Mum, Mom, Mother We All Have One

[shell]

Monster, even my therapists have called her a monster.

My mother wasn't a mother and she doesn't deserve to be ever credited with that name. She was violent, evil, manipulative and a liar.

 

[Pencil]

One word to describe my mother: Inadequate. And the simple act of writing this feels like such a massive betrayal, while the word 'inadequate' is totally inadequate - for she was more helpless and far more powerful than that silly word conveys. Aaarghhh :banghead:

 

[StellaBlue]

One word to describe my mother: Inadequate. And the simple act of writing this feels like such a massive betrayal, while the word 'inadequate' is totally inadequate - for she was more helpless and far more powerful than that silly word conveys. Aaarghhh :banghead:

Yes. And this is a double burden for me as a parent, because I realize how inadequate I am as well. I try to tell myself that at least I'm working on my issues (my mother will never work on hers), but that still doesn't help the painful realization that I'm still messing up my kids and one day they may be on a site similar to this trying to come up with one word to describe me.

 

[Hashi]

I really felt that she treated me the way she did because I was not worth her love. And well, I felt that way because she told me so. And so, at least as a kid, I felt like if I just tried harder she would realize she loves me. That she didn't was my own fault.

This is where I don't understand why other people seem to have responded so differently to me. I don't remember my mother saying anything about love, that would be very uncharacteristic of her. But she used to tell me I was negative things, all the time. She was a teacher and would often tell me how she liked the kids in her class, that they weren't selfish, boring, lazy etc like me. She would do all sorts of things for them, give them things, listen to their problems (one memorable time, for hours when one of them came round to our house upset about something). Needless to say, I never got treated like this in any way.

But I don't remember ever wanting her love. I knew the opposite - that she wasn't worth mine. I wanted away from her, nothing to do with her. After she criticised me, my reaction was to vow that I would never criticise my children. That's it. Not to want to make her think differently about me, or even act differently towards me.

@Fadeaway, you didn't offend me with your post. I saw the Helpdesk thread and don't know what it's about.

I wasn't premature, by the way. I was born with a blood disease. Which, interestingly means I was given a complete blood transfusion immediately after birth. I didn't even have her blood.

I've always felt like she was a stranger I had the misfortune to get stuck with.

 

[Hashi]

@Pencil, if it's any consolation to you at least other people understand when you talk about it. I don't come across people who feel like I do, and I have come across a small number who've been determined to correct me about my feelings.

I'm not sure it's something to envy. I seem unable to bond with anyone or anything much, and don't doubt that it's related. It doesn't help with finding anything worthwhile in life.

I'm just messed up a different way, that's all.

 

[Pencil]

I have come across a small number who've been determined to correct me about my feelings.

:roflmao:Seems to me to be a common human foible - I run into the same thing all the time. We're at opposite ends of the same spectrum (when I referred to having related problems months ago, I think you thought i was saying 'identical') and I guess being 'extreme' is a problem to others.

 

[a3a2]

Pity.

She lost her mother at a tender age. Then she got my father and learned to obey. Obey no matter what the cost. And she lost us all.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Hashi, that was the PTSD talking. It was an emotional post for me and I was feeling raw and exposed over it, and worried about upsetting you and Sammy when I saw that someone had reported a post in this thread so my mind automatically jumped to me believing it was my post that was reported.

I can understand what you are saying about not desiring anything from your mom. While I didn't start out that way and did want and tried to earn her love, by the end I no longer did. And it was never HER love I wanted, it as A mothers love period, she was just the most logical person to want that from since she gave birth to me. Over the years though she did a pretty good job and stamping out those desires, so by the time she died there was nothing left. Her death was a relief, because it meant freedom from the people who were making me feel guilty for not wanting anything to do with her.I literally went to work the next day like nothing happened. Every one was trying to tell me that her death should have affected me but it didn't. Choosing rice as a side dish over veggies for dinner would have stirred up more emotion than her death did.

I've always felt like she was a stranger I had the misfortune to get stuck with.

That I can understand, because I never did have a bond with my mother. She blamed it on my dad never allowing her to pick me up when I was crying as a newborn. I think she was just to drugged out to notice I was crying.

 

[Britt.f7]

Strong.

She raised my sister and I on her own and put herself through nursing school without much assistance.

We weren't close until I got married the second time. I always am in amazement when I see young girls and their mother's close growing up. It seems so amazing to me. I never felt I could go to her when I was a child. It took me pulling away from her that somewhat changed how she interacted with me. That and I changed how I viewed her. I had a really rough time when she died almost three years ago and miss her terribly now.

 

[Hashi]

by the time she died there was nothing left. Her death was a relief,

Yes, my description of my mother could equally be that her death will be a relief to many - including herself.

If I'm very honest, it would be that she should have been put in a sack and drowned at birth, but I'm guessing that might be unacceptable to say. Oh dear, did I just say it?

 

[silkleaves]

This is where I don't understand why other people seem to have responded so differently to me.

Because we just...do I guess? Sort of like how they say with PTSD...two people can go through a traumatizing event together, one may end up with PTSD and the other not. We all just respond in different ways.

