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Misjudgement and triggers

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Haven

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Hi, it's been a while since I've been on here. I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions right now. It's been 3+ years since I dated my abusive ex. Last month for the first time since my abuse I developed a crush on someone. I've has mild attractions before, but this was the first time I felt comfortable being physically close to someone. (Life consisted of quick air hugs, handshakes, and fist bumps before due to triggers.) I could actually sit next to this person, and enjoy that our legs were touching etc without feeling the need to vomit.

Well after some flirting and hanging out every other day for a while he asked me out. We were having a great date, great conversation etc. We then sat down to watch a movie and he suddenly got very serious with me. He asked to cuddle and I said yes. He then told me he wasnt ready for a relationship and was apprehensive because I'm moving in two months. He didn't think he could do long distance because of how he was burned before (ex fiance 3+ years ago moved away and cheated on him) . He talked to me about his insecurities and how he wasnt even sure if he should have asked me out.

He then proceeded to say all these things about how much he wanted to be with me, how much he enjoyed being with me, how he didnt want to let me go, he thanked me for letting him hold me, and how confused he was. I did tell him it was a first date and I wasnt expecting all this.

I also explained to him about my history, and we talked about it being a big step for both of us. We were emotionally intimate and cuddled a lot, holding hands, he even wanted to spoon and I could tell kiss me which I wasnt ready for. (In my culture this is a very big deal, typically you dont even hold hands or put your arm around someone until the 3rd date, kissing is reserved usually for serious relationships.)
We had a wonderful evening, and I havent felt that loved or happy in over 6+ years.

The next day though, I realized I wasnt totally sure what we had agreed on. So I asked to chat for some clarification. He then callously proceeded to tell me that he never had any plans to pursue me, and that he had planned to only go on that date from the beginning. He told me he was a runner, and just found excuses. That he didnt have enough feelings for me right then to be able to date long distance, and wasnt sure if he would in two months and didnt want to hurt me so he planned for just that night.

After our conversation, I felt incredibly stupid for letting myself get close to someone. Also really triggered because I felt used by someone to get their physical "fix". Because I cant think of any reason why he would want to go on a date if he had already decided before that he wasnt going to pursue anything. He seemed so infatuated that night, and now he just avoids me. I find myself not trusting people again, and throwing myself into dating to find someone who can replace him which I know isnt healthy.

I feel so incredibly hurt especially since he knew this was the first time I was close with someone. If he hadn't planned it, I feel like I'd feel much better, but now I just feel used. I'm not really sure what to do at this point now. I'm moving on the best I can, but I still am forced into a lot of interactions since we go to the same church.

Tldr; got physically and emotionally close to a friend for the first time since abuse who seemed confused about his feelings, then told later he had never planned to pursue anything and just wanted that night. Now I dont know how to deal with it.
 
Oh wow... That's just really shitty behaviour from him. Selfish, inconsiderate, immature, manipulative and a total lack of respect.

That would mess with anyone's head, even without prior trauma.

What a shithead.

Sorry you're dealing with this.
 
^ This.

Making up a sob story just to get close to a woman with actual pains & sorrows needing respect & care is such a dick move.

You so deserve better.

Edited: You didn't misjudge him.
He deceived you & toyed with you.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you or your judgment.
 
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Echoing Ronin. This is not misjudgment- this is manipulation. in a nonromantic sphere it would be called fraud . People don’t ‘misjudge’ fraudsters- fraudsters cleverly work to not be seen for what they are til they get what they want.

You held onto your values about kissing etc . That’s commendable.
 
Thank you all for your responses. I feel like I've been defending him. I think in some ways he honestly thought he was clear, he just doesn't understand how misleading he was. I'm not sure if he misdirected on purpose. I mean when I asked him as he was taking me home what he was going to tell his best friend who I also knew, he said "Well I told her the truth, and she still wanted to cuddle with me."

But with all the sweet nothings, I'm not sure what I was supposed to think? He seems to have a lot of anxieties. Plus he seemed to really not want to hurt me. During our clarification discussion he said he might regret later not moving forward with me because I'm amazing and I told him "Yes I know I'm amazing, and you will regret this later." I guess he's only dated fixer uppers before from what he told me. But I'm not a fixer upper, I just deserve to be cherished, and handled with respect.
 
But I guess it was still manipulative even if he had good intentions. Saying all those things so I would relax, and desire him more all while seductively whispering into my ear. It definitely wasn't clear. Even if he did ask if I was okay cuddling. He's either a complete idiot or a manipulator and I dont wanting deal with either of them.

Now, I have a guy who I met on a date recently who is just the epitome of respectful and sweet but I have a hard time believing him after this experience.
 
Haven, My suggestion is you don’t need to know how much he meant it or not. Just as you are not a ‘fixer upper’ you do not need one.

I still find it very difficult to believe the perpetrators against me feel they went about it purposely- I think it’s less purposeful‘I am going to deceive this person’ than ‘I am going to get what I want’. Both involve purposeful deceit .

You are worried about another date- but can you Find any security in that you stood by your boundaries- which was a good move!
 
Haven, My suggestion is you don’t need to know how much he meant it or not. Just as you are not a ‘fixer upper’ you do not need one.

I still find it very difficult to believe the perpetrators against me feel they went about it purposely- I think it’s less purposeful‘I am going to deceive this person’ than ‘I am going to get what I want’. Both involve purposeful deceit .

You are worried about another date- but can you Find any security in that you stood by your boundaries- which was a good move!

That is completely true, and thank you so much for your advice. I really dont want a fixer upper. And it's true, that I feel like there was some deceit involved, even if he himself didnt intend to.
I went on a date with the respectful guy already, I have another one this weekend. I'm going to give him a solid chance. Onwards and upwards!
 
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