Merging Imaginary Lines into My Visually Perceived Reality Since Childhood


One of my Drs diagnosed me with aphasia recently while I was an inpatient for mental health reasons. I have a problem sometimes speaking and my words come out all divided and jumbled up. I have had several head injuries, so that's not surprising. I hope our conditions improve over time. No more brain injuries!

You are from TBI Land....too! TBI (various levels of brain injury) + learning disabilities + seizures can make for one big comprehension mess. But just look at us.......we all probably had when we were born, an IQ of 150 and now are just, above average. I have aphasia issues when stress cup is overloaded and after any TBI.....all the words in the sentence are there....but they can be in jumbled order. Stress can also cause that. Stress or med changes for me took my comprehension to low did every TBI I had.

Comprehension....for me dies with anxiety or trauma/emotional or physical or intense emotion....I guess something has to give.......
I spent my lifetime teaching reading and during two times in my life had a TBI that took my comprehension back to 4th grade. It was hard to hide......not being able to read and track the words.....and have a clue what I was reading. My head injury specialist told me I needed to stop injuring my brain......but neuroplasticity and the things we do to create new neural pathways is pertinent to trauma, TBI, and mental health issues......and for me, learning new things has been key to confidence, better problem solving, and improved general comprehension in the reading area. I also play "Elevate" a phone app which helps me with language, reading, comprehension, speaking and listening. Learning new things, practicing things I should know by heart, exercising daily, eating healthy, having fun, and being creative all help create new neural pathways, improve mood and confidence, and help unlearn old auto-behaviors for me, anyway.
Just a few more thoughts about my peculiarity of drawing imaginary diagonal lines across walls, as I had done on my classroom blackboard at age 9 or 10. I was then extremely stressed and fearful of making errors when reading aloud in my 4th grade reading class. Due to my aphasia my reading errors were many which had often enraged my teacher. She didn't understand as little was known about learning disabilities at that time. I only desperately wanted to mentally escape or withdraw from this dire situation.

So how was I to remain focused during reading class when I so desperately wanted to withdraw. My practice of drawing imaginary diagonal lines across the blackboard might have been my solution.

Within my mind I would be able to see both my perceived reality and my imaginary drawing on the wall, as if, coexisting. Perhaps this meeting of the visually perceived with my imaginary imagery had enabled me to easily 'swing back and forth' between the perceived and the imagined.

My meaningless and simple imagery was void of content which might have otherwise lead me into a deeper imaginary state. Without this lead-in my imagining would momentarily suspend as if it had been 'switched off.' Perhaps this 'switching off ' had given me some degree of self-control.

So why would I be initiating my imagination with my activity of drawing imaginary lines when I was actually trying to avoid my imaginating -- perhaps because in order to deactivate something it must first be active if only briefly.

I couldn't willfully command myself to avoid withdrawing into my imagination, however, I could willfully imagine drawing imaginary lines onto a perceived wall which might then have easily returned my focus to my perceived reality. And then, within my mind they were coexisting upon the same plane.

Early in grade school reading class, I can recall this activity as first being intentional just as, I had been intentionally counting the many small holes in the ceiling tiles of my dentist's office. Though these differ quite a bit, neither did I like.

I don't know if I'd ever abandoned this activity. I only know that I became consciously aware of doing it again about 2 years ago.