I met with a therapist today. He is a psychotherapist.
He is my age--literally--one day younger. He had kind of a casual, humorous approach to things. I realize this is the first male therapist I have had. I realize I was confused and triggered by his joking manner. I also think he pointed out some good things. I think he could possibly even be good exposure therapy for me. I wrote more about the details in my journal if anyone is interested.
The main thing I want to talk about here on this thread is how I felt during my session. I think I disocciated. I got really talkative. He would ask a question, and it would remind me of several things. They would spill out of my mouth quickly. He told me to slow down. He said getting 'speedy' as part of the trauma. Have you ever heard of speeding through a story as being a part of trauma exposure? He had kind of a joking sarcastic approach to things, and I picked up on that and kind of got in a silly joking mood about myself and my experiences.
Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the problem right here. He was joking and friendly, and I wasn't really comfortable with it--but I let that be the energy and I went along with it. I think this is why I got all chatty and silly and disocciated.
The time was up, and that is when I realized how ungrounded I had become. It was like we left planet earth and it was just him and me and us both talking about me and making jokes about PTSD symptoms. I realized I had to separate from him and leave the office and go into my car where my husband and daughter were and ride an hour home. I was very dizzy and lightheaded when I stood up. Things seemed kind of fuzzy. My vision--it was not real clear. Things seemed sideways and uneven. I frantically asked how to get out. Then I went back to being super polite. My ears were burning. I got out of the building, and nausea overwhelmed me. I felt like I was going to pass out. My head pounded. I had every feeling all at once. Words upon words--unable to express. Excitement (he was a funny guy and gave me attention--maybe I would get over my male issues!!), nervousness, fear, nakedness, rejection, small, agitated, worry, guilt, shame, SHAME, SHAME, GUILT, unworthy, taking advantage of someone, humiliated, and like a neon sign.
These feelings scared me. I haven't really felt anything quite like that. I made sure I was completely honest with him. I totally exposed myself--without lying. Without sugar coating or glossing over anything. Without leaving anything out. I don't know if I have ever shown anyone that many pieces of me.
I have a good feeling about this. I feel like just talking to someone like this (male, my age, funny) is very good exposure therapy. I feel like he will be honest with me in the way I want someone to be honest with me. I just have to figure out the humor thing.
He told me he noticed I have strong reactions to him. He asked if he reminded me of anyone from my past. I couldn't think of anyone he reminded me of. I think maybe the strong reaction was because of his friendliness, casualness, and humor. It felt more like chatting with a potential date than talking with a therapist. He said he wants feedback on how things are. I think next week I will tell him why I had strong reactions, ask him what he means by strong reactions, and maybe we can solve this humor lighthearted approach issue.
He is my age--literally--one day younger. He had kind of a casual, humorous approach to things. I realize this is the first male therapist I have had. I realize I was confused and triggered by his joking manner. I also think he pointed out some good things. I think he could possibly even be good exposure therapy for me. I wrote more about the details in my journal if anyone is interested.
The main thing I want to talk about here on this thread is how I felt during my session. I think I disocciated. I got really talkative. He would ask a question, and it would remind me of several things. They would spill out of my mouth quickly. He told me to slow down. He said getting 'speedy' as part of the trauma. Have you ever heard of speeding through a story as being a part of trauma exposure? He had kind of a joking sarcastic approach to things, and I picked up on that and kind of got in a silly joking mood about myself and my experiences.
Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the problem right here. He was joking and friendly, and I wasn't really comfortable with it--but I let that be the energy and I went along with it. I think this is why I got all chatty and silly and disocciated.
The time was up, and that is when I realized how ungrounded I had become. It was like we left planet earth and it was just him and me and us both talking about me and making jokes about PTSD symptoms. I realized I had to separate from him and leave the office and go into my car where my husband and daughter were and ride an hour home. I was very dizzy and lightheaded when I stood up. Things seemed kind of fuzzy. My vision--it was not real clear. Things seemed sideways and uneven. I frantically asked how to get out. Then I went back to being super polite. My ears were burning. I got out of the building, and nausea overwhelmed me. I felt like I was going to pass out. My head pounded. I had every feeling all at once. Words upon words--unable to express. Excitement (he was a funny guy and gave me attention--maybe I would get over my male issues!!), nervousness, fear, nakedness, rejection, small, agitated, worry, guilt, shame, SHAME, SHAME, GUILT, unworthy, taking advantage of someone, humiliated, and like a neon sign.
These feelings scared me. I haven't really felt anything quite like that. I made sure I was completely honest with him. I totally exposed myself--without lying. Without sugar coating or glossing over anything. Without leaving anything out. I don't know if I have ever shown anyone that many pieces of me.
I have a good feeling about this. I feel like just talking to someone like this (male, my age, funny) is very good exposure therapy. I feel like he will be honest with me in the way I want someone to be honest with me. I just have to figure out the humor thing.
He told me he noticed I have strong reactions to him. He asked if he reminded me of anyone from my past. I couldn't think of anyone he reminded me of. I think maybe the strong reaction was because of his friendliness, casualness, and humor. It felt more like chatting with a potential date than talking with a therapist. He said he wants feedback on how things are. I think next week I will tell him why I had strong reactions, ask him what he means by strong reactions, and maybe we can solve this humor lighthearted approach issue.
