My (24F) boyfriend (32M) disappears and comes back like nothing happened?

[permanentdamage99]

I want to say I am not sure he has PTSD, probably unaware, I am just suspecting he has so I hope I am still allowed to post.

I am 25, he is 32. We've been dating for a year (we had a break in between because I broke up since around 4/5 months he started to pull away, becoming flaky and all, he got very bad pneunomia, I think he got depressed or stressed and overwhelmed, so would postpone our dates etc, this tends to happen a lot when he gets sick), the first months were magical - honeymoon phase, of course it was. He admitted he was in love with me and never felt like he did with me. He did talk about his childhood, difficult relationship with his father, he was a very abusive parent.. he didn't talk to him for 4 years (his own decision!) even though they lived under the same roof.
He even told me how 7,8 years ago he was very hurt in love and said to himself he will never give his heart away like that again. I though we were a good couple, but eventually I had to break up after him becoming very distant etc. (he was still affectionate with me, but not present, now that I look back he was taking space because he was stressed), this happened after our first conflict and me threatening to break up (he is very avoidant when it comes to conflict, and usually when we have one he takes space for a few days), during our break up he would post sad songs, breadcrumb me and even reached out when he was wasted drunk once.

We eventually came back but he was only okay for one month and then he started being distant again, he would disappear for 4,5 days and then coming back like everything is fine which is the most odd part to me. He is never cold with me, he is always affectionate, always kind, and when I ask him the reason he says it's because he gets stressed and overwhelmed with work, or he feels drained and has no energy. One example is when he disappeared because his brother ended up in jail (I can't say here the reason but it was nothing too major or illegal), and he got back to me after 5 days and he said how he doesn't want to drag anyone down with him and he wants to solve his problem alone.

Last time he disappeared I threatened to break up and that we are gonna be done forever but he came back like I didn't even say that and acted like everything is okay. I really thought about a lot of stuff.. does he have PTSD, or some bipolar II disorder? Or depression? He was very present last year, the first months of our relationship, he was very obsessed with me. But after our first conflict everything changed.. (Mind you, the first time he ever disappeared of 3 days, was after he sent a love song but I wasn't happy and asked to talk in person because we barely heard from each other that day - poof, he disappeared for 3 days.. just to avoid a conflict. So odd, so strange, so weird, so I know he does not disappear because he does not love me (at least I hope so), but because he is stressed, that's what he says.

So my question is, should I give him space and let him deal on his own and accept him when he comes back? Or that makes me a doormat and enabling his behaviour even more?

 

[Friday]

o my question is, should I give him space and let him deal on his own and accept him when he comes back? Or that makes me a doormat and enabling his behaviour even more?

It’s only being a doormat if you’re not okay/good/great with his coming and going.

Some people? LOVE that.
Other people? Don’t mind it.
You (and others) HATE that.

So, yes. You’re being a doormat to threaten and wail and be miserable… and then pretend it’s fine.

His behavior isn’t wrong.
His behavior is wrong FOR YOU.

Staying in a relationship, believing you can change a person into who you want them to be, instead of who they are? Is a bad idea. Whether they have PTSD, or not.

 

[nursenurse]

Treated mental illness can be a b*tch to deal with at the best of times but at least you kind of know (because it can still be full of surprises) what you are dealing with. Undiagnosed, untreated mental illness is a minefield. No one here can diagnose it for you or him. He could just be avoidant without anything major going on, he could have ptsd, he could be stringing you along be cause you keep going back. One thing you cannot do is keep threatening with break ups. If you are already breaking up with him or threatening to, the relationship, regardless of his issues, is not a healthy one for you. This kind of drama does not need to be happening so early, you have only been together for a year with a break somewhere in there. At the very least back off. Decide what you want and need out of life. And act accordingly. Look at the bigger picture, not just the man, because he isn’t likely to change. If you are not happy now, you will not be happy 1 month, 1 year, 2, 3, 5 years from now. Cut your losses.

 

[OrangeJulius]

So my question is, should I give him space and let him deal on his own and accept him when he comes back? Or that makes me a doormat and enabling his behaviour even more?

That's up to you. You should definitely expect more of this behavior if you don't do anything differently. If you're OK with this behavior then you're not a doormat. If you don't like it and express that and he continues and you don't do anything....then you are.

I would suggest giving him some space and taking some space for yourself. Do some reflection on what you want and what you can tolerate. If you see yourself marrying him and having children with him, does your view on acceptable behavior change?

Then when he comes back, you can choose to accept all as is, or break up, or have a discussion about boundaries. For him a boundary might be "If I don't receive a phone call/text everyday, I will assume you are no longer interested in me and I will move on." A boundary is about what YOU will do in a given set of circumstances. Its not about controlling them because you can only control you. But you are letting them know ahead of time what is and is not acceptable and what the consequences of their actions will be. Be sure to choose boundaries you will actually act on if you go this route. It is nor unreasonable to expect a phone call every day. If he is not capable of something that simple, then he's probably not capable of a healthy long term relationship.