have a horrible time with intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. You mentioned that you're having flashbacks as well. Have you asked your T about what would help you better cope or is it that therapy maybe needs to change course so as to be less upsetting right now? Not sure. Just my thoughts. Stabilization and support first as a safety concern, if possible.

Hoping the best for you. Take care. VB