My feelings for my t - exploring erotic transference

[sparkle180]

2 and a half years. I read in an article that erotic transference is due to the age at which t...

I was very confused and weirded out by it initially and at times shame does resurface. I consider myself heterosexual and am much younger than my T which made it even more confusing especially at the start. I do not have feelings for other women so I know it is not about that although in saying that this has caused me at times to think of other women that way but more because they somehow relate to her... it is all very strange isn't it.

Thats interesting about the article you read. I have been trying to find some good articles and papers on transference more specifically erotic transference and the reasonings why it occurs in some but not in others but have not yet found a good resource. If anyone had one would love a link.

 

[Stephernovas]

I love my therapist, but not in the way that I want to be with her. I enjoy our banter and we can chat like girlfriends. However, at the end of the day we have work to do. I mean, I guess you could say I get a bit of transference when she continually treats me with respect and is empathetically supportive, but that could also just be me enjoying finally having someone to discuss things and is trustworthy. I also enjoy how she challenges me - well, not always lol. I'm a social worker myself, so I think we both are pretty good at keeping our relationship in check.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I was very confused and weirded out by it initially and at times shame does resurface. I consider myself heterosexu...

It’s intimacy though. You’re craving intimacy with her. Of COURSE you are. She’s someone you trust, that listens and is there for you, how could that NOT be appealing?! So those thoughts and feelings are perfectly ok. I feel like the entire point of therapy is just to help us realize everything we freaken think is ok. Everything we feel is ok. And right now you’re fighting it a bit. Wishing it wasn’t there and wanting to leave. And the point of therapy is staying. Staying throughout all the difficult emotions that come up in our lives. This will not be the hardest thing you face. And this is not the hardest thing you’ve endured. The thing that makes it stick so much is it is THERE. It’s what you’re going through right now. And that’s it. Right now, in your life, in addition to all the other things, you are also having intense feelings toward someone who has been nothing but caring and supportive. If you can look at it from a witness perspective, that’s not a bad deal. It makes sense you’d want to be as close to her as possible but that’s not really what you NEED. And only you know what you need. From her, from others, from yourself. And she can help you figure that out. My t was always so good about stressing curiousity over judgment. And I’d stress beginner’s mind as well. Pretend there are no preconceived notions about what this means. Just look at it as though it’s happening for the first time and drop the judgment. What are you noticing? What do you feel, what do you think, where are you feeling the feelings in your body? Stay with it for a few minutes and then let it go. The thing I’ve learned from therapy is that rethinking thoughts makes them come back quicker. So think thoughts that serve you. How are you thinking about this situation and how do you WANT to think about it? Practice thoughts that help you feel more empowered and not at the mercy of your mind.

 

[Sparkle180]

It’s intimacy though. You’re craving intimacy with her. Of COURSE you are. She’s someone...

This is so beautifully written and what you say makes a lot of sense to me..... Logically I know it is not the worst thing that could be happening to me right now, far from it. But at times it FEELS so very painful and all-consuming that it feels like it is.

Perhaps I will try to do some of what you write about. Pay more attention to noticing the feelings and what they are telling and not trying to force them away or force their meaning. Thank you for your thoughtful response.

 

[UnicornSightings]

This is so beautifully written and what you say makes a lot of sense to me..... Logically I know it is not the wors...

Yeah, I know. It’s easy for me to write the logical things to do and when I’m not in the thick of my own emotions I can think of those things for myself but I totally get it. When my t wrote to me that she was leaving (in like 5 weeks) I was CRUSHED. There were moments that first weekend I could barely breathe through the panicking and sobbing. And it’s still hard. It still sucks. I still think (and it’s only been almost a week post therapy) that I won’t be able to live without her. So I get it. I don’t get it in the exact same way, for me, I wanted (want) nothing more than to just be in her life. My ideal scenario is she adopts me, I live with her and she reparents me. I’m 36 years old lol!!! But for me, given how my childhood was, that longing makes complete sense! That realization doesn’t make the feelings any easier but I’m less judgmental and ashamed by them at least, you know? So that’s what helps me. Recognizing that this painful experience makes sense for me. And the belief that I won’t be ok without her isn’t accurate but acknowledging it’s there and taking care of that. Reminding myself of my strengths, etc. I don’t know if that helped you at all. It just IS hard. And it will be hard. I don’t regret my therapy experience, even though it hurt and still hurts. I got a lot out of it. Let’s say you DO leave because you get to a point where you just can’t take the feelings anymore. What’s to stop you from having those exact same feelings with someone new? That’s what stopped me. I’m very “attach-y” when I let someone in (which I very rarely do) so it would just continue with someone else who may not be nearly as good. It’s hard and there’s no getting around it. I used to read a ton about transference and other people’s experience so I didn’t feel as bad or alone in it. I remember reading an article that said we want to “walk with our therapist, hand in hand, into the sunset” lol! That was exactly what I wanted! Still is. Ugh. Recognize how very brave you are for going through this. And for reaching out here about it. Give yourself credit for all the courageous moments. Not everyone can stick these experiences out!!!

