My demons

[Innersearch]

Right now I am trying really hard to keep it together. There is a knife in the drawer near me. Sometimes when the flash backs get really hard I can help but reach for it. I never cut deep. Sometimes all I do is trace along my skin. The flashbacks won't stop.

Its 1:17am right now. I am trying to sleep but anytime I close my eyes I just hear them screaming. They took the brunt of the abuse for a while. Then when they left I became the protector. I protected two little ones. They weren't able to take the abuse since they were so small. Ever beating and kick I took. They begged me not to as we got older but I couldn't see them go through this. I was abused for years. My head was bashed against the tile floors multiple times. I wasnt allowed to cry. Anytime I did they slammed me harder against the tile.

Even now as I am saying this I feel like I am back in that time period. I see, smell, and taste even the air and blood in my mouth. I want to scream and just lash out. Yet I want to run inside my closet and hide away from the world.

I remember once I was barely recovering from one beating the moment I was in a new environment daily I would be abused there as well. I partly wonder if my illness now that doctors have debated between IBS or chronic pancreatitis is from being kicked and beat nearly daily on my abdomen for years. Now I have issues for the past 10 years of pain in my abdominal area that's intense and extremly painful to the point of passing out. I wonder if it's due to the systemic abuse. I never asked a doctor because I was scared and still am to an extent.

I still cant get past the screams. I thought I was going to die when they held a knife to me. They put it down because I think they realized what they were doing. I remember being so scared but not for my life ending. I was terrified what would happen to them if I was gone.

I am so tired and want to sleep yet my mind is going over it again and again. I see the knife, the screams, the tiles. I cant stop it's like flashes and hurts.

 

[Freida]

This is a very brave start to your journal - and I'm so sorry that you had to live through that.
Are you in counseling? You will need some help getting past the flashbacks --- but it can be done.

 

[Innersearch]

This is a very brave start to your journal - and I'm so sorry that you had to live through that.
Are y...

I have been in and out of counseling for years. A lot of counselors turn me away because they cannot handle the full scope of my trauma. I have had 5 therapist say they are surprised I haven't killed myself because most people would in my situation. So as of this moment no. I am not in counseling anymore. Also medication doesnt work. It nearly killed me last time due to the reaction I had. So just learning to cope. Psych student so that helps a little.

 

[Freida]

A lot of counselors turn me away

Yea -- I hear from a lot of people that a trauma therapist is the only person who can handle our stories, which complicates things because they are hard to find. I lucked into mine -- but it really does help finding someone with a specialty.

There's lots of conversations around here on different coping and grounding methods -- hopefully those will help

 

[Still Standing]

Hi Innersearch! I am so sorry for the pain and memories you have had to deal with. Being able to write what you did as your first journal entry is really a brave things to do! Freida is correct about needing a trauma specialist....one who specializes in PTSD. Since you are a psych student, are you able to ask your professor/s if they would know of such a therapist or psychologist? How about inquiring at your local hospitals or simply doing a google search for some in your area? I am in a city with some major universities and colleges. My psych doc is one of many in the area who are available to the students. I found him via an internet search. It is one of the best things I did for myself, too. I really needed the help and support because I could never have walked through this on my own. Don't give up in finding someone who can walk with your through your suffering. You need to get help for yourself or you will never be able to carry the load of other people's hurts and traumas, if you are planning on going into the mental health field. There is lots of support here and wonderful information, too. We understand, in relating to your childhood abuse. We all understand the pain and symptoms of PTSD. You are off to a good start in talking about your own life experiences. BTW, I was a cutter too. I learned it is an activity that is counter-productive to getting well. Please keep yourself safe. Call a hotline, if you need to. Or use your diary as you have today to express your pain. There is always someone around to listen and support you. I am glad you have joined this site. Thank you for sharing your heart.