Dom Violence Married man

[Nia]

I started talking to a married man about two years ago. At first, I thought he was seperated. He was 46 and I was 22. I became pregnant and things were good at first. I continued the relationship and he did as well. He was at the birth and gave my son his last name. His family still didn't know any of this. After awhile I realized I didn't want to be committed to a guy who wanted me to be only with him but he went home to his wife every night. He caught me talking to my ex and was real hysterical. That passed and other guys came popping back into my life. Recently he began hitting me everytime he finds me talking to someone else. Today, he lost his cool and beat me up outside my apartment complex. He says if he can't have me no one else can. I told him I wanted to end this but its now out of hand. He has my security code and key. I don't want him to have to go to jail for the sake of his other children, his job, and his wife. What do I do? I am now fearing for my life.

 

[EveHarrington]

Call the police and get a restraining order.

Having kids and a family doesn't get you a free pass to do whatever you want.

Chances are that he's beating up on his wife and/or kids.

Sending him to jail could save them!

But for future reference, I've found that a LOT of married men lie online. They tell you they're single, or "about to" become separated. It's such a chore, and the main reason I've stopped socializing online.

 

[Fadeaway]

@EveHarrington is right! You could be saving his children's life from violence. Plus you need to look out for your child first and foremost before worrying about other peoples children.

 

[Kintsugi]

Plus you need to look out for your child first and foremost before worrying about other peoples children.

A-f*cking-men.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Definitely call the police! I am so sorry to hear this! Hope you're safe!

 

[Helper]

You should get a restraining order that way he won't go to jail and if you can ask your landlord to change the security code and key, if he goes to jail he deserves it.;)goodluck also trying taking women self defence clases.uou shouldn't stand for something like that

 

[leslie82]

I started talking to a married man about two years ago. At first, I thought he was seperated. He was 46 and I was 22. I be...

Married guys are never a good idea. I was with a married guy once. He was not abusive - but I regret it because he was my best friend at first. We did talk for awhile after but I haven't heard from him in a couple years and it sucks.

But despite the fact this guy is married - you need to get away from him asap. No one should be abused.

First thing - go report the abuse to the police. Second get a protection order. Third get your security code and key changed. Tell your landlord or leasing office he's not allowed. Some states you can get an order that stays at the office he's not allowed there.

Forget his other children and his wife. HE doesn't care about them because he's been having an affair, had a child no one knows about and he's beating you. Do you think his wife would stay with him and keep the children there if she knew? No. His kids and wife shouldn't be near him. If he's hitting you, he's probably hitting her. He deserves to go to jail and lose all that. That's not your problem. He lied to you and now he's abusing you.

He also has no rights over your child because you are unmarried. So you can keep that kid from him and he has to go to court to establish his paternity to even get visitation. Let him threaten you. You actually have all the power and he has none in this case.

 

[Casey_03]

He was at the birth and gave my son his last name.

Is he on the birth certificate? That's pretty important. If he is, he has paternal rights and that will make this a million times harder for you.

I don't want him to have to go to jail for the sake of his other children, his job, and his wife.

Would you rather end up letting yourself get killed by him? Cause that's a very real possibility. The tragic thing is so many women in domestic violence situations think it won't escalate, that each incident of violence is just an isolated thing and the guy will calm down and things will be fine. Statistically, that's never true. And it's more likely that he will escalate and catch you off guard. Now is not the time for pity -- this guy has f*cked over his wife and kids, he's f*cked over you and your kid, and he will do more damage. Call the police, and at the very least get a damn restraining order. Unless you want to be the next woman mentioned on the news for turning up dead after a "domestic incident", or God forbid, your kid does. (Do you think he wouldn't harm your son? Cause from what you describe it sounds like he's definitely capable of that)

He also has no rights over your child because you are unmarried.

If he's on the birth certificate, he does have paternal rights, doesn't matter if they're married. It's not clear to me from the post if he's on it or not, but I suspect the "he gave my son his last name" part might mean he is on it. Which would be disastrous.

 

[leslie82]

Is he on the birth certificate? That's pretty important. If he is, he has paternal rights and that wil...

No he doesn't just because he's on the birth certificate. That's one step - but legally for a man to get rights if he is unmarried to the mother he has to establish his paternity in court. Then they will order a DNA test to confirm, they will start a child support order and visitation will be sorted out. IF a man doesn't do any of this, then legally he has no rights to see his child.

Giving a child someone's last name doesn't necessarily mean anything either. I've spent a lot of time on legal forums and have seen these situations posted. I have searched it. If you look it up, unmarried men have no rights to a child until they establish their paternity in court. If they have an Acknowledgment of Paternity signed and birth certificate it helps. That's just one step. So if he hasn't filed to establish paternity yet she doesn't have to let him near that kid. I would bet that he hasn't because no one in his family knew he got someone else pregnant. Not even his wife and kids. So I highly doubt he ran to the courthouse and filed for paternity.

 

[Fadeaway]

@leslie82 I am not sure who told you that, and maybe it is different in different states, but in my experience they do not have to prove paternity if you put the name on the birth certificate, only if if the mother didn't add the fathers name.

 

[leslie82]

@leslie82 I am not sure who told you that, and maybe it is different in different...

Lawyers have told me that. If a man is on the birth certificate he is the presumed father or putative father but until he establishes his rights in court legally he is not the father. The only way that a man is legally the father immediately is if he is married to the mother when the child is born - even if that child is biologically not his.

Example:My mom had an affair for 12 years of my parents marriage. From when I was 5 - 18. My youngest brother is the result of it but no one knew for sure until the divorce. My dad has always been his legal father as he was married to my mother when he was born. My brother changed his last name when he turned 18. But legally my dad is still his father because the sperm donor never challenged it and he could have. Biologically my dad isn't his dad but legally he is.

My brother and his girlfriend have been together five years. My nephew will be 3. She just filed for child support because of a very strange reason. Not because she thought he'll leave - no. He made a comment that she interpreted as him calling her fat and freaked out he "might" leave her but he d't even say that. His name is on the birth certificate - but if they broke up and he doesn't go to court to file his paternity she legally has no obligation to give him visitation until there's a court order.

My ex husband's oldest son - he had a paternity test. He has a child support order - he has no visitation in writing because he never went to court. The mom can move him out of the state or country and doesn't have to ask him.

So my point is the OP has the power because legally he has no custody, he has no visitation and he won't until he goes to court.

 

[Casey_03]

IF a man doesn't do any of this, then legally he has no rights to see his child.

Absolutely not true in my state, not at all. I'm in the middle of my own custody battle and have spoken to at least three separate lawyers who have all said the opposite. A court advocate told me the same thing.

Who knows, maybe it does differ from state to state. But I was told the opposite of all this. That a man DOES have paternal rights if he's on the birth certificate. He can even prevent the child from traveling/getting a passport if his name is on the birth certificate (I know this from recent personal experience).

His name is on the birth certificate - but if they broke up and he doesn't go to court to file his paternity she legally has no obligation to give him visitation until there's a court order.

In my state, this is not true. She can get away with not giving him visitation, and he may very well have to go to court to get it in writing and make visitation rights official, but blocking access will be held against her in court later. What you're describing is women not allowing access and getting away with it -- that doesn't mean the man doesn't have paternal rights. It's dangerous to say that, because it will be held against the mother later if she believes she can legally bar access simply because the man hasn't gone to court.

There's a difference between not having paternal rights and simply not seeking visitation.