In A Hard Relationship That Triggers My Ptsd Badly

[Twizzted]

Hi all, I think after so many years of living with ptsd what has finally sent me over the edge is being in a relationship I actually was able to truly "connect" too which is extremely hard for me, I don't trust, and the only two people I had ever really connected to was my children. However some how the dynamics of who he was, our relationship and my want to be "normal' and have a healthy successful relationship helped me to open up and trust. Not only emotionally but physically. The relationship has turned on me, he has a very bad habit of lying to me about many many things. I have broke off the relationship several times but I go back because of the very odd power in the beginning of our relationship of him helping make me feel even remotely normal, its been the single most powerful feeling I've ever had. I was able to hold hands for a bit, hug, cuddle, be intimate where I was never capable of doing this with a man before. It wasn't always easy but the mere fact i could made me feel amazingly "ok" for once. He brought out something in me that allowed this to happen. And now, I cant seem to let go.

I was sexually abused as a child from a very very early age and it lasted for many years, my mother knew it and tried to tell others and they didn't believe her so she quit trying to protect me, I finally got old enough to stop it myself. My mom was also physically abusive, all her anger and life's disappointments were put on me. At the age of 14 after spending over a year in a mental institution because I ran away, she made a deal with a man to receive money for him to take me she was a drug addict and needed the money for drugs. He did, and I haven't been home since. he did unspeakable things to me, rape, beat me , made me do terrible things. I ran away from him and became a homeless teenager and unfortunately that just made my life worse. My traumas are immense, my childhood was stolen in more ways than one but I fought it, I knew at 18 when I was finally legally able to be my own person and make my own choices that I would have to fight to be remotely okay. And its what I've done till now. I'm not saying I did it well, but I managed, but not once in my journey till I met the man I am currently with did I feel at all normal.

So because of this, I have stayed in a situation that I know is not healthy for me, he lies about some veryyy hurtful things and I have forgiven and tried to heal over and over again. Until two weeks ago, he lied again and I found out, and all of his lies are around women, or things he wants to do that he thinks I wouldn't like, either way truth is just not his strong suit and now I cant trust a thing he says and I realize this would happen rather I have ptsd or not, my issue is I can't end it. Even though it is the advice I would give a friend, its what I would have done in the past with anyone else. I can't let go even though I know that his lies are triggering my feelings of betrayal, abandonment, my nightmares I have had under control for years are back full force, my panic attacks that I've always kept under control are off the charts.

I guess to be fair to my story ( sorry its so long) I have had a very hard long 4 years, a divorce after being married 17 years, a very life changing physical disease that is continually getting worse month by month. I'm always scared of failing, losing everything I have including my son and this relationship takes all the energy I have, he does not understand him hurting me at this point equals him kicking a poor sick dog when they are down. And unfortunately its what every one seems to do in my life, and I end those relationships. Why cant I end things with him? I know its for the best, I know that after 3 years together he wont change especially when he can see what his lies have caused, the pain and distrust. I've always prided myself on being a strong woman that would never take abuse again on any level but it feels like that's what I'm doing, I feel like a fool. But yet, I cant say goodbye and make him leave my life. What the heck is wrong with me? I really cant do any more soul searching or self reflection its driving me half insane. I know what I need to do, I just cant do it. If any of you have insights, thoughts, suggestions I would love to hear them. I know its often hard to speak on such things, I know its a sensitive subject but I'm willing to listen.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I welcome any and all feed back.

 

[safenow]

Twizzted, may I ask how old your son is?

If your son lives at home, what do you think you are teaching him about women, and how they should be treated? If you can't do it for yourself, how about doing it for your son?

I believe this guy will eventually dump you, because you become boring to him.

 

[Twizzted]

I agree totally. My son is 16, and unfortunately he doesn't see it. we don't fight or argue him and my boyfriend have an amazing relationship. I divorced my sons dad and now I have to make someone else he loves go away but unlike his father he gets to see often this man will just be gone from his life forever. This issue, is extremely private between me and my boyfriend. Even though I am not naive to the fact Im sure my son sees, or feels when I am sad or down about some thing even if he cant put his finger on why. This man, is amazing in every other way, helpful, takes care of me when I am extremely sick, is great with my son they are very close ( we don't live together) so im sure that helps with keeping my son away from the more negative aspects of it.

