Major Hissy Fit

[Upside Down Eagle]

Wow. I encountered my dad a week ago or so (he's visiting my country with his new wife and his new kids) and as usual, he teared up with emotion when he saw me, but I just felt numb. Seven years I have attempted to repair the connection between me and my parents after what they did to me (yeah, I'm insane for trying), but whenever I see them personally I'm not able to give a flying... you know.

When I came home, the usual happened. First, I felt conflicted, then irritated, then angry. I have been bubbling with anger for the last week, but I have also been happy. I get angry, but I am able to let it go when the anger is over. Today the anger finally exploded, in this major tantrum that seemed to happen out of nowhere (maybe related to some medication I took this morning).

I threw everything around. I destroyed my keyboard and my mouse (for that reason I keep spare! -I know myself that well), raged and yelled and cursed, and howled with total flaming hatred for those horrible people who bothered to put me on this earth and then completely ruined my childhood and my brain. Then I calmed down. Decided I should write my landlord about the noise I was making (they live in the same house).

I hate admitting to them that I'm making noise, I hate admitting that I'm not "a normal tenant". But I can't deny that I'm sort of crazy when I make this sort of noise. In the worst case scenario they could call the cops on me because I scare them (I'm scary when I get this way), and in also a very bad scenario they could kick me out on the street or give me some kind of ultimatum to find a new place (which would suck).

So I told them I'd been messed with badly in my childhood and I told them I was sorry sometimes I lose control, and also that I would never harm anybody in my environment. But that sometimes I just need to throw stuff. And scream a litte. Geez, it's f....cking scary to write such a confession to people that essentially hold the right to decide whether I can live here or not.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi Radise,

I hope you are still on the boards. So sorry you didn't get a reply, like at all. And so sorry for your pain.

Are things going a bit better since the visit?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Radise, are you seeing a therapist? If so, have you talked to him/her about your fits of rage? If not, I highly suggest getting on.

Situations such as you describe put your ability to find and keep adequate housing for yourself. You must take action to prevent getting to the point where you can be arrested for disturbing the peace, or are evicted, or sued. You don't need those problems.

Also, are you on medication? Some medication may increase aggressive or self-harm behaviors.

Hang in there.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for the answers :) I have been seeing a therapist, for five years, but last December she told me that she couldn't help me anymore. So I was off theraphy for a while, then tried contacing one EMDR therapist -I didn't trust her. I found a new EMDR therapist now, and will be making an appointment with her soon. I hope it helps...

I use seroquel, it helps sometimes when the anger gets completely out of control. I could also get some hash in the coffeeshop for extreme situations, the downside to that is that I tend to smoke everything when I have some "lying around"...

The funny thing is that the episodes of rage seem to get shorter with time (I get over it faster) but they also seem more intense... which can be quie scary and indeed, a threat to my own housing... it makes me aware that PTSD really is a disease (sometimes I think it's "just me"), because when I'm not having one of these fits, I can see very clearly again...

Things are a bit better now, thanks for asking. I went on a week holiday to Croatia, helped me gain some perspective...!

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm glad things are better for you. Angry people destroying property in adjoining apartments can be very traumatizing to the neighbors, especially any children or others with PTSD.

It's good you're seeking healthier, more appropriate self-compassionate outlets for your pain.