General My Boyfriend Has PTSD Too

[brokensmile]

I am just new to this forum, I found this to be interesting because a lot of perople are on the same boat as I am. I need your sincere thoughts and advice on my story as well. Because I think Im losing the end.

I had a long distance relationship with a soldier and he was deployed in Afghanistan in a combat ground. During his training and until he was in the war zone we we're so much okay. We send emails, we talked on the phone, text messages, we chat almost everyday except when he was on mission and we even send letter to each other via snail mail. Everything is fine. He was so sweet, loving, gentle, smart and understanding, communicative, appreciative person, he express himself in a very well manner. I couldn't ask for more that's why I fell in love with him and so he does. He is the most amazing person Ive ever met.

We have so many plans in mind. We supposed to see each other last December after his mission in Afghanistan but he never came. He went back to the states, unfortunately he went back as a different person. Totally different! He barely communicates with me, he barely talked to me, he barely sent emails to me although he said that he loves me and wanted to see me because that was his priority. But still he became so cold and distant. He never wants to talk about it, he just told me that he's too messed up right now. I tried to be there for him even we're miles apart but he keeps pushing me away and its breaking my heart.

He admits to me that he's suffering from ptsd. I felt so bad that I couldn't be there for him as much as I want to. I want to support him and be there for him but it seems he never wants me to be a part of anything. Now, Ive been asking myself a lot of times if this is all worth it? Am i still going to wait for him or should I move on even if its gonna break my heart? I do love him with all my heart but he's not the same person I fell in love with. I am really freaking out, I want to know if this is all gonna be worth the wait? SOmetimes I'd like to think that life can be cruel at times. I met a guy who is just what I have prayed for but now here comes the unexpected situation and its tearing me apart. Nights and days are killing me thinking what lies ahead? When is he gonna come back? I know he loves me but recently its driving me crazy.

The most hardest part of love is loving someone even if you don't know if he's capable to love you back the same way he did before... :( :( :( I need help... :(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now.

I remember my father telling me about my uncle after he came back from the war. My dad always said he wished I had known my uncle before he went overseas b/c he was a very different person. I don't think that anyone can tell you definitively that your bf will or will not return to being the same as he was before he left.

 

[Nicolette]

Oh dear Brokensmile. I wish I could offer words of encouragement however what you write is very characteristic of PTSD.

The cruel reality is PTSD is life changing and your boyfriend will never be who he was before. You can find a new "him" but don't hold onto him changing back; you have to hold on to him getting better if you are prepared to take the ride. And a ride it will be if he has only just been diagnosed as he will have a lot to go through.

PTSD is a very debilitating condition and the sufferer has to work through it and all you can do is be supportive and accepting of what you are dealing with. Read and learn as much as you can so you can make well informed decisions. In the meantime take good care of you as you being emotional and feeling insecure will only deflect to your boyfriend and possibly make it too stressful for him to deal with you. It could become easier to avoid you than deal with you if you are adding to his stress. Love is not in question here but his ability to function is and even good stress can be too much for someone who is unwell with PTSD.

Please take care of you and good luck with your situation. I am sorry I cannot offer more encouraging words right now.

 

[2quilt]

Welcome to the forum. I agree with Nic that he is a changed person. The war and PTSD did that. Now both of you have to work with the people you are now.

 

[Shoka]

Dear Brokensmile,

I'm sorry for your suffering.

Keep coming back to this forum. READ, READ, READ and learn.
Take it slow for now, and take care of yourself.

PTSD really does change a person. I know it all to well, as I am facing the potential of having to separate from someone I love very much. I know the suffering one goes through in making that decision.

Try to be good to yourself.

Shoka

 

[pebbels]

Hello Brokensmile,

I feel your pain, i to had to grieve the loss of the person i fell in love with and loved with all my heart, it is like a death because that person will never be the same, on a good day you may get a glimpse of him as he was, i to got pushed away, anger and frustration directed at me, so because i am only human and didn't know too much about ptsd i took offence and unintentionally made things worse. My advice is if you really want to go on this journey with your boyfriend learn as much as you can about ptsd, when he asks for space give it, have support for you, you and him (counciller)and a trained ptsd therapist for him. It is not an easy ride, it is a confusing time for both of you, reasure him that you will always be there, listen well to him and communication is vital. I wish you all the best.