But your right, I think because he doesn't have a clue about this part of my boyfriend I have not looked at it as affecting him. I really need to do that because even if it hasn't yet, it will. your very right. I've never met someone so good/bad at the same time. I've come to look or feel it could be a form of manipulation maybe? thank you for helping me open my eyes to how this could affect my son. I've always been a very strong, good mom and I do not want this affecting him. I do wish that I didn't have to hurt him again by making some one he loves so much leave. I feel my hands are tied at this point though. The situation is just so painful .... Ty again safe!

 

[Twizzted]

I am keeping you busy safe! haha. I will work on that!

 

[quaintpapercut]

I haven't been posting as much as I'm taking a break (need to minimize my triggers), but still read occasionally. I related to a lot that you wrote about and know how difficult it is to navigate relationships when you have dealt with so much sexual abuse.

I understand when you speak about that feeling of normalcy that you had when you realized you could be intimate physically with another person. I have had long term boyfriends in the past and was also married for over a decade, but I have never had the level of intimacy I experienced with my partner. Its actually one of the things that made me so motivated to change my behaviour. For once, I realized there was a disconnect in my cognitive experience, as I didn't understand how I could go from loving him and feeling safe physically to feeling like he was an absolute stranger to me. But, what's interesting is that what lead me to my current partner was a man I was involved with that is similar to your current boyfriend.

I don't even know how to characterize it other than one of the most intense emotional experiences I have ever had. I loved this man with all of my heart and soul despite the fact that he really, was not very nice to me. Like you, I prided myself on my independence and strength and I couldn't understand how I could permit this man to treat me so badly. I analyzed the situation and tried to fix it for so long, bending myself into a pretzel, trying to figure out what I could do to make it work. It was the hardest time I have ever had emotionally. Eventually, as safenow mentions, he grew tired of me and broke up with me. To say I was devastated was an understatement and there was huge fallout- I had never experienced as much emotional pain as I did when he left me. Its obvious now, that me wanting to hold onto the relationship the way I did related to my unresolved trauma . In a life that had largely been experienced in a dissociative trance, the pain that I experienced during and after that relationship felt real. The best thing he ever did for me was leave me alone after we ended things. It meant, that eventually, time did its thing and healed my broken heart.

Do you have a therapist that can help you work this out?

And also, I couldn't break my relationship off either. I even broke up with him a ton of times but kept coming back - he was like a drug for me. It only truly became over because of the revenge I took on him after he broke up with me "but wanted to stay friends"-which I regret now as it was not very mature, but I realize was a good thing because it meant he really wanted nothing to do with me after that.

The only feedback I would have is if your going to do it, commit to the pain and don't dance around it. I kept going back to him because I couldn't deal with the pain, but each time it just got worse and worse anyways.

If you decide that your not able to end it/deal with the pain for whatever reason, you need to find a way to protect yourself emotionally so that your not continuously getting hurt.

 

[Twizzted]

Quaint,

Thank you so much for your personal and well thought out response. I was starting to wonder if I should have ever posted this thread. However just the fact I did has made me realize that I have stayed for many reasons and that I have got to come to terms with them. One is, I don't think I realized how badly I don't want to be the bad guy again in my sons eyes. When I divorced my ex-husband it hurt my children so badly. I have regretted it daily for 4 years, and probably always will the pain I caused my children I know happens in every divorced family with kids, but I hated it and they hated me.

The fact my children hated me broke me in more ways than one. My boyfriend was there to help me through it and honestly I don't know if I would have made it. My children are everything to me. My son now has an amazing bond with my boyfriend as well as his father and all negatives that came from the divorce is over. I am scared of a repeat of my son being mad at me, hating me again. My son only sees the good. The fact my boyfriend is there for me when I am in the hospital and is very active with my son and cares for him. The issues me and my boyfriend have are not easy for anyone to see outright. So when I make this man leave my sons life, he will just be gone and my son will believe yet again it was my fault. I of course will try to explain that its what needed to happen but children believe what they see, and have not yet had experiences enough to understand a situation like this.

