My co worker killed himself

[Tinyflame]

It is extremely hard to get help apparantly and now I feel worse.

And who knows, maybe it happened to him, too?

It is normal @Scarlet13 , to not want to call back - I can't remember the 'proper term but that is called in essence 'turning away'; if one person reaches out and the other acknowledges nothing they'll likely not try again,, that is not turning towards. If they receive worse- in this case disconnected- it not only is a failure to acknowledge but a turning away from.

Maybe there is another place to phone, they may not manage the phones well there. They don't even know you so it's not personal.

I'm sorry. :( :hug:

 

[Renestel]

@Scarlet13 —
OH Im Sooooo sorry.. the phone line situation is seriously frustrating. I agree with others that we have to try to understand they are doing the best they can, but I hear you on how critical people responding is to people on the opposite end of the phone.
I wrote on a post about a month ago a friend of mine killed herself. She had a family. She was way too good at hiding it no one saw it coming. Many times I blamed myself saying, if I only had seen it or if she would have said one thing hinting she was hurting, I could have told her she’s absolutely not alone. I too was suicidal at points in my life, but that has shown me two things. 1., if someone gets it in their head they are going to do it, they are going to find a way to succeed. I was really good at lying to people at those times. 2., they convince themselves they are invincible or that everything will be better if they are gone. It wont make sense to you. And heres my biggest advice—- DONT try to make it make sense. You are going to drive yourself absolutely crazy trying to find an answer you are hoping for. I said in the last thread that the only thing that gave me peace was seeing my therapist and then in moments I love during the day, whether it’s feeding the birds or walking through a gorgeous forest, live for them in those moments. Their world was filled with hidden pain, give them good energy, some love and light. Thats all you can do.

 

[Scarlet13]

I did call back.
Logically I know this is a technical problem.
When I called back I went thru it again where they counted down by telling me I was 1 min away, 15 secs away only to start all over again being told I was once again 3rd in line.
This would be upsetting if I was calling about my cable bill!
It makes me upset because "getting help" is among my thoughts regarding my coworker.
I think:
Why didn't he get help? There are resources out there. Maybe he felt shame.
I now think after my experience, that getting help is immensly frustrated.
I was stable, just emotionally distressed, now Im edging towards not as stable.
I am getting those negative thoughts now like:
People don't care about you.
Not even a suicide line.
It can feel like you have no one. I used to think atleast you can call a hot line, but guess not because I couldn't even get thru.
I am just so confused and mixing myself up with my coworker.
I texted my T for 30 min session that I can afford.
I reached out to my T but have not heard back.
Im doing worse.

 

[Renestel]

Scarlet can you call a family member thats a good listener? GOOD job scheduling an appt with a T. I hope it helps as much as mine did with this. But it sounds like you just need to speak with someone now to release some of this out of you between talking to the line or the t.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Sorry you're going through this.

For some reason, I regularly have nightmares about this stuff re calling police/ emergency services.

I'll dream that I'm calling one of those emergency services in an emergency, and all I get is their answer phone/ voice mail, or a signal that the line is busy.

I have this nightmare over and over.

So much so, that the few times I've actually had to call emergency services (reported a small fire a few weeks ago) I've been totally surprised to get through to them and to speak to someone :bag:

Sorry that you're having trouble with the suicide line. That must be really triggering.

Do they have an email where you can tell them that this is/ has been happening? They probably have no idea.

 

[Scarlet13]

No I dont have the appt.
She replied with a time which I couldnt do and then I responded back. That was thurs. She hasnt gotten back to me to give me a time that works. I have since emailed her to tell her I am doing worse.
She doesnt seem to care.
I havent been in to see her lately due to financial issues and it seems she only cares about the patients who reg come in.

I talked to my boss about this on thurs and she thought she was helping by giving me info about him but she made things worse.
This is what she said:
He has been depressed a long time and is finally happy/peace
He couldn't take meds either (she knows I struggled with benzo and ssri withdrawal as I needed to tell her)
But hearing this made me feel hopeless because I cannot do meds.
His family did the best they could and are practicing acceptance.
This wasnt the right message for me to hear.
So the combo of this from a trusted boss, my t not getting back to me to just get an appt, the suicide hot line hanging up and then telling me I was next and then I wasnt threw me into a steep depression in the last 24 hours. I am retraumatized by this suicide and already a lot of stress.
I am spiraling dwnward.
I dont have enough energy to type this.
I hate this f*cking world.
Yes I know I need to use all my skills I know.
I tried the hot line again and the same weird hold pattern happened. Then someone picked up and for some reason I froze and hung up.
I am not sure why I did that after finally getting thru.
I just want to know my T is there for me and can see me.
I cannot go to the ER I have no insurance currently.