I know that for myself, it was just me and my mom. I was not allowed to have any friends, though I did talk to kids at school, I was such a strange one, well..felt strange and never felt like I could fit in, so I had one friend that I talked to up til high school when I got a bit rebellious and started making more friends. My mother would sit outside of my school to see if I walked home with anyone, and if she caught me, would drive up, scream some pretty humiliating things at me in front of them, order me in the car, drive me home, go to work and then come home to beat me.

She was serious about me not having any contact with anyone. And her doing stuff like that weirded kids out so she got her way on that for the most part. There were a few who felt like outcasts themselves, or just felt sorry for me, who knows, and would still talk to me...

My sister left for college when I was in the 1st grade, and I was able to talk to her, but only if my mother was sitting right there to hear our convo, and she read any letters I wrote to her before sending them, and also opened her letters to me before giving them to me. My sister would send me gifts with secret notes hidden inside, because she knew how my mom is...but I wasn't able to find a way to talk to my sister the same way.

So yeah..my mother was all I had. And it meant a lot to me, that the one person I had to spend all my time with and the only person I had any access to talk to, would care about me. Day in and day out, I had nothing and no one.

She was a teacher and would often tell me how she liked the kids in her class, that they weren't selfish, boring, lazy etc like me. She would do all sorts of things for them, give them things, listen to their problems

I can really relate to this. My mother was a social worker, who worked with pregnant teenagers and teenaged moms. Girls around my age and they could call and talk to her anytime, if anything happened she would race out to be there for them. At events for the girls, they would tell me how lucky I am, that they wish they had a mom like her... At church, my mom would brag about the girls, say how proud she was of them.

Like here I was, busting my butt to make excellent grades, never even held a boys hand before moreless anything else, was respectful, did my best, and I was dirt compared to the girls who were dating guys in gangs, some having 2 or three kids, and shes bragging about them at church, while telling me I don't deserve to live and just a burden and her life would have been better if I had never been born. I didn't understand it then, and I still don't understand it now.

Sorry I get wordy...Im trying to curb that.

 

[NovemberStar]

Yes, my description of my mother could equally be that her death will be a relief to many - including herself.

If I'm very honest, it would be that she should have been put in a sack and drowned at birth, but I'm guessing that might be unacceptable to say. Oh dear, did I just say it?

I've told my T I wish I had died at birth. I wish my mother had killed me during one of her physical assaults. I resent the fact I was bought into this world, f*cked over by her for 10 years and THEN she dies on me. Lately I've even realised I feel like she died the way she did, with me watching, on PURPOSE. My adult brain accepts it's irrational and not logical, but my 10 year old self who walked in the room AS she had her fatal heart attack really believes she somehow pulled me into her room RIGHT THEN so I'd see it. Not just to cause me pain from her dying suddenly, but maximum pain designed so that I'd FOREVER hold that image of her dying face in my mind.

Why not just die without anyone being there'? No - somehow pull your daughter into the room so she can SEE IT.


@Hashi when yr abuser / family member dies along with it dies any hope of them fixing it, taking any responsibility, and for the relationship to be different. It can unleash a whole new pain. Not to say there isn't relief as well, but the feelings it triggers are very confusing and it hurts as much as if they were loving and all the things they weren't.

In some ways I'm so f*cking glad she died when I was 10. It meant she couldn't hurt me anymore. Well not physically anyway. Mentally she continues to torment me and ruin my life. So in other ways it's worse that she is DEAD and never ever has to face what she did to me'; she gets to avoid all responsibility and will never ever be accountable.

Yeah - I know - them not dying doesn't mean they take responsiblity. If she was still alive, chances are she'd deny the effect she had on me and turn it around so she would be the victim. But f*ck I'd love to be able to phone her up and tell her how much I f*cking hate her sometimes.

I guess either way we can live with the fantasy of 'what if'. In my case I can pretend she would have accepted responsibility. I guess if she was alive I'd have the fantasy that once she did die, I'd feel only relief and that it would somehow change my pain simply because the evil was no longer on this earth. If only our abuser's deaths did mean we felt vindicated. But I don't think it works that way. Not for me it doesn't anyway. I still suffer nearly 30 years after she died. The only thing her death did was remove the chance if more physical pain but it has never stopped the emotional and mental torture.

She's just as powerful DEAD as she was alive - only now it's more infuriating because she's not even a tangible force that can be seen or touched. Yet she still has the power to f*ck my life over. I nearly lost EVERYTHING I spent years working hard for in this past year.

I lost my ability to work. I'm on probation with my professional body - if I get too sick to work I'll be stopped from working again. I nearly lost my house this time - my income is down $50,000 and I still could lose my house if I get too sick to work. I nearly died from my anorexia last year - while my so called treatment team sat back watching me starve myself to a skeleton - I'd begged them for help, for referrals and they waited 3 months to do so. By then it was too lat - I was stopped from working - by them.

I have so much to lose by getting sick and not being able to work. It makes me hate my mother even more. How DARE she effect me this much all these years later. How dare she still have the power to take everything away from me when she's been dead 3/4 of my life.