General Military Wife Trying To Understand

[blairwife]

I posted this in the main introductions, but thought maybe I should post here....sorry, I just don't do on-line forums that often, I just can't really trust anyone here to not "gossip", and I just need help understanding what I should be or shouldn't be doing to support my husband.

This is my first step in trying to understand/overcome my anger with my husband. We've been married for about five years,(5th anniversary coming up next month), he's been in the military about the same amount of time. We moved up our wedding because we figured he'd deploy as soon as he finished basic and of course within two months he was onto his first deployment. We are now living overseas and about four months ago he returned from his second deployment.

He "seemed fine" for a while, and then after leave he started the withdrawal. We had been having some marital issues when we first moved here over a year ago and I chalked it up to that and confronted him about not being a husband and a father and why did he just want to ignore us...and much more. I am just angry he just totally quit on us. Then a couple nights ago, he opened up (which he never does, so it was a total surprise, usually he just ignores me) and he said he was diagnosed with PTSD and he didn't feel like he had the capacity to be a "loving father and husband". This hurts but I had been blaming myself (I've been battling with alcoholism, I am getting treatment through therapy) and just thought he was trying to end our marriage, so now we're just trying to cope. He has not been talkative or anything since that night. He even skipped out on PT this morning, and not sure when he made it to work today.

I am just trying to push the anger aside now, and be supportive, but it's hard when he just doesn't want to be a part of the family. I feel awful when our son and I go out with friends and do activities in the community, but we live in Europe and I am a very social person, I can't function just sitting at home watching him drink and play video games.

 

[MurphyJB]

Hi blairwife, welcome to the forum.
I know this is a place where nobody wants to have to come to, but there is a ton of great information as well as amazing people here.
PTSD is hard to deal with as a supporter, but it us possible. Just remember its not your fault, and you still need to take care of you and your son's needs.

Best wishes
MJ

 

[Soldiers Wife]

Blairwife,

How your story seems so similar to mine. I know how hard it can be for you. It is ok to be angry and resentful when they just seem to disapear mentally from the family. I have been on a similar path with my H. We have been dealing with this over 5 years and he is just now sobering up and making an actual attempt. Something I realized through this process is that they need us more than THEY realize. It is a struggle for us as wives to maintain the mentalitly to keep pushing on when they seem to have givin up. Make sure to take care of your son and you first. I am here if ever you need someone to talk to. Right now I am finally in a calm part of the storm. But I have been through the hurricane portions. As hard as it is for us to watch them go through this they have to be the ones to choose to get help. We can give them options even if they dont take them. There were times my H didnt even have the options I made the decisions for him which at the time he hated me so passionately for but is now understanding why I did it.

Keep taking each day as they come. Some days will be easier than others.

Remember to do things just for yourself. Dont let the PTSD hurricane take you down with it. Hugs to you!

 

[blairwife]

Thank you so much ladies! Your responses are touching.

I think I made a big mistake tonight, my anger took over, and it didn't end well. I just had an IUD contraception put in and I have been having sharp pains and really wanted help with our son tonight. I got angry since he was non-helpful and ignoring me when I asked for help with his bath, I really just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. So after our son went to bed, I just lost it. I knew it was wrong even as I was doing it, he told me he didn't care what I did and he just wanted me to shut-up and leave him alone.

He's just been pushing and pushing me away and I can't deal with it. It's really hard because we're in a different country and I can't just go take a break with family, and most of the people we know are more acquaintances than actual friends. He's burned some bridges, people are nice to me and our son, but don't really invest any real time. I have a couple of close gal friends, but they also like to gossip so I am not totally comfortable, asking them to help give me a break.

I have been doing tons of reading on the subject today and know a few things now:
I know that I do want this marriage and that I do love him no matter what. I know that a lot of what he says; when he says he wants us to leave or he can't be a father or husband, is not because of me or my fault. I know I do want to stay and help him, in any way he will allow, but I will be in need of a break soon. Maybe go back home for a couple of weeks in the summer. After all that we have been through, I can not leave him, not for this.