Misdiagnosis / Medication / Feeling Confused

[BrokedownPalace]

Hi Everyone. I am new here, my name is Angela and I am 33 years old. Like many here, I suffered from some very serious abuse likely starting from before I can remember but my flashback tells me that it was going on at ages 3-4 and continued throughout my life. Things did get better the older I got but the damage was done so severely, at such a young age, and then reinforced - sexual, verbal, and physical abuse.

I first started seeking help when I was in my early 20s, mostly for anxiety & depression. I worked very hard to understand the ways my family was unhealthy and how I could be different. I know I am different. I am a very bright woman with a lot of love & compassion in my heart, for everyone but myself.

I tried so hard with weekly therapy, journaling, prayer / meditation, and reading as many self-help books as I could get my hands on. Eventually I accepted that I needed to be on medication at age 25 and took 100 mg of zoloft for the next 6 years. To some degree it worked. It numbed out my emotions and I focused on enjoying life. I don't think I cried once in those 6 years. But I was not ready to accept that I was destined for a lifetime of medication and with the help of a professional, I weaned myself off Zoloft and have been 2 years med free. I'm fortunate to not struggle with addiction but I do use alcohol and the occasional xanax to take the edge off. Although at age 25 I was diagnosed with ptsd, I dismissed it and chose to focus on my anxiety issues (which have never gotten better, even on medication).

I was doing fine until I hit a rough patch at the beginning of this year and I decided to start seeing a therapist. I unfortunately met with a REALLY bad in network doctor and she re-victimized me. It started me down a very bad spiral where I was having flashbacks and my anxiety was through the roof. It was the worst thing I had ever experienced. So I have a friend who is a trauma therapist but lives across the county, I flew to see her and she worked with me intense for a weekend. I came home feeling like I had made a breakthrough and started to FEEL again. It was the first time I had gotten in touch with the feeling of shame that was permeating every single thing about me - mind, body, emotions. I released it at the time, but it came back subtly and I feel like I'm back to where I started.

I decided to try therapy again and tried to implement a wiser screening process. My new therapist immediately recommended mood stabilizers. This is very triggering for me. I am finally starting to feel and it's very intense and I need help managing these emotions (I was never parented). And yet, just like when I was a child, my pain is too much and the message I am receiving is to numb it. I'm so disheartened and frustrated. To my knowledge I do not have a mood disorder. I am not bipolar (well I've never had mania), I'm not schizophrenic, nor do I have borderline personality disorder. What I do have, is ptsd with anxiety and depression.

I'm also really sick and tired of being asked "do you want to harm yourself?" and "do you want to harm others?" NO NO NO. I do not, but I have been asked a gazillion times, it's almost as if they are trying to convince me to or putting ideas in my head. It doesn't make ANY sense. I do realize there are circumstances when those questions need to be asked and there are liabilities and blah blah blah.

Anyway, I have been misdiagnosed with bi-polar. Or at the time I thought I was misdiagnosed. It doesn't run in my family, I don't have mania, I sleep well (with the exception of lately I wake up due to intrusive memories). I'm curious if anyone has tips or ideas. I'm feeling super defeated. I want to do the hard work of learning to manage my emotions, learning relaxation techniques, learning how to regulate my nervous system but I'm finding horrible mental health care and it sucks.

 

[Chava]

Have you been seeing anyone who specialized in treating trauma? Usually they will recognize the symptoms and how the ups and downs relate to the trauma dysregulation. Pills numb me out too. After insurance ran out many years ago, I went off a cocktail of meds and realized I had a sense of humor!! That was life saving. I got sober.

BUT many people are helped by meds somewhat. I've been willing to try again (nothing worked well and I tolerate side effects poorly), but within the context of knowing I'm working on trauma and not just being treated with meds. The underlying dysregulation has to be worked with. I'm on gabapentin for pain, but have read that it has also been used off label for anxiety or mood stabilizing. I take the smallest dose possible that will let me tolerate being in my body, and function enough to do helpful things for myself like walk or exercise. So I think of meds as being a support like that, certainly not a cure for PTSD or CPTSD.

Have you ever considered something like Somatic Experiencing? (what I'm doing) It works with the dysregulation caused by trauma. I still have meltdowns but I don't tip over the edge so fast or hard anymore.

If you have been diagnosed with bipolar, you will be treated for bipolar. If you believe you do not have bipolar, but this is all related to trauma for you, make sure you work with a trauma specialist. With your early abuse I don't really understand why this was all lumped together as bipolar. Some professionals just don't understand trauma well and you need to find the ones who do. I have to travel a bit to see my therapist but am able to go 2-3 times a month at least so I can make some progress, however slowly.

