Me And My Kids

[anthony]

Me And My Kids

As a result of my own actions and stupidity in life, some due to PTSD, though I am still responsible for my own decisions... I know my relationship with my children have suffered as a result. PTSD, two ex-wives as a result, kids to both and every relationship has suffered.

My kids are here with me now on an access visit for 10 days, and I feel frustrated from them. I love them very much, but I really do feel quite frustrated. I know that I actually could not cope nowadays being a full-time parent... the stress from kids around is just too much for me. So in a way my last divorce was good for me, and I won't be having any more kids with my new wife.

As she took them quite some distance away, I get to see them 3 times a year.... which is hard on them and hard on me and my wife. I love them, yet are frustrated by them at the same time. This then drives my own anxiety and symptoms back out again and the cycle revolves.

Venting I guess...

 

[Charon]

Nothing wrong with venting, sometimes writing things out helps you get a better handle on things because you can actually put words to what you're feeling. I wish I had some good advice for you but I don't have any kids and never had to deal with the stress of children or marriage.

I sometimes wonder about the children of vets. I have a few friends whose father's were in Vietnam and the thing that always surprises me is that they seem very understanding of what their fathers went through and they know that war does change men.

 

[anthony]

Yer... I know I have made some mistakes as a result of operations and military career, with my children. I have a teenage son who turned 18 this year, yet I see some of the issues I had within him... drinking being one, treating women like shit another he seemed to adopt. I did this for a while in my life, when I had this and didn't know it... explained a lot after knowing, but that was too little, too late after the fact. I have tried telling him that things he seen me do and the way I had treated women in the past, was wrong, yet he seemed to have developed some traits and must now learn the hard way unfortunately. He is waiting to get into the Navy at the moment, so not sure how a military career on top of his already high self esteem is going to go with women and alcohol.

Thank goodness that my little one's aren't old enough to pickup those mistakes... and now I have changed my own ways, they won't see such nastiness and abuse for their own habitual purposes. Hopefully steer them in more correct ways and let them adopt their own approach.

 

[Jimmy1]

Its not their fault

What can I say about children.
I only have three children of my own (that I know of, hehe), but six all up that call me Dad.
I love them all just the same and none of them deserve my anger outburst, my moodiness, or anything. But on the other side of the coin, they do try to push boundaries but that is part of growing up.

I hold a lot of guilt (well my counsellor told me to change that word to regret), on returning from down town Baghdad I was medically downgraded and sent home because I simply could not function.

My marriage turned to shit but my son chose to stand by me, he was nine then.

I made a huge mistake and borrowed thousands of dollars and just drank and gambled to fill the void and hopefully find answers. This was replaced later by the green illegal leafy substance that can grown naturally in your back yard.
I don't do any of these things now. Have not touched a drop or gambled in 18 months, and have not smoked that mind numbing crap for over two months.

The thing that hurt the most was the hole in my wallet and the attention I did not pay to my son. He did not deserve any of this.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you would not know he was 12 if you met him.

He has had to mature beyond his time and whether you believe it or not, understands PTSD more than anyone can imagine.

I sent him to counselling myself, and at one stage he was almost taken off me because of my neglect.
That alone changed my life forever and now I don't drink, gamble, or do drugs and would give my life for him and any of my children. They are the silent sufferers and we forget this sometimes and just feel pitty for ourselves.
:(

 

[anthony]

Yep... I went through that stage and didn't have a clue as to why. When I feel apart after return from Timor 99... kicked the wife out and so on... I went on a drinking and spending spree for a while myself. Racked up about $10k in debt which I then had to pay off. Stupid, but got it sorted out eventually. Can't say I didn't have a good time, because I did... but knowing things now is certainly different and I have learnt from my experience.

Whilst I have so much negativity in my past, I still remember this and use it to positively influence my present decisions and actions. That is what I like most about the past... screw forgetting it, but definitely learn from it.

 

[bradleyg]

I think i understand what you are talking about as my kids have picked up some nasty habits from me so my wife contacted VVCS and got them all in to counselling in an effort to try and get them back on track. My eldest has just turned 16 but she is more mature that her actual age as she had to step up to the plate as my wife also suffers a mental illness. I don't have very loving relationship with my kids as i seem to get angry with them for the slightest thing. i have been told iot get better from the local Vietnam Vets but I am wondering when this will happen.

 

[anthony]

Sounds like your wife has her head screwed on well and truly braddels... really good for you and for your kids. Unfortunately for me, even though I love my kids dearly, I honestly do know that I am better off not having the kids around all the time, because I can only have them in small doses otherwise I get nasty with them myself as they annoy me too much, stress me beyond belief, then I just hate everything after that. I just don't have the longevity for capacity to tolerate them nowadays I think. It hurts and sucks in so many ways, but if I am being honest with myself, then what I say is all true. Right now, what little interaction I have with my kids, it tends to always be good interaction opposed to nastiness, even though I understand it is better for me to be around more, then I think I would only be more destructive to them, my wife and myself.

 

[raydarluvr1]

I've been dealing with this crap in some degree or another for over 13 years. The USAF didn't want to pull the trigger on the diagnosis PTSD. I was treated for depression amd anxiety for 9 years leading up to my retirement. So, while the meds, group and indivudual therapy kept all the pieces together I was taught anythin about who I had become; an Ogre. And as the years pass I have gotten worse. Its like the more you know, the worse this adversary gets. Flash forward to now... out of work and suffering my symptoms more than ever, I swear I saw them put my doasge of meds in a dart gun for an elephant hunt on the Animal Channel. I love my three boys more than anything in this world. I am so worried that some of this crap will rub off an them. When they are active, the trigger the crap out of me. I either have to hide from them or put the Master Sergeant stripes on. Going R. Lee Ermey on a 20 month old is very effective for me, but just wrong for him. My eldest is so easy to crush and I have be extra careful about the "bumb draft discipline". I wa affected by my dysfunctional family. I want so much to save my boys from that. I want them to grow up Square, Level and Plumb, but I fear I may damage them before I can get ahandle on all this.

 

[Nicolette]

Hmmm....good to read you being honest and I agree with it all. I love your boys too but I watch you deteriorate over time spent with them. A week is about maximum I would now suggest at any point. Day 6 has always been the turning point I have seen on the outside looking in.

Our most recent visit was the best managed and handled yet for all concerned. I think we all did really well given the circumstances.

Not for one minute do I doubt the love you have for your boys but I agree your PTSD doesn't allow for lengthy contact as otherwise the PTSD monster comes out to play and we all suffer - just like you admitted.

I am proud of you that you are being honest with yourself.

 

[Jimmy1]

I agree with your point.
When I have my step-daughter here (she is an emotional 16), it is great for the first 5 or 6 days. I can deal with her arguing because I am so happy to see her.
I have told her about how her arguing effects me and so has her brother, but its like she does not care.

Last Christmas, I lost it totally. The first time in a long time.

Just having my say.

 

[abnvet]

Children.....what can I say besides I have an 18 year old daughter who has seen me on my roller coaster of ptsd over the years. I left the army so that I could have a better relationship with my daughter. She was 7 when I left and really didn't know me. She lives with my first wife and now visits every other weekend. Overall it was the best idea of my life in order to be near her!