Kintsugi
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Okay, I've been waiting to post this to see how long I could keep this up comfortably, and I've finally gotten to the point of success where I believe it warrants this thread and its forum heading.
Until recently, I didn't really draw a direct connection between my trauma and dresses, but I did know that I was afraid to wear dresses in general and that it had something to do with PTSD/sexual abuse. I have often been painfully modest. For years I wore clothes specifically meant to conceal the entire shape of my body. When I started dressing differently, people thought I lost a ton of weight. No, I was just wearing things five times my size.
The odd part about my fear of dresses was that I wasn't nearly so squeamish with skirts. I do associate skirts with my later trauma with my ex-boyfriend, but I can still wear them and not feel as if I am crawling out of my skin.
It hit me several weeks ago that most of my early abuse happened while I was wearing a dress. My family is Jewish, so between Friday and Saturday night as a child, I was in a dress. This period is when most of the abuse involving multiple people happened. And though I could tell you this through rational retrospect (my town was very Jewish, all the kids spent time together, the parents were never watching, etc.), I know this because in most of my flashbacks, I was in a dress, very vividly.
SO... I am thinking, dresses = trigger. Simple as that. I'd never thought of it that way.
But...
In the past two weeks, I have worn a dress no less than 8 times.
Yay! AND I feel PRETTY. Never would have guessed that could ever happen.
Until recently, I didn't really draw a direct connection between my trauma and dresses, but I did know that I was afraid to wear dresses in general and that it had something to do with PTSD/sexual abuse. I have often been painfully modest. For years I wore clothes specifically meant to conceal the entire shape of my body. When I started dressing differently, people thought I lost a ton of weight. No, I was just wearing things five times my size.
The odd part about my fear of dresses was that I wasn't nearly so squeamish with skirts. I do associate skirts with my later trauma with my ex-boyfriend, but I can still wear them and not feel as if I am crawling out of my skin.
It hit me several weeks ago that most of my early abuse happened while I was wearing a dress. My family is Jewish, so between Friday and Saturday night as a child, I was in a dress. This period is when most of the abuse involving multiple people happened. And though I could tell you this through rational retrospect (my town was very Jewish, all the kids spent time together, the parents were never watching, etc.), I know this because in most of my flashbacks, I was in a dress, very vividly.
SO... I am thinking, dresses = trigger. Simple as that. I'd never thought of it that way.
But...
In the past two weeks, I have worn a dress no less than 8 times.
Yay! AND I feel PRETTY. Never would have guessed that could ever happen.