 

[BrokedownPalace]

Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, until recently, I hadn't known that there was such a thing as trauma therapists. The woman I saw in February was a trauma specialist who did somatic therapy, which is why I chose her. Unfortunately she re-victimized me in the first session. She demanded information and then used the information to threaten my job and future job prospects. It was horrible.

The new therapist supposedly also specializes in trauma. She is the one who suggested mood stabilizers. I roll my eyes. How do you find a GOOD trauma therapist? Unfortunately, even though I work for a major corporation, our mental health benefits are completely inadequate. Which is horrible because who can afford to pay for therapy out of pocket? I saved up $1500-$2000 to spend on therapy from now until December but that would run out in a few months unless I pick someone in network.

It is so frustrating to want help, be willing to do the work, and to constantly feel like I'm running into closed doors. It makes me think that medication is just the best option.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

MANY of us have been misdiagnosed as biploar.....I have, another good friend of mine has (we both have PTSD).

I don't have mania, either, and I never went hypomanic until I was put on antidepressants. Some "genius" doctor said I was bipolar because I don't respond to antidepressants.....well, turns out there's nothing wrong with my seratonin levels (something I've discovered after a LOT of trial and error), so why would I respond to a medication that boosts seratonin? (And it also shows why I went hypomanic on antidepressants.)

I think that medications can and do have their place. Are they for everyone? No. I understand why you don't want to take them. You want to learn to regulate on your own. I think this is a good thing! (But, if things go out of control, I hope you are open to using them in order to stabilize.)

Therapists aren't doctors, so I think you should politely refuse to take medication. Outside of being court ordered, its ABSURD for a therapist to say "you must be on medication for me to treat you" so I hope this isn't what she's doing. (Is she under the impression that you are indeed bipolar? Because this could have fed into the medication recommendation. Bipolar is a disorder where a good percentage of people do indeed need medication in order to stabilize.)

I'll share more later as I can say what has helped me....but I've got to run for now.

 

[joeylittle]

mood stabilizers...To my knowledge I do not have a mood disorder. I am not bipolar (well I've never had mania), I'm not schizophrenic, nor do I have borderline personality disorder. What I do have, is ptsd with anxiety and depression.

'Mood Stabilizer' does not mean exactly what it sounds like it means - and mood disorder applies to depression as well. Mood stabiliziers They are a class of medication used to treat anyone with oscillation. Bipolar is the traditional example for an oscillating mood disorder, but there are a few depression types that go up and down, the schizoid disorders....'mood stabilizer' tends to buffer you from extremes. It is very commonly used as an adjunct (additional) drug in treating depression.

I'm also really sick and tired of being asked "do you want to harm yourself?" and "do you want to harm others?" NO NO NO. I do not, but I have been asked a gazillion times, it's almost as if they are trying to convince me to or putting ideas in my head. It doesn't make ANY sense. I do realize there are circumstances when those questions need to be asked and there are liabilities and blah blah blah.

My advice - take the moment as an actual change to hear someone ask the question, and answer honestly. Because there could be a day when you feel differently - and that's the reason they ask, because of the possibility of that one day when you need someone to ask you that. No, they are not trying to convince you of anything. They are not limiting their liability. They are asking you an important question - start learning how to breathe with it and answer it without it increasing your anxiety.

She is the one who suggested mood stabilizers. I roll my eyes. How do you find a GOOD trauma therapist?

By 'suggested', I'm going to think that this therapist said something along the lines of "maybe you should consider mood stabilizers?" It's really OK to say 'no, I want to stay in touch with the extremes of my feelings right now, but I definitely need skills to help me cope with them.'

It is so frustrating to want help, be willing to do the work, and to constantly feel like I'm running into closed doors. It makes me think that medication is just the best option.

I don't see the closed doors.

I am sorry for your first experience - that sounds like a very bad therapist. They exist.

Part of wanting help and being willing to do the work is being willing to listen to things that might make you uncomfortable, cause you to feel upset, or provoked. There is a big learning curve that goes along with getting started in therapy, and it's totally not easy, but maybe if you think of it as a learning curve, you will have an easier time of it.

Every therapist worth seeing will offer you either a 20 minute phone or in-person consult, or a free first session. That is the time to talk with them about who they are, what they believe, how they work. It's so great that you have a friend who does this professionally, AND that you had a positive experience with her. What did she do with you? Ask her what kinds of things you should be looking for in a therapist. Heck, ask her if she can look at the names of the practitioners in your area that take your insurance (psychology today has a searchable database online), see if she knows anyone. Ask her to call colleagues.

And it may be possible for you to go out of network. Call your insurance rep and find out what your options are for specialized mental health treatment.