Meeting With Old Friend Who Doesn't Understand At All

[maelstrom]

Hi, so I have to go see an old friend who knew me before I fell into the mental hell, and unfortunately she's the kind of person who just doesn't get it. I don't mean the kind of person who knows little about mental health--she's a highly educated person who knows all the concepts but who just does not understand it, due to lack of personal experience and/or...imagination, I guess. Does this make sense? I guess we all know someone like that.

The last time I saw her was a few years ago, when I first got out of a particularly bad breakdown, and at that time we had not seen each other for a long time and she knew nothing. Since we were kind of close before, I tried to tell her about it, but the conversation was so devastating that I never got back in touch with her again afterward. She was nice as always, and good-hearted, but she kept saying things like "but you are so lucky to have this and that, how could you be unhappy?" "you have no reason to be like this--a lot of people would envy you what you have, so be grateful" "Oh I'm also feeling quite depressed because of my busy work schedule, etc." and all the other innocently idiot things people do say to you. In fact I didn't even go into any details before she started giving me a full lecture.

Well, I don't really feel as bitter as I may sound, and it's totally understandable that she does not understand--in fact it would be weird if she should understand without personal experience. That's why I'm going to catch up with her again. It feels wrong to stop talking to her without her knowing why. I feel like it's my problem and I shouldn't take it out on her. But I do remember out last meeting and how terrible it was. I had to suppress my anger ad tears and use all my willpower to stop myself from standing up and leave. I have a feeling that it will be like that again this time.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but it would be helpful if any of you want to talk about your own experience with people like that? Should I attempt confession one more time? Common sense and experience both tell me NO. But then I feel like our friendship is so fake otherwise. Can you really be friends with someone who cannot understand your deepest wound?

 

[jaccat]

If you feel her friendship is worth keeping, is it possible to continue it without bringing that part of you into it? I mean, can you make it a 'no go' area, something you agree to disagree about. Kind of. Obviously that's something only you're going to know is possible, or that you're willing to do.

I only have two close friends. One I can tell pretty much anything to and she doesn't judge, but it's taken 15 years for us to get to that point (or for her to get to the point where she was mature enough to take it). The other knows nothing other than I have PTSD because of my past. It doesn't afftect our friendship because we're both aware we have issues but it's ours to own and that's enough.

If your friend is the kind that can't keep away from it, that approach mightn't work.

 

[Deleted member 33023]

Hi Maelstrom,

I'm new here and going through some rough times too. My family has been trying to be supportive but they also do not understand. They see me shaking, crying, heart rate sky high, blood pressure sky high and I am told it is "mind over body" and for a while I thought so too. I've been a hermit and not really engaged due to the same fears you have. I actually brought the subject up to my close cousin who has had personal experience with mental health issues (her brother-my cousin died recently from heart failure-he was a paranoid schizophrenic most of his life). So even though she has lived with this, when I tried to bring it up so she could understand what I am going through, I could tell she was super uncomfortable. I dropped it.

I will continue to be close to my cousin even if she doesn't understand now. I love her. We are close. I have to understand she probably has her own issues too. I don't know what is going on through her mind right now. She may not want to share, just like I was a year a go and to some extent even now. Sometimes I feel my problems are so big and I have so much empathy for others, sometimes when someone wants to share something heavy with me but I may not be ready as I feel like I will break down. Same for her too I think. I feel you have to decide whether this relationship is something you want to keep. Then I guess you work on it. For me it is important to keep in touch because she is a happy memory from my childhood and we both experienced quite a bit of the same things growing up sans the actual physical abuse but there are other abuses just as bad if not worse sometimes, i.e, undermining, abandonment, etc.

I also know that I may be in a point in my life where I have to come first no matter what. It isn't your friend's feelings as much as it is your feelings about it. If this person is a good friend and you want to keep it you will have to be patient and work on it (I'm doing the same with my boyfriend-he too has had experience with mental health issues but thinks it is in my mind). If this person is not super close and too hard to work on now you can always circle back. Also I try to remember that the world if full of people who you can meet and are more supportive. I know I need this so I am here as well as so many people here who have been so patient and wonderful. Like a miracle for me...don't know why I never did this before.

I hope this helps! Thank you for keeping my mind occupied for a few minutes you've helped me a lot as I'm pretty shaky right now so please forgive any typos.

 

[expectingbetter]

Completely my story too. With so many people, not only one. I understand ho you are feeling.

In my case I have been applying both options so far.
With some friends I cut off all the contacts.
And with others I am still in touch but not as often as I used to be.
The point is that it depends on you only, and your future needs for that person, but you have to accept her exactly the way she really is. And she is simply the person who is not perceptive enough to be able to understand some stuff.
I wouldn't try to make her understand me anymore, you know already that she is not capable of it, but I will let her know that I am not good, I wouldn't pretend though.
So you'll see then whether she is also interested in keeping touch with you anymore, maybe she will be fine with having a superficial relationship with you which I assume she will. Maybe she will ask for another opportunity to understand better, which I doubt honestly. And maybe she will just let it go and then a few more years will pass by.
But don't allow to this meeting become an argument again. That wouldn't go anywhere.

 

[EveHarrington]

Would it help to look at her intentions instead? Yes, she's horribly misguided and says all the wrong things, but she does try, right? I think that you should try to bridge the gap with her because it's so hard to find people who care. Maybe dumb it all down for her? I think this relationship is worth the effort. Good luck!

 

[maelstrom]

Thank you so much everyone! For some reason I can't find the like button anymore so I couldn't like your posts individually, all of which I'm very grateful for. (Btw where is the like button anyway? Is it a premium feature now or is it my browser?)

I guess your relationship with people just changes after you have experienced something most other people have not, because before you can potentially share everything with a friend/partner and they'd more or less understand. Well, of course nobody can completely understand another, but when it's just normal experiences people can relate to their own similar experience and get it mostly. But now it's different because there's this huge thing inside of you--an important part of you--that you cannot share with people anymore. As we all know sharing it usually results in more harm to ourselves and others too, but not sharing it would prevent you from having a close relationship.

You know how people always say that your mental illness is part of you but you are not your mental illness? It is true to an extent, because we are more than our mental illness, yes. But it is still an undeniable part of us that's affecting us in a profound way, and to pretend it's not there feels so unnatural, though it is what we usually have to do. But I'm so grateful for this forum and other communities like this, where people with similar stories can open up without fearing consequences so much like in real life. It makes it easier to face each day. Thank you!

 

[expectingbetter]

Dear maelstrom,
the like button is supposed to be just below the every single post, but I guess you have already checked there :)

I agree with most of what you have just said, I find myself very difficult to share my psychological issues with the majority of people and the majority of them simply are not capable of understanding.

I do miss that though, I agree it's almost impossible to have a close relationship with somebody and keep the main parts of yourself hidden.
But for me, for now that is the only way of surviving.

I am grateful for people on this site too.

I am glad that our comments helped you a bit :)