 

[Justmehere]

Two other options:

Crisis Text

Crisis Chat

 

[Scarlet13]

I am tried the crisis chat and it was a 15 min delay
I am going to try again today.

 

[Scarlet13]

Ok, so I am coming out of the depression episode slowly.
Whenever I get one there is always like several hours where I do not really use skills at all. I dont do anything harmful like cut or drink I just sit there and let all of the negative thoughts swarm around.
That is all I can do because I can get so paralyzed by the weight.
But now its lifting and I am able to do things for myself like eat and take a bath in order to lift it fully.
I am about to call I just hate the whole deceptive hold messages.
So just know if you call them you may get told "you have 15 secs" and then a click and then get told "you have 4 mins" and then get picked up.
It prob should be changed to something more acurate.
Being on hold is not the issue its the messages.
I think rec that depression is a cycle and you can move through it as it lessons is a skill.
Just like a panic attack, it is rough but it has an end.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @Scarlet13 - I think one of your biggest skills is your perseverance and your insight into your own feelings.

Knowing what sends you into the ditch and having the common sense to know that you can really wait it out - is another critical skill to have when dealing with depression.

Also, being candid about knowing that other skills will not work whilst you are in that terrible paralysis state but letting it pass around and over you and knowing it will dissipate. All good. Oh and also knowing that it is likely to come. Knowing your own forecast!

I hope you appreciate that your boss probably has absolutely no idea about suicide and rolls out the 'usual' verbal crap that is bandied around but is almost universally known not to help in the slightest.

and is finally happy/peace

No..he's not happy or peaceful. He's dead. He doesn't feel anything anymore. Let's be real here.

If people would actually use language that fits the act of suicide and death there would be less confusion, contagion effect, less romanticism and possibly less attempts and completed suicides imho.

it seems she only cares about the patients who reg come in.

No... she gave you an appointment that wasn't doable for you so that shows you that she will see you. There isn't anything about her behaviour which indicates ^^ is how she views you.

Remember you depression is spiking now and all of these factors are definitely, as you have identified, coming together to pull you down. I agree it is only natural to lump them altogether and say f**k this!

Keep some perspective about each issue and treat them separately.

The only fact that cannot be undone so far is that your work colleague committed suicide. Everything else can be set right. You can keep yourself safe. Talk to your husband or someone you trust about these events. Stay connected to things and people that matter to you. You are very important and valuable. :hug:

 

[Scarlet13]

Hi @blackemerald1
Thanks for this.
I am using major cognitive distortions with my T. (Attachment issues)
I will talk to her about this. I do like to have an appt on the books tho before she drops contact which she did since thurs and an appt was not agreed upon. She did reply to me intially with an appt that wouldnt work, but I needed to cont the conversation briefly to get something that would work. It is stabilizing to me to know I will see her.

I am feeling sensitive and not seen or cared about. The other week I had a phone sess with her that she was late to because of a crisis call and this is bad, but I felt pissed like I wanted her attention.
Im become 10 apparantly when it comes to my T.

I did call the suicide hot line finally and got thru and it was great.
2 great calls now in one year.
She was not pleased with the things my boss said.
She asked me what I needed to cope.
She underscored the tragedy and loss (and not the peace and acceptance of it).
She helped me to see how I was merging myself with him.
My boss had made comparisons from me to him. (He couldn't take meds like you. He was struggling with depression like you. He wanted and found peace and so on.)
These lines activity pushed me into SI and I didn't really realize it.
She is an authority figure and also I used to have some maternal transference for her (I don't anymore.)
My boss also told me SHE has struggled with this which is not what I wanted to hear.
So the girl on the hot line emphasized how I am alive and he is dead and I can choose to cope and how I have always and consistently chose to cope.
I liked it because I felt proud that even though I struggle with SI I also choose to cope.
Some times I feel my T thinks I am not coping when I have spiked symptoms and this makes me feel bad and reminds me of my mother criticizing me.
So I am going to bring this up that even though I can be paralyzed by depression abd SI, I am still skillful because I am observing it and tolerating it.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Well done Scarlet!

You *are* choosing to cope :)

I'm very glad the phone call to the hotline went so well - that's wonderful!