 

[Lady Michigan]

Hey there,

I too feel the same way, I was actually looking up this web page to find words of encouragement, because it is so hard to deal with. When I read your story I feel the EXACT same way. Is it worth it? will he ever change? On a good day they are the most amazing person then the very next they want nothing to do with you or anyone around you. Its terrible I wish I could help.

You should read this book called "The warriors guide to insanity" my bf told me to read it because it tells you everything. Its a sad book but it should help!

 

[NikkiNikki]

I 2nd reading as much as you can here. It really helped me when my BF just out of the blue pushed me away...then broke up with me. Said he had too many issues to deal with..all with his PTSD. I know how hard it is & how bad your heart is breaking. Its been 3 weeks since my ex-bf's "episode" or whatever you wanna call it. I am doing better than I was, but it still hurts & I still cry about the whole situation. Like you said my BF was a wonderful guy, probably the most decent guy I had ever met. I guess he didnt want me to see the screwed up part of himself so he pushed me away when he started having his episode. ((hugs))

 

[Lady Michigan]

I was hoping you were going to end it with He got his head out of his Ass and we figured things out and everything worked out. Im sorry to hear thats not the case. but its good to hear that things are getting better for you. Its been just 2 days for me so by the sounds of it you know how I feel =(
I wish things were different and PTSD was not an issue, there are too many good people in this world who are just being eaten by this.

 

[NikkiNikki]

I wish that is how it ended...I still have hope that he will get his head out of his ass & that we can be together again. We broke up Feb.3rd...the day after my birthday.

I am trying to move on with my life & I made it clear I do love him & want him, but thats all I can do. I will not try and contact him just to be ignored. I dont want to date anyone else, a guy tried to talk to me about dating him this past weekend & I had a total breakdown. So I am no where near ready to date again...how can you date someone when someone else has your heart??

The first couple of weeks were brutal! So yes I know how you are feeling. It just plain sucks. It does get easier..but then again I thought I was doing better until this weekend & bam I was back feeling really sad about it. Here is a link to my 1st post, [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/trying-to-understand.15140/[/DLMURL] I was given a lot of really good advice in that post that may help you as well. I have found that keeping myself busy is the key to keeping my own sanity in this mess. Its the nights that I just sit around the house with nothing to do but think about him & worry about him is when I have the hardest time..

 

[Lady Michigan]

oo goodness right after your B-day and right before Valentines day.. well On Valentines day we went out, he got me flowers and everything was dandy and just before that he was talking about how perfect I was and he wanted to merry me, then like 5 days later its over!
I asked him how can you tell me all those Good things and then Just end it, he said I didnt realize at the time what I was saying, He is Numb to the world he said.

Yes I do need to get out and do something, The past few days that is all I have done sit around the house, and not move except when I have too, Its hard to keep busy when you dont want to do anything at all.
And again that is exactly it, I dont want anybody else, right now. Dating another person right now or even soon would just be way out of the question.

Good luck with everything, Hopefully both of our guys will get it together, not just for our sake but for them too.

Thanks for your posts, Helped a lot.

 

[NikkiNikki]

Yeah, worst b-day ever! We had just talked about getting married and moving in with each other right before all this happened. So yeah going from everything is perfect & wanting to be together forever to him not being ready for a relationship because of issues is really hard to accept. I feel ya there. It really is the same story over and over on this forum. There is the sister forum that is just for those with combat ptsd & the guys there are pretty helpful with helping you understand the state of mind of someone suffering from ptsd. You may want to join on over there too and have a look.

The first week I didn't do anything either beside walk around all sad with puffy bloodshot eyes from crying so much & losing so much sleep. I looked awful! I didnt cook, clean, or enjoy any of the things that I would usually enjoy. I didn't want to tell anyone what was going on because I didn't think they would understand. I eventually had to spill my guts to my friends. Some of them understood and were supportive, others were judgmental & told me he was crazy & I should be glad things ended when they did. My mom was supportive at first, but now she says he is a asshole for hurting me & that she wouldn't want me to have to deal with this the rest of my life anyways. All I say is "he is sick, its not his fault" I'm always defending him.

Glad I could help a little. This place helped me so much and still is helping me. I am grateful for the info I have learned here.