Lying In Therapy

[Suzetig]

So, I've been working with my therapist for nearly 3 years, and she's great. Right at the start of our work, I wasn't wholly honest about a piece of work I was involved in - I was seeing her for issues about my work and she made an assumption about what I did and I didn't correct her. Not a big deal initially, but that has meant that all the way along there's one fairly significant area of my "stuff" that I've not been able to talk to her about - because then she'd know I lied.

Lying is a huge issue for me and there's a lot of shame for me that I've not been honest with her. That coupled with some of my trauma relating to very harsh punishment for wrongdoing when I was young means this is pressing every button I have.

Anyway, I really feel like I want to tell her the truth, but I'm scared to. I don't know how she'll react - I'm scared she'll be angry with me, I feel so deeply ashamed that I've done this and regardless of how she actually responds, I feel like I can't even look at her just now. I actually want to put it all in an email to her, send it and never see her again. There's another part of me that thinks she might know but is waiting for me to be ready to tell her - and I know on some level it'll be good for me to get to the point of clearing the air between us. And will strengthen our relationship and will give me the experience of doing something wrong without being annihilated. Maybe.

Anyway I also feel ridiculous in many ways, I'm a mature, professional woman and this brings me to tears when I think about it. And I can't see her till next week so rather than sit and stew on it, I thought I'd bring it here.

Don't know if any of you can relate, have words or wisdom or feel like kicking my arse into gear but I don't know a better bunch to dump this with...

 

[Silver.]

I have kept information from my therapists, perhaps not to the extent that you have (as in duration of time). So I can relate to how you are feeling with shame and embarrassment. You have had her for 3 years now, I think it sounds like you two have a good level of trust, and I feel she would be open to you revealing your truth. Perhaps when you do tell her, preface it with your feelings about not revealing it sooner, so she understands your feelings when she takes into account how she will respond.
I also think if you felt brave and strong enough to share it here, then you are brave and strong enough to share it with her. No ass kicking today, just a gentle prodding x

 

[scout86]

I can relate. Haven't done that with my T, but I can sure imagine doing it and I'd feel much as you do.

If this was him and me, I'd probably begin with "have you ever had a client lie to you?" I'm sure he has. LOL But then we can talk about his reaction to that and I can decide if it seems safe to continue. (And it will most likely be safe, even if it's scary.)

 

[Sandstone]

It must have been painful and difficult to monitor all you said for consistency with her mistaken assumption. Can you motivate yourself by looking forward to a time when you don't have to check yourself before saying anything?

I can't predict her reaction, but I can tell you that every time I have been afraid of anger from a T, it hasn't materialised. Instead I've had empathetic understanding of my fear.

 

[anonymous]

Why did you lie?

And really, in the grand scheme of things, does it matter?

 

[sugnim]

I think we have all probably let a few un-truths slide by in therapy. Could you possibly print out your post here and show it to your therapist? I'm sure your therapist would most likely understand. And it would probably be very relieving to get this off of your chest.

 

[Suzetig]

The thing is, I know she'll be empathic and kind and will see it as a sign of growth that I've brought it to her, it would just be much easier for me if she would be angry about it because I know how to cope with people being angry. I really struggle to accept care or concern from people, especially her - it's been a constant battle for me to allow her close enough to do any kind of work and I don't think I deserve kindness with this.

As to why I lied? At the time it seemed easier not to correct her, it made me look better and I was very fragile. I didn't realise at the start that we'd be here x years down the line and what wasn't a big deal at all in a short term superficial relationship feels a much bigger deal in the context of our work together now. Some of that's my stuff around honesty and integrity but some of it is about me feeling I've been very disrespectful to someone who doesn't deserve that.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

So, you didn't actually lie, you just never corrected her. I see no reason to be ashamed. I think she'll understand. :hug:

 

[Suzetig]

Ah but since then I've lied, a lot, to cover up the fact that I didn't correct her. There's a whole chunk of my life stuff that I've had to manipulate to be able to talk about it in therapy without saying "you know how you thought X, well actually.." To give you some idea - it's akin to T thinking you're married when you aren't even in a relationship, meeting someone you want to be with but then not being able to say anything about the person because your T thinks your married already... Not the situation exactly but that kind of thing.

Yes part of me will be glad to not be caught up in it anymore but I feel so stupid about it!

 

[jaccat]

What @C j said. I don't see it as lying, just a misunderstanding.

I've done exactly the same. My T has somehow 'got the wrong end of the stick' about sonething and I haven't corrected her. For me, having to correct her is excruicatingly embarrassing, so I automatically way up in my mind whether it matters. Probably it does, but my anxiety tells me otherwise. Then, the later it gets, the harder it is to come clean. But, when I have managed to set things straight, I feel much better afterwards.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Ok, I still think if you explain why you did it though, she'll understand your reason/s. I can see that it's really tough for you though, but still think it'll be alright.

 

[rainbow1]

I've lied to T before, right at the start I lied about my previous T because I was too ashamed to tell him the truth. But, I think it was maybe 4/5months later I finally told him. I just said it all outright to him (through tears and hyperventilating) and apologised and at the time it felt horrible and i was waiting for the punishment but he just talked to me about it and was really understanding.

Yes, it will probably feel horrible and terrifying but once its all dealt with you will probably feel so much better. Email might be a good way to approach it if you feel it would let you explain things clearly.