More Memories Keep Surfacing

[DromedaryLights]

I thought I had been through the worst of it over a year ago, but somehow it just keeps getting worse. More memories coming to light and at a time when both my girlfriend and sister, my usual support people, are out of town. I haven't been able to do anything today, I just lie on the couch and stare at the computer. Today is hard, but I comfort myself with the thought that this, at last, may actually be the worst of it. But, it's very hard with no one to talk to -- I don't feel safe being alone in my apartment. I'm supposed to teach a guitar lesson tomorrow but I think I might have to call out sick. I hate being alone, but I'm scared being around other people too. I've never been a violent person, but lately I find myself scared I might lose control -- violent images come up when I think about the past. I know this is an irrational fear, but it's still very unpleasant.

 

[Friday]

In my experience, the best way to control violence is to use it. So it's learned control, not wild. If I hit someone, I know how hard I'm hitting them, and I know what kind of damage is dealt from my placement. A light jab to the throat is often lethal, snaps the hyoid bone and the trachea crushes. A single heavy bow to a large muscle group? Nothing worse than a bruise. Meanwhile a tap won't even sting. My movements are my own. My choices. From how to fall, or break away, or strike out. If it's a wild impulse, it's dangerous. So I lock it down. Take control over my body. But I am a very violent person.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I thought I had been through the worst of it over a year ago, but somehow it just keeps getting worse.

I can relate to that general idea- you think you've discovered/been through the worst and then something worse gets discovered. I've been on that kind of journey myself lately. I certainly hope I have come to the end of memories surfacing, but I know I haven't. I just hope nothing worse comes out. It makes it scary. Hang in there, you're not alone.