Missing my t

[Holdingontohope]

My T is on vacation right now. I am trying to make it through these 10 days, but I feel like I'm falling apart. I know I should be happy for him, that he needs his time away and to spend time with his family. I am happy for him, but I also kind of feel abandoned, like he doesn't care, scared, and jealous even.

It might be stupid and irrational how I'm feeling. I wish I didn't feel so attached to him. I'm scared that something might happen to him and/or his family. I wish he had told me I could email him still. Even though I know it's good for him to have a break from work, it still feels like he doesn't care by just suddenly taking away that contact. Maybe I am too attached and/or dependant on him. I don't know. I didn't want to be because I know it just ends up hurting me in the end, or at least it has before. I'm also kind of jealous. Why does he get to have the things I've always wanted but I don't? A happy family, a successful career, to go on vacation with his family, to have people that love and care about him.... What did I do so wrong to not deserve any of that? Why don't I get to have those things?

I'm angry at him for leaving me when I've been struggling. It feels like what my family use to do when I was a teenager. When I was having a really difficult time they didn't want to be around me and/or didn't know what to do with me so they would just leave me alone while they went out and did stuff with my siblings. Then I felt even worse and would self harm and have suicidal thoughts. That's how I'm feeling now, but I know it's not the same so I'm trying to deal with it, I just don't know how.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

What are some of the coping mechanisms you and he have discussed in the past that work well for you? Do more of that, a lot, on purpose, while telling those thoughts of being abandoned to go somewhere else in the moment. Thoughts arrive, but we don't have to let them stay.

Comparing yourself to anyone is a sure set up for disappointment, as our self-talk loves to have a field day with all the ways it can take us down another notch, especially if that's been our default setting all along.

It's great to have the external support, but anything external can always be taken away. That's just a simple fact. But dwelling on that fact magnifies our pain, making it harder to feel the strength to dig out. We have to re-build our own internal healing foundation to support ourselves, as that's the only one we can truly rely on being with us 24/7. The help and guidance of others is what gets us there, but we have to work even harder to keep us there, or at least remember which direction to go when we feel lost.

Maybe write down the things that have worked well in the past, toss them in a hat, and choose one. Make a fun game of it, make it as healthily pleasurable as possible. Create what you need in a way so you'll look forward to doing it again and again. Keep in mind that the things that have worked well required a key ingredient, being YOU. He may have suggested them, but YOU made it happen and found relief.

Remind yourself of your own healing potential every chance you get. Keep it simple. I know it's hard as hell to do on a super shitty stressful day, but I hope you're able to find your healing groove in his absence. Each day is one day closer to his return. Allow him the chance to recoup and regroup as he knows he needs to so he can come back with fresh ideas and restored energy to help improve the care he provides you. Best wishes for some peace of mind.