I know now I need to try and address this. I wish like anything he would leave me and he wont so if he is going to get bored 3 years and counting I wish he would do it. For me, him leaving me would take a lot off my shoulders. Unfortunately every single time I break it off he is the one who wants me back (I cave and go back). However this is one of my biggest downfalls, I did not make my mother leave my life until this year. And she was extremely abusive and did some things that no one could forgive. I have a huge soft spot. And I think he realizes it, because every time I try to do the right thing he wont give up, he wont let me go and says he can and will change of course apologizes and so on. . . . Anyway I think I'm done posting for now I'm embarrassed and i just feel stupid. Thank you again Quaint I really appreciate your post very much.

 

[quaintpapercut]

ahhh, don't be embarrassed. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I think its really positive that your taking the time to think through your relationship and understand the dynamics.

I understand your concerns with your son. You say he's 16 so he's probably old enough to understand a little about how confusing love and relationships can be. I think he will only view it as a great failure on your part if you show him you feel that way. I think it might be helpful to have an honest discussion with him about how your feeling. When I think about your relationship with your son, I think about how much emotional equity you must be directing towards your boyfriend that would probably be better suited towards the emotional needs of your son. I don't mean normal communication with your boyfriend, but the brooding, emotional ups and downs etc that most likely accompany when you feel triggered/upset. Your son will only be with you for a couple more years before he will become an adult. I worry that just as much as you worry about the loss of your boyfriend from your son's life, that you may instead be mourning the time you lost with your son because of your boyfriend.

But if you do decide that you want to break it off, make a plan to help you through things. Can you rally your friends for support? Who will you contact when your ready to cave and make contact with him? Can you go to your local bookstore or look for information online on how to make it through a difficult break-up?

 

[Twizzted]

Quaint,

Your insights are so wonderful! And so timely with what is going on right now. I am an over achiever, make every one happy all the time. When it comes to those I love I will give all I have and then some so for now I feel I have been exactly what and who I need to be for my children its probably the only good thing I feel I have done with my life. However, and this is what I find uncanny with your insight being spot on is the last two weeks I missed out on something very important to me with my daughter who is pregnant because of the issues with my boyfriend and it has played on me terribly. So up to this point my health and my life has allowed me to cope decently and still be what every one needs me to be.

Now that is not the case anymore the last two months my health has deteriorated at an alarming rate and I am certain if my boyfriend had not pulled his crap and I hadn't been dealing with that and a few other variables because of it I wouldn't have been too sick to visit with my daughter. So I just recently got my first taste of what you speak of. And your so right I cant lose moments with my son, or my daughter and soon to be grand baby because of an unhealthy relationship that I just cant let take more from me than I have to give. So thank you for that because even two weeks ago before this it wouldn't have hit me as hard as it does today. Again I appreciate your time and your insights.

As far as a support system I don't have one, anyone in my life comes to me for support I am the strong one and unfortunately no one is there for me but I will do okay. And maybe my post wasn't the mistake I was starting to think it was.
: )

 

[Twizzted]

Quaint,

I just wanted to say good bye as I have found this site is not going to work for me. I thank you though from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and thoughtful approach to my situation that I know many can not understand. If you see this before my posts are all deleted I wish you well and great things!

 

[safenow]

Twizzted,

They will not delete your posts. I hope you can change your mind about leaving. Why do you think it is not for you? If you don't mind me asking?

 

[Twizzted]

Why wouldn't they? do I need to pay for a premium membership before I leave? I am disappointed at the fact I have been here less than a day and a half and I keep receiving crammer and spelling notifications. I actually find the reasoning for this being such a strict policy to be hogwash but that's neither here nor there, unfortunately I have worked very hard to go back use my spell checks and try to make my sentence structure as easy to read as possible. I keep failing.

I have brain damage from my disease so I am sure I am missing some things but If I have to go over my posts with a fine tooth comb and still fail at getting just posting perfectly correct this is not helpful. It has been hard enough to open up In this way I don't honestly know what the person who made this rule was thinking but I believe even with some issues with capitalization my posts have been understandable and really that's what is most important or should be.

This very strict policy which I did read and honestly thought I could fulfill but can not and its extremely off putting especially to people that are here already broken down, depressed and feeling alone. Those wonderful notifications that let you know if you cant learn how to use spell check, and then learn proper sentence structure and don't always capitalize or use proper punctuation when needed then you will get booted off the forums is really not something I find endearing or needed on any level.

I already have had misgivings about putting my personal feelings and emotions online this just makes it worse. So Ill leave my posts and be on my way.

 

[safenow]

Twizzted, if you are still around.

We all get those when we first start. It is not directed at you in particular.