"Moral Support" - what is that?

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
The young bloke sitting behind the cash register, ever vigilant to robbery, had seen me there, in the car, for many hours & though initially hesitant, when I asked for the drink - he gave it to me for free saying that he figured something was badly wrong for me to be sleeping there.
That's lovely. I remember times when I was feeling down, a smile from a stranger completely turned me around. I think behind the hot chocolate was a gesture of care. TBH, I wasn't thinking of those moments in moral support. The trouble I have is when friends assume that I want company and attention, but inside I'm baffled and don't even know how to respond. I didn't say family because I think everyone in my immediate family are also stumped by moral support.

Of course the callous is learned. Injury on injury creates callous.
That's what I'm wondering. Is it a callous or was it just something I never had. I feel very triggered an emotional by the idea of not getting love from my bf. But I have no emotion around not getting moral support. So was wondering if that's not just in my dna.

And last night there was a huge roach flying around in here (ugh...and ewwww...the only bug I can't stand - I never have them, so I don't know what made him decide now is the time) - could have used "moral support" from someone who would get rid of the damn thing. LOL
I definitely need moral support when there's a flying roach in the apartment. LOL. I had that happen and I would definitely have appreciated somebody swooping in and hunting that monster instead of me.

It's sad when kids are in a position they never learn those basics *should* be in their lives... and that they aren't there for them.
Do you think that moral support is a need like love? I get triggered and dysregulated by the sense that I'm unloveable, but I have no emotion around not getting moral support.

Yes but it's more sad to go from not aware to thinking you had it and realizing you never did, now or then. Then there's unnecessary grief, and disappointment, and fear and sadness and regret. Trusting you have it when you do is difficult enough, trusting you have it when you don't, is a back turned when you are most in need. That does feel like abandonment all over, & if nothing else as an adult a reminder and confirmation, and not worth the price or risk, IMHO. It's vulnerability followed & shattered by grief & sadness, of which there is enough without.
I have deep-seated triggers about abandonment and get easily triggered to think I am unloveable. At times, I can feel my brain stem pulse, and I get flooded. But again, the only emotion that not getting moral support is kind of like disdain that anyone really "needs" it. At the same time, maybe the trigger here is that my mind blanks out. I know that can be a response to ptsd - fight or flight. But don't they both leave emotional traces?
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Do you think that moral support is a need like love? I get triggered and dysregulated by the sense that I'm unloveable, but I have no emotion around not getting moral support.

I think if you feel loved an awareness and knowledge that moral support will be there when necessary is a given. Doesn't mean you will ask for it, but that knowledge alone makes it less likely you'd feel you need it, & have more courage knowing you are loved. If you feel loved, you know you will have support to regroup after, even if not needed in the moment.

I have deep-seated triggers about abandonment and get easily triggered to think I am unloveable... But again, the only emotion that not getting moral support is kind of like disdain that anyone really "needs" it.

But if you are loved, moral support is there if you want it. Maybe for those looking for moral support, and not love, the awareness of the absence is a trigger? Whereas unloving behaviour? Is not even relevant.

You can have moral support without love even existing as a real concept, but I doubt you can have a concept of love being a reality without including moral support as part and parcel of the nature of loving, if you believe love can exist in something other than primarily a self-focused form of taking for one's self, only.
 
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grit

MyPTSD Pro
This is could be a negative self talk residue cause the reality is you are in therapy and that is having a person to support you. The therapist is not giving you anything concrete except their being with you and giving you space to be supported. Also, it is easy to underestimate our own resilience after traumatic experiences and belief our well is much deeper for taking care of ourselves otherwise we would have been dead by now. So you might just have a good resilience and by the time you need others, it is usually too late or you seek professional which is fine but it is good to become aware of your own depth for holding.
 

Friday

Moderator
I didn’t understand it until I had people in my life that got me.

My parents are lovely people. But taking either of them with me anywhere? Much less the countless times before I was 17 (and moved out) and it was their “right” (IE I had no say, they were coming, they were going to dominate the encounter, and I had better toe the line)... at best is difficult, counterproductive, exhausting, and simply makes a hard thing harder. :wtf: Pass.

But just having people in my life who get me? Doesn’t mean they get me in all ways. The person I’d call on for SituationA, often won’t be the person I’d call on for SituationB. Because A they’re brilliant, and B they’re exhausting.

The in between part of not understanding moral support to having people at my back that I trust? Moreover being able to tell situation A&B from each other, and what I would need or want from a person? Required some TERRIBLE boundaries! :roflmao: I didn’t want them there, and instead of respecting my wishes, they said “f*ck that” and inserted themselves into the situation. Sometimes, quite forcibly.

What I have learned is ^^^that^^^ is most often a byproduct of youth (the selfsame people, 20 years later, take a step back when asked... instead of diving in, headfirst)... OR being able to read people incrediably phenomenally well. That second piece? Is rare. At any age. Even more rare is someone who reads me, the situation, and themselves correctly AND decides to insert themselves. I bring this up, because in my 20s there were more people willing to dive in, given half an opportunity, than you could swing a cat at. In my 30s? I was confused by the sudden absence... it wasn’t that I was no longer a good judge of character. It was that other people both had better boundaries (if someone asks them to take a step back? They respect that, and do), and lives with prior commitments... just like I did. But I had to be faced with a few situations where in the past I’d have come running, and today I had people depending on me not to do a runner on them, to come to someone else’s aid. Especially when that someone else didn’t want my aid.

So it’s been one of those complicated lessons to learn.

The way most people feel/want moral support? Isn’t the way I want it or feel it. So it’s a rare to find it in others, and more rare the older I get & more established both I & others are.

It’s one of the reasons I’ve stuck around here, so long. There are soooooo many personalities... that finding people who click? Who help me be a better person, just by being themselves? Who make hard situations easier, and better understood, by the sharing of their own strength and experience? Who challenge me when I need challenging, who laugh at me when I’m being ridiculous, grin at me when I’m sad, sit with me when I need silence... is almost a given. Not something to be taken for granted, but something to be deeply appreciated. Separated by thousands of miles, and seas, and very different lives... but still kicking it with me, when events arise. It’s a gift.
 

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
I doubt you can have a concept of love being a reality without including moral support as part and parcel of the nature of loving
Thanks for your perspective. I do struggle with asking for what I need sometimes in the concrete. I could easily see that I turn the need for support off to protect myself from getting disappointed. And the other comments here also remind me that when it is safe, I do appreciate the kinds of moral support that I get from therapy and this forum!

you are in therapy and that is having a person to support you
Yup, for many years now.
It’s one of the reasons I’ve stuck around here, so long. There are soooooo many personalities... that finding people who click?
Thanks for the nuances. It really does depend on the people, circumstances, and age.

I feel like I'm at a new stage; not just getting the minimal of love - not being ignored and abandoned, but perhaps confident enough to ask for more of what I want.
 
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