D
Deleted member 44394
I love him to death and always will. But this is something I have to get off my chest. It's been a long time coming and right now, it's the time to say what I need to say. I love(d) my dad (he's passed on now) but I realize the older I get the more this man has had such a powerful effect on my life, and most of it was for the negative sadly. And probably will for as long as I live until I die, that's the truth. I don't know if I can change. I don't know many other people who are different to be honest really...when you think about it. Our parents affect drastically who we are, and what choices we make, how we feel & think etc.
So much of how HIGHLY CRITICAL he was affected me, it gave me low self esteem and an extremely low self-confidence, almost a self-hatred where I was cocooned up by myself for most of my teens and mid twenties in a sack of self hate and depression, and anxiety. Severe ocd, dysmorphias of various kinds; he was a rigid critical perfectionist, he had a short temper and even shorter patience, he didn't know he was doing wrong. That's how he was raised up, and sometime somebody did this to him and he repeated it onto (us) his kids. I would be a completely different person today if it weren't for him. I didn't even realize I was jacked up until I was in my mid twenties to be honest, that's how engrained it was in my head. So severe was he, that I was terrified to make mistakes. We were punished for every mistake, spilling a glass of water or, messing up anything even small. We were almost never rewarded for anything positive, just criticized constantly and harshly for what we didn't do right.
I've been depressed most of my life, with anxiety and low confidence. I don't see things will ever change. I have such a negative self image cocooned inward that I don't know how to change. It's who I am at this point...I've never had anyone NOT criticize me so not used to it. I don't even want to be or do any thing successful. I have so much going for me but am always constantly depressed and all I want to do is sit and be left alone, work a menial job and just disappear off the map. That's not what I really want but unless I fix this...
I know that's what I have to do, to give myself chances to succeed in the world. Talk compassionately toward myself and be less critical. I have to turn it around and start to be and feel nicer towards myself, give myself chances... second opportunities, lifts and praise for what I've done, and self confidence. I have to grow these things within inside of myself. Just like it took time to cultivate all of these negative behaviors that my dad so valued, or (he was stuck in rather) it is going to take time to grow and cultivate my coming out of my shell. I just didn't need anyone yelling at me or berating me, that's basically it. I have to find it in my heart to forgive him or at the least, let him go. Easier said than done, right? That's all I'm working on, and there's a whole lot of thrush and clearing out the brambles and bushes. Some pain/regret. He just didn't ever let up on himself, this was his way of life, a searing self-driven hate, that's what he used to drive himself with. Those were his "positive qualities" but were really twisted negative ones. They got the job done, but at such negative expense and quality of life lowered. Everything he did practically hurt me - how sad is that? How can I come to terms with this...with a father who supposedly loved me. What was wrong with him, why didn't I have a positive, healthy father and an influence, why couldn't I be like the others, other kids I knew who had a fair chance and shot; they had happiness. Why most of all, was he impeding me and seemed at every chance was an obstacle to my growth and happiness?
Why. These are questions I ask myself, I know they are all not so black and white...but I ask them. I ask why can't there be any answers. I just wish him well and I hope I can let some of this stuff go, grow and move on from it, he wasn't so abusive that scared me into staying like this. I pray for answers... I pray for his soul to rest. I pray that he lets me go. I pray that I just imagined it all, and that it didn't happen. I ask for courage to move forward and onward and grow, without fear. Without asking over my shoulder if it's okay, or fear of getting yelled at.
Without fear... A second chance. Freedom, I have never had it. I pray how to realize all of this. How to give it to myself and to feel the wounds so that they heal and start over.
But, slowly by slowly I am beginning to heal, and grow.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Thanks
So much of how HIGHLY CRITICAL he was affected me, it gave me low self esteem and an extremely low self-confidence, almost a self-hatred where I was cocooned up by myself for most of my teens and mid twenties in a sack of self hate and depression, and anxiety. Severe ocd, dysmorphias of various kinds; he was a rigid critical perfectionist, he had a short temper and even shorter patience, he didn't know he was doing wrong. That's how he was raised up, and sometime somebody did this to him and he repeated it onto (us) his kids. I would be a completely different person today if it weren't for him. I didn't even realize I was jacked up until I was in my mid twenties to be honest, that's how engrained it was in my head. So severe was he, that I was terrified to make mistakes. We were punished for every mistake, spilling a glass of water or, messing up anything even small. We were almost never rewarded for anything positive, just criticized constantly and harshly for what we didn't do right.
I've been depressed most of my life, with anxiety and low confidence. I don't see things will ever change. I have such a negative self image cocooned inward that I don't know how to change. It's who I am at this point...I've never had anyone NOT criticize me so not used to it. I don't even want to be or do any thing successful. I have so much going for me but am always constantly depressed and all I want to do is sit and be left alone, work a menial job and just disappear off the map. That's not what I really want but unless I fix this...
I know that's what I have to do, to give myself chances to succeed in the world. Talk compassionately toward myself and be less critical. I have to turn it around and start to be and feel nicer towards myself, give myself chances... second opportunities, lifts and praise for what I've done, and self confidence. I have to grow these things within inside of myself. Just like it took time to cultivate all of these negative behaviors that my dad so valued, or (he was stuck in rather) it is going to take time to grow and cultivate my coming out of my shell. I just didn't need anyone yelling at me or berating me, that's basically it. I have to find it in my heart to forgive him or at the least, let him go. Easier said than done, right? That's all I'm working on, and there's a whole lot of thrush and clearing out the brambles and bushes. Some pain/regret. He just didn't ever let up on himself, this was his way of life, a searing self-driven hate, that's what he used to drive himself with. Those were his "positive qualities" but were really twisted negative ones. They got the job done, but at such negative expense and quality of life lowered. Everything he did practically hurt me - how sad is that? How can I come to terms with this...with a father who supposedly loved me. What was wrong with him, why didn't I have a positive, healthy father and an influence, why couldn't I be like the others, other kids I knew who had a fair chance and shot; they had happiness. Why most of all, was he impeding me and seemed at every chance was an obstacle to my growth and happiness?
Why. These are questions I ask myself, I know they are all not so black and white...but I ask them. I ask why can't there be any answers. I just wish him well and I hope I can let some of this stuff go, grow and move on from it, he wasn't so abusive that scared me into staying like this. I pray for answers... I pray for his soul to rest. I pray that he lets me go. I pray that I just imagined it all, and that it didn't happen. I ask for courage to move forward and onward and grow, without fear. Without asking over my shoulder if it's okay, or fear of getting yelled at.
Without fear... A second chance. Freedom, I have never had it. I pray how to realize all of this. How to give it to myself and to feel the wounds so that they heal and start over.
But, slowly by slowly I am beginning to heal, and grow.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Thanks