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi it's transference.... It happens alot in therapy... Maybe if you can you can read up on it.... As it might help you....

It's totally understandable....

 

[sparkle180]

Hi it's transference.... It happens alot in therapy... Maybe if you can you can read up on it.... As it mi...

Thank you. Yes, I understand that it's transference, although my T is reluctant to call it that. I will look for some more articles to read as maybe it will help. A lot that I have read though seem to downplay them.... almost at times, it's just like a childhood crush which is to be expected with a person who has shown me so much attention which I find frustrating. Feelings are feelings. The fact that they are based on some past experiences doesn't take away from the intensity of them in the here and now.

Yeah, I know. It’s easy for me to write the logical things to do and when I’m not in the t...

I'm sorry that your T decided to leave that must have and still must be very difficult for you.

I don't think that I would actually leave for many of the reasons that you said. It may just happen again with someone different. Thinking back, something similar happened me when I was in school with an older male figure who I became very attached to. It only really lessened when I moved country to go to school and even then I thought about him a lot for many many years after (I still do now from time to time but the intensity is not there and has left it ins place a deep gratitude of care for this person who had such a profound impact on my life and who I have become). I have invested A LOT of money and time into therapy with this T so far and I'll be damned if I had to start again with someone new so although I say I might want to I don't plan on quitting anytime soon :) (I realize that she has a lot of control over this decision though and could leave at any time though which is very scary).

Can I ask why your T said she was leaving and how come she wrote to you to tell you?

 

[UnicornSightings]

I'm sorry that your T decided to leave that must have and still must be very difficult for you.

I don't think that...

Very awesome attitude you have about it! And so cool you can see the transference happened before, even if it was a bit different. I’ve had it happen with other people as well. Mainly professors or teachers. A boss once too so people in some authority over me.

It had been a bit over 3 weeks since I saw her. She was sick, then I took my first solo vacation the next week then the following week I was sick. So she said she emailed because she’d rather tell me sooner than later. Only it was 3 days until our next session so I don’t really get that. I asked her again and she said the same thing. Seemed cruel to me though as I was WRECKED and had no one to talk to about it until our next appt. Although I don’t know if it would’ve been better if she said it in person. Probably would’ve shut down. Or just left right after without saying anything.

 

[Della]

So far she has been able to handle all my feelings but I do worry that they may eventually get too much for her to...

Well, I don't have PTSD but I was in a situation when I wanted to express my feelings to somebody that I cared about and I did what you did. Express my feelings a little the time to see how he felt.
But as time went on the more comfortable that I got with him, the feelings did lessen somewhat. I feel that your T will be able to handle the situation quite well with you. :-)

 

[Sparkle180]

Well, I don't have PTSD but I was in a situation when I wanted to express my feelings to somebody that I...

I'm glad you were able to express your feelings and had a positive outcome. I do think my T can handle them but I suppose there is always that fear that it will eventually get too much as at times it can all feel a bit 'too much' for me.

In one way I suppose it is quite nice and somewhat comforting at times to actually be able to express these intense feelings for someone in a safe environment and knowing that the person you are telling to is able to handle them. There are not many opportunities and situations in life where you can openly express such thoughts and feelings safe in the knowledge that the other person is not going to recoil and run away. Obviously, This is all dependent on a person having a good T who is well able to deal with transference issues which unfortunately it seems many can't.

 

[anonymous]

I wanted sexual relationships with some of my T's . I allowed myself to fully fantasise about them whilst alone, I read up on transference, I read that you are supposed to transfer the feelings over to someone in your 'real' life instead as really, you don't know your T and therefore cannot love them, not really. I read that it's normal even if the person is straight to be sexually drawn to a therapist the same sex as them.. I found something else to do in my time, I wrote lots and over time the feelings for my T lessened, they will lessen over time, honestly. It may not seem like they ever will but they do and after several months I realised one day that I wasn't even bothered if she even existed at all anymore.

It will pass so don't worry.

 

[anonymous]

Sex and psychotherapy - Erotic transference explained

I found this more helpful than any article I ever found on it