Hi, it's been a while since I've been on here. I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions right now. It's been 3+ years since I dated my abusive ex. Last month for the first time since my abuse I developed a crush on someone. I've has mild attractions before, but this was the first time I felt comfortable being physically close to someone. (Life consisted of quick air hugs, handshakes, and fist bumps before due to triggers.) I could actually sit next to this person, and enjoy that our legs were touching etc without feeling the need to vomit.
Well after some flirting and hanging out every other day for a while he asked me out. We were having a great date, great conversation etc. We then sat down to watch a movie and he suddenly got very serious with me. He asked to cuddle and I said yes. He then told me he wasnt ready for a relationship and was apprehensive because I'm moving in two months. He didn't think he could do long distance because of how he was burned before (ex fiance 3+ years ago moved away and cheated on him) . He talked to me about his insecurities and how he wasnt even sure if he should have asked me out.
He then proceeded to say all these things about how much he wanted to be with me, how much he enjoyed being with me, how he didnt want to let me go, he thanked me for letting him hold me, and how confused he was. I did tell him it was a first date and I wasnt expecting all this.
I also explained to him about my history, and we talked about it being a big step for both of us. We were emotionally intimate and cuddled a lot, holding hands, he even wanted to spoon and I could tell kiss me which I wasnt ready for. (In my culture this is a very big deal, typically you dont even hold hands or put your arm around someone until the 3rd date, kissing is reserved usually for serious relationships.)
We had a wonderful evening, and I havent felt that loved or happy in over 6+ years.
The next day though, I realized I wasnt totally sure what we had agreed on. So I asked to chat for some clarification. He then callously proceeded to tell me that he never had any plans to pursue me, and that he had planned to only go on that date from the beginning. He told me he was a runner, and just found excuses. That he didnt have enough feelings for me right then to be able to date long distance, and wasnt sure if he would in two months and didnt want to hurt me so he planned for just that night.
After our conversation, I felt incredibly stupid for letting myself get close to someone. Also really triggered because I felt used by someone to get their physical "fix". Because I cant think of any reason why he would want to go on a date if he had already decided before that he wasnt going to pursue anything. He seemed so infatuated that night, and now he just avoids me. I find myself not trusting people again, and throwing myself into dating to find someone who can replace him which I know isnt healthy.
I feel so incredibly hurt especially since he knew this was the first time I was close with someone. If he hadn't planned it, I feel like I'd feel much better, but now I just feel used. I'm not really sure what to do at this point now. I'm moving on the best I can, but I still am forced into a lot of interactions since we go to the same church.
Tldr; got physically and emotionally close to a friend for the first time since abuse who seemed confused about his feelings, then told later he had never planned to pursue anything and just wanted that night. Now I dont know how to deal with it.
Well after some flirting and hanging out every other day for a while he asked me out. We were having a great date, great conversation etc. We then sat down to watch a movie and he suddenly got very serious with me. He asked to cuddle and I said yes. He then told me he wasnt ready for a relationship and was apprehensive because I'm moving in two months. He didn't think he could do long distance because of how he was burned before (ex fiance 3+ years ago moved away and cheated on him) . He talked to me about his insecurities and how he wasnt even sure if he should have asked me out.
He then proceeded to say all these things about how much he wanted to be with me, how much he enjoyed being with me, how he didnt want to let me go, he thanked me for letting him hold me, and how confused he was. I did tell him it was a first date and I wasnt expecting all this.
I also explained to him about my history, and we talked about it being a big step for both of us. We were emotionally intimate and cuddled a lot, holding hands, he even wanted to spoon and I could tell kiss me which I wasnt ready for. (In my culture this is a very big deal, typically you dont even hold hands or put your arm around someone until the 3rd date, kissing is reserved usually for serious relationships.)
We had a wonderful evening, and I havent felt that loved or happy in over 6+ years.
The next day though, I realized I wasnt totally sure what we had agreed on. So I asked to chat for some clarification. He then callously proceeded to tell me that he never had any plans to pursue me, and that he had planned to only go on that date from the beginning. He told me he was a runner, and just found excuses. That he didnt have enough feelings for me right then to be able to date long distance, and wasnt sure if he would in two months and didnt want to hurt me so he planned for just that night.
After our conversation, I felt incredibly stupid for letting myself get close to someone. Also really triggered because I felt used by someone to get their physical "fix". Because I cant think of any reason why he would want to go on a date if he had already decided before that he wasnt going to pursue anything. He seemed so infatuated that night, and now he just avoids me. I find myself not trusting people again, and throwing myself into dating to find someone who can replace him which I know isnt healthy.
I feel so incredibly hurt especially since he knew this was the first time I was close with someone. If he hadn't planned it, I feel like I'd feel much better, but now I just feel used. I'm not really sure what to do at this point now. I'm moving on the best I can, but I still am forced into a lot of interactions since we go to the same church.
Tldr; got physically and emotionally close to a friend for the first time since abuse who seemed confused about his feelings, then told later he had never planned to pursue anything and just wanted that night. Now I dont know how to deal with it.